i wish i could explain my feelings with words properly but the right words never come out right. Not sure why i'm writting here but i guess this is just me venting so here it goes........ I remember a time when things were good but now i'm just living and thats just not good enough anymore, to just exist, i need more so i think i'll take some time to get a bit of fresh air and gather myself, put the pieces together and see what i've got, and what i don't need, maybe she is what i need but am i really what she needs? i'll only find out these answers with time.
i'm lost and the only thing that seems to here for me are these old pages in my diary i've read them and realized i am a horrible kinda person with nobody to blame but myself, i just wish things could've worked out but i dunno i guess i'll just stay the course and just go gray
i seem to have fallen into a deep recession i feel that there is no escape from. i don't think i'll last much longer as i dance with the devil, i feel everything i've fought for falling apart. she says she loves my but i don't think she feels this way, i don't say it enough but i feel the love welling deep inside. i hope it turns for the better soon or i might be saying goodbye sooner than i thought, and i don't think i have the spirit to go on if it does. Yea though i am a soldier i am not a hero and i am not immune to these feelings even though i wish i was. i just want to be me and go back to how it was before the war, but it's far to late for that, so i must at least try but if i lose her again IT WILL BE THE END. i don't think i will be able to get put back together again. i just want somebody to hold and call my own but i guess i'm meant to live the life of the lonely soldier. i just hope she's happy no matter what.... as for me i may never be the same no matter the outcome of this.
well i just returned from jacksonville where i had to prepare for my military job but unfortunatley there has been an error that is currently preventing me from joining i should have it all fixed soon though
i can't belive it i have finally found someone right for me. I mean i haven't felt this way since angel! i never evr thought i would get better but i have and now i have begun to find more power within myself maybe she will be the one to show me my true powers. well whatever the case i just feel sooo great, so i bid you all a good first week of school!!
well today could have gone better, it started off like any normal day until about half-way through the day. that's when it went down the drain. it was my friend hailey, dennis, and hailey's neice, and me in the car arguing about who was the better driver when all of a sudden BAM we rear ended a full size chevy suburban.every
man i can't belive myself i am a complete and udder fool.
ok yesterday i was at the movies with this girl that i am falling for and hard (her name will remain a mystery), well anyways i had the perfect chance to make a move and what didi i do............ NOTHING i totally freaked and froze. i mean this has never happened since like the fourth grade and now all of a sudden i can't even get the courage to ask her out! if there ever was a king dork it would be me. i just don't know what i'm gonna do. All that trash talk about how sexy and irresistible has come back to haunt me. whatever shall i do!?!
i forgot to mention yesterday that i got a new sword, it is big and shiny ::look up at ceiling with proud look on face:: other than that i have nothing much to say but it is rather early here but oh well.(i only have to be back at the colledge at 12:30 pm today) I also think that i may have a chance to get back into the dating scene but i still think that i am gonna bomb out and fall on my face.
well talk to you later
well i began the GED test today and i met up with someone that i had not seen in a long time. It has been a long time since i said anything in my diary so i thought that i would tell you how my day went, but it wasn't that great but eventually it will get better
DAMNIT THIS SUCK I hate my life being stuck in a broken home my parents separated and I know my mother loves me but does my father even care its like no matter what i do i can't seem to make anyone happy, and why does everyone expect me to solve things. I'M NOT A FUCKING MIND READER I CAN'T HELP YOU ANYMORE SO GOOOOOOOOOOOO AWWWAAAAYYYYYY RRRRRRRRRRRRRR
DAMNIT I HATE THIS PLACE
in this world run by greed, there's no money, there's no possesions, just obsessions, and i don't need that shit so you can just have it.
I just wanna be heard loud and clear, all my words, coming from within i'll tell em bout what i heard, it's about a revolution that we need to embrace.
you work a job you don't like for things you don't need don't you think it's absured, you need to end slavery to the system, you need to think "there's no money, there's no posessions, only obsessions and we don't need that shit" i mean it's just a waste of time if our lives are run by the "media" or "athoratative figures", you also need to make sure the things you own don't own you. We all need to take charge and show the "system" who is the boss for in reality it is we the underlings that make this "system" whole without us "they" are nothing but it is also difficult to avoid the next step survival of the fittest but that is just a human instinct, it's in our nature to kill each other, it's also in our nature to kill ourselves.
we are not perfect nor should we strive to be but we must also make sure we do not lose what we have gained but even in the dark there is existence. the road we walk is a very twisted and jagged road indeed, so be wary of lifes potholes and rock for no path is smoothed out
another day in "paradise" they make florida out to be soooo beautiful when in fact it sucks ass.
Well I have seen a few friends that i thought i lost and i feel a bit better now that i have seen them.
I have another question for anyone to answer.
If you have a good friend in danger from another good friend what should you do? Should you help the one in need or assist those that are attacking, or do you just stay out of it?
it's all very confusing but oh well. I guess you can't win them all right.
i can tell this week will be filled with nothing but anger..pure relentless anger.
if you have read the first song in my description. it has come true and i don't know what to do anymore i swear i am going to kill any and all who stand in my path.
not one soul shall be at peace for i shall probably do something far crazier than anyone could have expected.
KILL FOR NO REASON
wait i have my reason the wench that has spit in my face as i tried to help her shall pay first.
next is the one that she craves i don't really know if i can do this one but i will try.
i shall then hunt down my master and slay him and destroy any evidence that he existed
HELL WILL GRANT ME THE STRENGTH I NEED TO DO MY JOB
FOR I HAVE ALREADY SOLD MY SOUL FOR THIS .
AND TO THOSE WHO KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF I FEAR FOR YOU IN THIS CRISIS
FOR I HAVE TRAINED MANY A YEAR FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS, A CHANCE TO MAKE MYSELF KNOWN
to all who may be reading to this i ask you do you sleep easy at night knowing that you are like a bomb still waiting for whatever, if so you need to know that i to am one of those people. i wait for the night to slowly rise beside me but there is a hole burning inside me from the one striking me down on my knees, and drowning me in my dreams.
but i have one question? if someone does you wrong and they belive with every inch of their being that it is their fault even though you made them that way, what do you do?
i don't know anymore, anyways i probably sound like a dork but oh well if you don't like it don't read it
to anybody who reads this hello!!
But down to business. i am not use to voiceing my thoughts to others that may read it but i will now pour my soul unto these diary entries.
I have wronged a person multipule times and convinced them that it was their fault, therefore they blamed themselves for all that has gone wrong. i feel really awful about it and i know that i most likely should, but what do you say to a person that you have convinced that they are the reson for all the wrong doings in a relationship.
i just don't know what to do anymore and i probably sound like a complete loser saying this but oh well.