fudge u all because im bored as fuck!!!!!!
hm yup no more time and i want to watch alice in wonderland right now weird huh haha blah and im bored so some one call me
dude dates suck! eh i didnt like it and its all davids fault no im kidding but blah!
new stuff.. david wont talk to me till i get another bf well i guess that means never because i made a promise to myself that i wont break its my way of showing him that i do love him and that its never gonna go away i dont care if im only 15 or almost 16 i know how i fucking feel and its not going away yet and i really dont think it will and i truly dont want it to... even though all this shit causes me pain i still love him and that makes me happy because i have love in my heart... u know there really was nothing i could do nothing god i have this guy ontop of me and what am i supposed to do i could of done something after but i was happy i didnt think that it mattered i had david back he had me believing it was ok we were doing it again and everything was fine there was something alil wrong but time was going to fix that and what he says about how he would have to cheat on me he really didnt have to he didnt have to cheat on me but thats why i was trying to get him to do someone and i dont understand why he got with her... i know he doesnt love her u cant love someone when ur relationship is based on fucking sex... and i know he loved me and part of me wants to believe he still loves me but that could just be me wishing that only he knows if he does or doesnt... if he doesnt thats fucking fine hell i guess im like all the rest of the ppl who fall in love with someone that doesnt love them back but told them that for a while just to have sex with them or something... david used to always tell me that a relationship isnt going to be perfect... well he is right ours was almost perfect up until that day there were little things that of course bug each of us but we only got in like 2 fights... and we got over them the same day i thought that was the worst thing that would ever happen with us i really serious thought i wouldnt cheat on him i tried telling him it might happen and sure enough it did... although i and other people i have talk to about this agree that what happened was rape... david however believes there was something i could of done about it... really tho what could i do i was fucking scared hell justin could of fucking hurt me i didnt know how was i supposed to know i was alone in a house with two guys who are best friends and planned it... which i was warned about but i trust people too fast before i get to know them and if i made a mistake that was it i trusted him and thought he was a good friend which isnt true at all... then after like a dumbass i looked out for him i could of got him put in jail or at least got his ass kicked which is what david wants me to do but i cant i would feel guilty and its not like im gonna get what i lost back and why go through the trouble of going to court and then i probably wouldnt win and then i would of just pissed him off and then who knows what he would do anyways what started this whole ranting crap was that david said he doesnt want to talk to me... i guess im just like trying too hard to get him back but fuck i cant help it what else am i supposed to tell him oh umm yeah all these guys want me umm tell me about u and sam and how u love her and shit i mean grr im just so blah thats the perfect word to use right now just blah! and there really isnt a point to all that im trying to say so i guess i should stop and this isnt me trying to get david back im done with that if he wants me back he knows where i am and if im with someone (which im not gonna be) but if i am... i would leave them the second he says he wants me its pretty sad but hell thats what happens when u are as much in love with david or anyone as i am um yeah ok im done
holy shit ppl are weird!
grr blahhh grrrr blahhhhh jordans gay and i dont know what else to say... haha ... um concert tomorrow might go um fun yay chase is gonna be there ok bye
gayness lol i missed him how gay lol i was all like getting there late and then he left right when i got there i guess but i didnt see him grrrr oh well theres always tomorrow
dude i have like a date or something i dont know hehe im meeting chase at the mall cool man but ok bye
on and on and on and on and on haha do u remember a time when...
Something to all them guy's out there with that one girl you love so much that u would do anything for her..she breaks your heart.dont..le
i was going through my new friends profile... casey... from school i like never talk to him but its ok anyways i found that and i totally believe it! if ur in love with someone u dont just let them go even if they hurt u worse than u could imagin they would... sometimes it really is just a one time mistake and u dont know till it happens again but if u dont take that person back then they go on breaking peoples hearts because they are in love with u because thats the way it goes soulmates and shit u find that one person and u can be with them forever and ever but the one mistake that u make could be so many things the littlest thing and yeah i really believe that there is just that one person and u cant ever ever love any one else u could try or believe u are in love with them but deep down u will know that it isnt true then u will break their hearts... the sad part is... most of the time u dont get that second chance people get hurt too much to be able to stand it and have been caught under the influence of lust never love till u find that one person u love but its too late they cant believe anything u say because they thought they were in love before do u get what im saying? its just a nonstop issue. time is so limited here and what else is there to live for... happiness right? thats why we are here that long search to be happy... love brings so much happiness so much joy laughter god who knows what other good things it brings. the whole process would be so simple if there werent those people who get in the way and tempt u and if u have been hurt before u fall for their temptation... im not saying its not the person fault thats not it at all but its the other shit it would be so much easier and there werent be any problems if it wasnt for that well i dont think wait i know i was so happy i never fought with my ex never not once! we were happy and got along so well it was crazy my family loves him he gets along with my brothers everyone i have ever introduced him to but i fucked it up by going to school and meeting two of the worst seducers in my school but being out of that scene for so long i forgot what it was like to watch out for people and when the school was tearing me and him apart i never thought it was because of that i was naive and just plain stupid i tried to believe that not everyone was out to get me i gave them the benefit of the doubt and i trusted them i gave them personal information about my boyfriend and i and let them lead into believing he didnt truely love me... boy was i wrong and deceived but it was my own fault because i was so trusting. now that i know how people really are and now that i am not so trusting i understand my mistakes and i accept them... but i still hurt the one man that i do truly love... of course u might say how can u treat someone like that if u love them... its quite simple really... everyone has their doubts i sure in hell did and i acted on them... i have been hurt really bad in the past and didnt want to get hurt again but now my mind has changed i shouldnt have been looking out for myself i was totally selfish(which is understandable concidering i am only 15 and that i have been hurt before and its the hunan way) i should look out for the one person i love because he should be looking out for me... we shouldnt try to keep from getting hurt but try to keep the other from it... which is what he did but i failed on that one... but back to what i have found... something that inlightened me... kinda showed me the truth. i do really believe that and now that i do i realized i am screwed lol the one person i do love has moved on... or he is just believing that for the moment... or this whole summer and everything i feel is just another incident of lust... ok well thats my way of thinking
ok things are getting better for me or im just hiding it lol im hiding it but its working for me so thats cool yeah david is like the only one thats read this but thats cool hmm hi david lol
i dont want to do this i dont want to feel like this anymore its fucking bullshit and im the one that caused it but whatever... blah!!!!!! i hate myself and everything that has to do with me im terrible
hmm yesness... blah i miss david a lot... but shh u didnt hear that from me. i havent been doing to good but again u dont know that im getting addicted to the stupid vicodin lol everyday im taking it so far and i like it because it makes me numb and thats what i need right now to forget and block out what i did and how it hurts and other shit... i made a promise to myself in my real life diary it says i will never tell another guy i love them. and im going to stick to it i dont even want another boyfriend. i was sorta with mark but neither of us really want that well im not sure about him but i didnt want it so thats all im never having sex again and yeah thats freaking crazy for me to say that but i really dont want to ever! i still love david more than anything and what i did to him was fucked up and it had to do with sex so im never doing it again i dont want to hurt anyone ever again and im not going to be with anyone in a relationship so theres no way i can get hurt which it really doesnt matter my pain goes away with 2 little pills. im lil scared deep down that i might do something like drink too much or take too many pills and do something fucking stupid but i dont know like friday i was fucked up and i bet that if i wasnt leaving right then me and mark would of done something and then iwould feel even more shitty because ahhh thats just slutty according to brandon we almost were or something but i dont remember that shit i told mark i took advantage of him lol isnt that great but yeah i dont know my vicodin is wearing off right now so im gonna go take some more because im starting to get a ache in my chest and i hate that feeling... there is this secret im keeping for someone i should tell this person because well according to someone else what happened was different so it could change how everything went but i dont know i dont think it will i still let it happen i still said ok but ahhh he wouldnt stop taking my pants off god!!! i dont know how am i supposed to know blah!!! this happened before but it was alil different i was a scared little girl i didnt have sexual feelings like i do now which that made a difference but ahhhh i dont know i wish i did but then i wish i didnt because if i know the truth then it might make me go crazy again i already am but more than now and the whole thing is now i have nobody to save me from it and when im like this i cant help save others which also sucks because there are a lot of people i can be helping right now im trying my best to do that and i hope its working but i dont know im done writing bye
hmm yes i wanted to make another one sayin yes i am sorry that i am stupid and dont think and i love you! DAVID!!!!!!!!!
i love you david and yes ok that all i got to say haha i love you!!!!!!!