[UnzipMeNow]'s diary

531656  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-03-25
Written: (5817 days ago)
Next in thread: 532581, 532711

This is a story I would like people to read and tell me if it's interesting. I want to turn it into a book so if this catches your eye, LEAVE THOSE COMMENTS. I really need a project like this to cure my writeres block and if I have no audience than why write it? So this is the Prologue. Enjoy... please !

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Prologue

Fear

    "What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of me? Perhaps you don't know the answer to this question. Or possibly, you're merely living in fear of yourself?" The words were frightening, the tone - calming. The voice was so small, I felt I knew it. But this voice belonged to a stranger.

"Fuck you!" Yes, so that voice I know. That anger, passion, adolescent use of grammar. That was mine and mine alone.

"So ignorant..." The voice paused, "so childish, so oblivious. You truly put me to shame. Angst filled with hate - with pain." My eyes were burning like fire at that point. And I pleaded for my tears to clear my bloody vision. "I know you're scared. I can see you wincing in your own pathetic weakness. I can see you cowered away in your invulnerable selfishness." The words stopped. My breathing stopped, I stopped.

Coldness enveloped me as my body trembled. I felt cold, so alone, but I'm not alone. I'm never alone, she’s always with me.

Once my tears finally washed away the crimson wall from my eyes I saw no one, nothing, black. "Fuck you!" I hissed, I repeated myself, I smiled. But I continued to cry. So I crawled on my knees, feeling as though something was pricking at my whole body. My breathing shaky, low, nerved by the silence, I mumbled, "Where'd you go?"

"Don't worry, I'm here, I'm always here." So tiny. Such soothing kindness, as if I need her to be here. I loathed it.

"Shut up!" I felt sick. I think I'm going insane. "Just shut up!" My mind was racing, my voice cracked. I slammed my head against the floor and threw my arms over my head. I couldn't see anything anyways. My vision was distorted by tears. Everything around me was shadowed in darkness. Nothing told me where I was, I could only smell blood and sweat. I could only feel tears and... pain, acute, excruciating.

The stranger was laughing now. Hysterically. I dug my knees into me further; I squeezed my head underneath my arms. I sobbed, choked, inhaled dirt from the hard wood pressed against my lips.

"Do what you will to hide your fear. Do what you will to ward yourself of this ache. Do what you will to elude the sound of my voice from your ears. But don't hide from me. Don't attempt to lie to me. Don't hiss at me with malice dripping from your tongue. Invulnerability, weakness, pure selfish idiocy. It's dripping from your every pore. It's growing around you." Every word was so aluminum. Every word so chilling. I heard a sigh. "WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?" Hissing, screaming. Such a tiny glass-shattering shrill. I squeezed the inner of my arms to my ears, I winced, released more sobs. I could barely breathe. So I chose to say no more.

The pounding in my head was causing a pulsing sensation through my whole body. I clenched my jaws together, wincing, inhaling deeply through my teeth. Water. Steaming. It pounded down on my whole body. Realizing then that my whole body was bare, cut, sliced, stabbed. I rolled over on my side, holding my arms over my head; I pulled my knees into my chest, pressing them harder against my naked breasts. Again, water. This time cold. Salt. I could taste the salt. I winced again, clenched my jaws again. But this time, I growled. "DAMN YOU!" Yet again, I sobbed. I felt as if I were dying, being eaten by tiny maggots. Having blood sucked from me by millions of mosquitoes. I felt needles stabbing my legs, arms, stomach, face. Everywhere. Agony. Hate. Anguish.

"But it must be done mustn't it?" She giggled. "To clean your body, to close the wounds. You wouldn’t want to get infected would you?"

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I've started chapter one. This chapter isn't gonna be as dark or anything.. at all. this chapter is the beginning.. how it all started. You'll learn more about it all after I get further into the whole story line. but right now I'm gonna leave you all oblivious. So this is all I've written on chapter one.. I started this chapter today..

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Chapter 1

Back to the beginning

        I shot up from my pillow, my wonderfully comfortable pillow. How I wish that I would never leave this bed, this safe hide away place to sleep my life away. But I couldn’t very well scream lying down. I screamed, hurting my own ears. Damn my body and its reflexes. But I was covered in sweat and I was excruciatingly hot. My tears were hurting my eyes. Yes, crying in my sleep. What an odd thing. I despise these bodily functions. These emotions swimming around inside of me, refusing more and more to stay calmed and lay low. It would be so much better that way, wouldn’t it? I asked myself this; What if people were to find out? Find out what... well, merely that I’m weak. They could break me, completely. I wouldn’t want to allow something like that to happen. But as of right now. My dreams wouldn’t allow me to hide away and sleep my life away. So I got out of bed, three-fourteen in the fucking morning. Goddamnit. My thinking must be so horribly adolescent. But I’m only sixteen. It is the twenty-first century after all. What do you expect from someone my age in this day and age? I looked down to the floor. Yes, clothing, wouldn’t want to step outside in my bra and panties now would I? I grabbed the same jeans I had worn for two days straight already. I threw on a shirt, and a nice warm hoody. “Where the hell are my shoes?” Talking to myself as always. I must be mentally handicapped. “Pfft, fuck it.” I left my room, walked through the den and the living room and opened the front door. “Ah, so you forget to lock it mom? And you yell at me for this catastrophe.” I smiled to myself, lit a cigarette and lay down in the middle of the yard. Wet, cold grass. It felt nice. I needed time to think, the quiet was helping. It’s nice to have a comfortable environment, but that only happens when I get a chance to be alone. I took a drag of my cigarette and smiled to myself looking up at the sky.
        Life wasn’t as bad as I always made it seem, but I wouldn’t let anyone else know that, no. I just had to be pathetic and act all emotional and horrible all the time. Well, that’s how I used to be, getting depressed over such easy things, being so completely co-dependent on other people to keep me happy. Hah, I’m such a joke. If the person I am now were to meet me a few years back I would seriously kick my own ass. Goodness, well, I’ve realized now that the shit life I had before was quite a few years back, and well, my life now isn’t as bad as it was then. So why do I bitch? Well, because I have reason to. Just because it’s not as bad doesn’t mean it great. School blows, and I get in trouble so easily. The youth of today annoys me so easily. It’s as if they have no emotions or sensitiveness to them. I mean, you know they do, everyone does. But why can’t they show they have an intellectual side? They aren’t “deep”. So many decisions need to be made. I feel like I’m not ready for this yet. Not even to have the responsibilities that I do now – not many might I add. But I know I am. I just have to really think about it. I hate growing old. Not that I’m old, but I will be one day. Of course that is if society, or even myself, drive me into insanity. And these dreams definitely aren’t keeping that from happening anytime soon. I can really feel them, when I wake up, I can still feel what I feel in the dream. The pain, the anger, the hate. I can feel it all, I loathe it. I loathe the girl in the dream. But what makes it even worse is that the girl in my dreams isn’t just some random girl. She’s well, “…me”.
          I've been having these dreams, these strange, frightening dreams, for almost a month now. They're waking me up at night, sending cold chills down my spain when I think back to them. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really think I'm going insane. They're so sick, twisted. Pain. They're filled with pain, and hate, and agony, and... torture. Torturing me, being tortured by... well, myself, as a child.
          I took a long, drag off of my cigarette as my whole body slowly covered in chill bumps. I forced a smile, and bit my lip. What's wrong with me? Well, should I really be this worried about it? After all, they are just... dreams.
          I pushed everything away from my thoughts and lay there smoking my cigarette in complete silence. I took in all my surroundings, attempted to count the stars. But there were so many, too many to ever count. Damn this universe for being too big, too big for my liking. There’s so much out there and I’ll never find it all, not even all that’s on this tiny little planet we’re on. Never all of it. I took one last drag of my cigarette, stood up and flicked it into the grass. Looking up at the sky one more time, I smiled. “I’ll see it all, one day.” After standing there for a moment, I went back in, locked the door behind me. Grabbing a soda from the fridge, I went back to my room, pressed play on my stereo and laid on my bed, sipping my soda, and listening to “The Postal Service”. Every once in a while I would mumble a lyric to the song, moving my right foot along with the music. This is usually all I did at home, listen to music, fend off of soda pop. Get on the internet when I got the chance, but I usually got bored soon after. What I really loved was writing, in my journal, or, on anything really. Whether it’s about my day, my life, my emotions, it had to be written down in some form. It was, hah, my anti-drug.
          Boredom, it's so powerful, filling my whole brain. Ah, how I hated it. I looked at the clock. "Ah, four-fifty." How times flies. No school today, Saturday. Score.
        
        "Are you scared? I can see it in your eyes, the fear. It's so pure, I can smell your fear." She laughed, a slight giggle of amusement. I felt I couldn't breathe. As if possible she had taken my lungs from me and kept me alive to eternally suffocate but never drift away. The pain, I was coughing, I knew this beause I could feel blood coming back up from my mouth. If it weren't for my blood and the coughing I might actually believe she had stolen my lungs away. "Stop your nonsense. I know what you're thinking. I know your scared, but why? Tell me why. Theres really nothing to be afraid of."

        "Please." How it hurt to speak. My throat was so scratchy. I don't know if I can endure this. Her words made me think, but I never knew why she was stabbing me with them. Why she shoved them down my throat like pills. Her voice made my whole body shake. She began to laugh, again, her laughing. But this time, hideously, evily. I cringed. "Fuck you." the words came from inbetween my clinched teeth. I despise her, I despise myself.

        My vulnerablity is what's weakening me. My fear, I suppose, is what's weakening me. Why won't she just kill me. I can feel the sliced flesh still bleeding. I can feel blood dripping down my legs and arms. I can't look. I won't look. It hurts to move. My ribs are stabbing my innards, as if they've been kicked and smashed and crushed into me. Tears, yes, I can taste them. So many.

        "You're pathetic. Merely nothing, just filled with fear and vulnerability. Weak. It disgusts me to look at you. The mere image of you is grotesque. You won't even answer my questions, after all, you and you're weak, vulnerable, idiocy is what you make me become." I could hear her little sighs. I could feel her hands, they were soft, touching me. I almost didn't want her to stop, yet at that same moment, I wanted her to go ahead and kill me - rid me of this anguish that she, I, have done to myself.

        "Goddamn you!" I screamed, I sobbed, I choked, again. I couldn't contain myself, sadness, pain, hate, anger. All of this was growing so great inside of me I felt I would explode into tiny pieces of it all. Sand paper. It seems that is what she used. She continued. I screamed. "Stop!" I choked another cough. Blood. She was ripping at my wounds. I could feel the layers of skin peeling away.

        "Wake up!" Who was this? She was screaming, crying. "WAKE UP!" I could feel it like a blow to the face.


        I shot up instantly. I could still feel the pain. I didn't pay any attention to anything around me. I screamed. Tears, in my sleep again. Someone grabbed me. "Get away! Don't touch me!" I panicked and fell off my bed into the floor. My legs, arms, stomach. Pain. I can still feel it. My vision was so blurry. I burst into more tears. That person, grabbing at me. "Stop! Stop! Stop!" I felt I couldn't breathe. I'm dying. "I'm dying." I mumbled. I felt the death growing in me.
    "You're not dying now let me hold you. Please!" They wrapped their arms around me. I winced. “CELESTE!” The tone, the sound of her saying my name. It was then that I felt warmth in their arms. I recognized the voice again. I recognized the smell, the touch. My nerves became calm and I quieted my sobs.
    "Mom, I love you, mommy. I love you. Don't let her do this to me anymore." I began pleading with her. She merely held me, quieted me, kissed me, rocked me as if I were small child.

After my mom walking in and finding me that way, I had been going to a psychiatrist for about a month now. I hated it. I could never explain the dreams to her, how they happened. I could never find the words to use to explain the pain I felt. I could never. I knew the dreams. I remembered them as if I had lived them. But I could never truly tell her, open up to her. If only I could find a way to let her dream them too, but why would I want someone to feel the same pain that I felt. Go through that torture, the anguish. Be crushed by so many emotions all at once. Pain, sadness, anger, hate, anguish, agony, worthlessness, disappointment, the list could go on forever. I could only tell her how the dreams made me feel, that it was as if I had truly lived them. My explanations were always simple and easy, never truly filled with depth or reason. I was perpetually confused.
My life soon after became a whirlwind of paranoia and depression. I was unceasingly discontent. Consistently changing positions in my seat merely to keep myself awake. I became an insomniac of sorts. My sleep was very limited, two to three hours each night. Every hour filled with tribulation. Each night waking myself the same way, crying in my sleep, screaming, being startled to the point my body begins to twitch rapidly.
Its summer now, I’ve been staying home more often. My mom doesn’t believe it to be safe for me to stay the night with a friend, or even family member. I’ve been visiting my dad often; he’s oblivious to my night terrors still. At the moment, I’m sitting in front of the computer, attempting to type something logical, something that’s not filled with nonsense. But my attempt has failed terribly, more than once in the past week. I think I’m just going to leave this petty attempt alone for now. It tires me to think so hard on something that once came to me so easily. I need to get away from this place, this blank computer screen. I need to see someone. I need to see Odelisse. Ah, Odelisse. The name fills me with joy simultaneously.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
I’m so tired of being around this place, of seeing the same thing everyday, so I need to at least try. “Do you think I could stay the night with Odelisse tonight, please?” My question seemed only a question. But it was really, to me, a need. I needed to get out, to sleep in a different bed, to rid myself of the same objects I saw everyday of the week. Odelisse was the only friend I truly had, Odelisse was more than just a friend to me, she was a love, a need. She was the core of my heart, the reason of my being. She was everything; she helped me just by speaking to me, being with me, holding me. This question was more than a question, it was a need.
“No, you need to stay home, you shouldn’t be going anywhere. It’s –“
“Mom, please, I need to. You have no idea how tired I am, not because of lack of sleep. I’m tired of this place, I’m tired of the people, I’m tired mom, I’m just tired. I need to see her. Please mom.” I was vehement when I cut her off, but my anger didn’t show. I was simply pleading to leave. Pleading to be released. Yearning for her answer to change.
“Why? Why do you feel this way? My answer is no, and you’ll thank me when you’re older and you have kids of your own.” Such a mom answer.
I didn’t answer her question. I walked away, I felt yelling wasn’t the right way to go, and if I had stayed in the room yelling would have been exactly what I would resort to. So I went back to my room. I cried. Small tears, not like the way I cried in my dreams or the way I cried when I woke from my dreams. I just cried, quietly. I cried out of anger, of loneliness, of sadness.
I was pushing myself to the border. Trying to think of when I should stop it all and try to take steps back, but it was difficult to just stop. I couldn’t control these emotions inside me, no matter how many times Phacia, my psychiatrist, told me I could. I couldn’t control my dreams. And I certainly couldn’t control my mother or anyone else around me. Something in me wanted to turn back around, give it another shot. Say, ‘So can she come here?’ But I knew the answer to that would be no as well. My mom was in fear of anyone finding out about my dreams, my paranoia, my depression. Of course, I had already told Odelisse all of it, she knew more than my mom knew, more than my psychiatrist knew. The only reason for that is because the words aren’t forced out of me when told to her. They’re more willing. Not because of whom she is, but because they don’t get mixed up when I’m trying to explain it to her.
511917  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-03-03
Written: (5839 days ago)

AHHH ! I'm [fucking] bored out of my mind. I need some more sleep. I need some more cigarettes, and I have no more orange juice to mix with my disaronno ! I need some more time cause I'm running out, yeah the clock is still [fucking] ticking. I need some more music cause all my *shit* just gets old. It's 3: FIFTY in the fucking ^am^ morning! My stomach still hurts, and this guy keeps singing a [shitty] song. Yeah, he's talking about a bowl of oranges. I WANT SOME ORANGES ! I need some more thoughts. some more logic of mine that unlogical, cause I need some more -nonsense- to type on this keyboard. I need some more, some more !

490326  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-02-08
Written: (5863 days ago)

Bored, all I can do is think of her. Thinking of her touch. And those damn goose bumps, those butterflies I get.. even thinking of her touch. Bored, I'm bored, and all I can do is think of her. Missing her, holding her, kissing her, touching, loving, smelling, seeing, hearing, breathing. Her sense of being.. well she is being isn't she? I fucking hate the way she makes me cry, the way she makes me love her so much I cry. And I wanna cry in her prescence. Cause everything about her, when I'm around her, awes me. And silence over takes me. I hate how she makes me cry. And how lucky she is cause she always gets to be with her. I hate. And I cry cause i'm happy, but there's a feeling of sadness inside me. A sense of fear stabbing me. Bored, I'm bored. And she everywhere, but she's not really here. Shes sitting beside me, shes holding me, kissing me, seeing me. But shes not here, not really sitting here, not holding me, kissing me, seeing me. All I can do is hate that she completes all of me so well it disgusts me. She bestows me with happiness so easily it sickens me with every chill, ever aching heartbeat, all those damn butterflies. She makes me nervous, she makes me scared.. cause she helps my hopes and wishes grow greater that there will be a forever with her and me together. I hate it. I'm bored, and all I can do is think of her. Missing her. Wishing to be, to see, to feel, to kiss, to smell, to breathe, to hold, to take in everything and cry again. And let the silence overtake me. The seriousness break my laughter. Cause I hate that this happens to me.. and it happens only with her. It's a first. But I love it.. it disguts me. I love it.. it's sickening. I love it. I love her.

450304  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-12-20
Written: (5912 days ago)

SOME THINGS JUST DON'T MATTER ANYMORE..

415304  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-11-16
Written: (5946 days ago)

Facts and thoughts and... I need you

My happiness is sparatic. And all my sadness sticks to me, like static. It never really gos away. Like my smiles with you never stay. They leave when you leave. They're laughing in my face. I feel empty. I feel broken now. I feel so lost without you near. But I keep on fucking up. I knew I'd keep on fucking up. Even before it started, I'm such a fuck up. Does it make you wanna leave me forever. Destroy every promise that you'll stay here forever. Am I hurting you?? If I'm hurting you just tell me. I'll gladly say goodbye. Cause I'd rather feel empty and broken and lost without you in my arms than hurt you. If I'm hurting you just let me know. You're my felicity. You're sensitive to my sensitivity? I need you to be sensitive to my sensitivity. Cause my happiness is sparatic. And all my sadness is sticking to me, like static. Will you help me? You were helping me. Will you continue, don't quit on me.

394556  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-10-29
Written: (5965 days ago)

Ignorance and one million tons of co-dependency

Consuming, the pain I feel. It's so consuming, compact inside. I feel like I almost lost you. I know now that I could lose you forever. I ned you to know that I love you, that I care. I don't know what I'd do, I don't know how I'd live. My life without you would be nothing but misery and worhtlessness, just a waste of time. I couldn't breathe without you, I wouldn't see without you. And I'm crying so much, but it's only on the inside. Cause the tears won't come, and it hurts to try. I felt like I was torn to pieces when I realized I really could've lost you. Lost you somewhere in a place of pain and sadness. I'd search forever, calling, screaming, yelling your name. And I hurt myself today, I broke a promise that I had no choice to make. But the aching inside was just so acute. I needed to hurt the aching inside. And I've been running in circles all night and day, thinking your here and knowing your not. I wanna hold you and feel you, see you and smell you, hear you and kiss you. I need to fight away your pain. I'll kiss away your scars and your ache if you let me. I just need to know how, I'll do all I'm capable. Shaking, I'm shaking, I'm shaking all over. And I feel so empty now, everything is empty now. Do you feel empty now? Expressing the emotions inside of me right now isn't happening for me, I need it to happen. I feel so needy. No one's undertstanding, no one's comprehedning, realizing that we need one another. I need you, I love. I want, I need you. I love you, I want you. My mind is running in circles again. And no one's understanding, no one's comprehending, realizing the things you need. i'm missing you, missing everything. I'm missing your beauty, missing your smile. I'm missing the look in your eyes, missing your touch. I know, I'm aware. It hasn't been that long, but even just a few hours and all I knew was that I needed to be with you. It seems as though when I hear you cry I feel your tears showering me. And it's almost like I can feel your pain. I can feel you hating the life you live through everyday in your home. More and more and all the pain you feel hits me harder. It hits me harder to see you in pain. And no one's understanding, no one's comprehending, realizing the amount of ignorance their throwing at you. If I could give you every drop of happiness that you send through me, I'd endure all the pain and sadness and hate if it helped you stay sane and complete. I need you like I need that air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink. I just now realized I might lose you forever... And after that I'd be in nothing but a wave of darkness and freezing pain pounding down on me. I'm too co-dependent, I'm just too needy of you, needy for you. I'm so needy, but their all so ignorant. I know what I think I'd do, so really what would I do, how would I react, how would I go on, what more would I do that I didn't say here... if I lost you?

391201  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-10-26
Written: (5968 days ago)

Why can't I make it go away??
Hmm.. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel so helpless. I love Carrie SOO much. I'm sure anyone who has actually read my profile or journals on here is clear on that, but I can't even BEGIN to describe how much she means. I feel her pain when shes hurting. I feel her tears when they fall. I feel her sadness when shes sad. I can't even begin to imagine my life now without her in it. I wanna be able to grow old with her, have a son, and a nice house and just be a family. I want to make EVERYTHING perfect for her, I wanna take away ever drop of sadness, heal her every scratch or scar, kiss her wounds away. I want all this shit she has to go through to just stop, and I wanna be able to do that, but I can't. When that asshole hits her all I wanna do is hold her, all I wanna do is kiss her, all I wanna do is free her of the fear and the pain. But I can't. All I can ever do is tell her I love her, but I wish that she could get away. I wanna just stop time and go to her and hold her. Conversation is insignificant, just to be with her for eternity with no time to worry about. In silence I feel the love more fully. I NEED her, I feel like I would die without her here with me. I would give her every last drop of my happiness and endure all the pain and sadness she has, just for her. I never want to have to lose her, I never wanna have to continuously worry about if shes getting hit or not because shes at home with HIM. But I do, and I despise this, I despise that I can't do anything to make it stop, I can't make it all go away for her. I know I make her happy, and help her, I'm there for her when she needs me.. whenever it is or wherever I am may be. I'd walk miles to get to her if she NEEDED me there with her. I just don't know what to do, I never know what to say, all I can ever say is that I love her. But it's just not enough, I wanna STOP it completely. She is my life, and I'd give up anything, anyone. Is it bad that I'm being like this, do I seem obsessed or weird? To me it's beautiful, that two people can share such a thing, and care for one another SO much.. shes beautiful, everything about her, even her flaws are beautiful to me.

388912  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-10-24
Written: (5970 days ago)
Next in thread: 389349

Alive in your prescence..


Theres been better days than this, better hours than this. Theres been better dreams than this, better nothings than this everything. My heart hurts sometimes, my eyes hurt, they feel so dry. Times like these I don't feel alive. Only when I'm with you, I really feel alive. Right now it hurts to smile, it hurts to hurt, I wanna hurt whats hurting me. Everything is blank.. I don't know the answer. Can you fill in the blank? Do it for me please? Take it all away. Pick me up and throw me away. Recycle, recycle... make me anew. Days like this I never feel alive. My skin feels so tight, I feel gross. do I look like I feel? Is my face grotesque? Empty, empty.. my veins feel empty. I don't feel alive, not when I'm away from you. Who are you? Who are you? Screaming and crying.. whining, I'm dying? I love you, I need you, I feel you, I see you. I love you, I need you, I hear you, I smell you. You're everywhere, everywhere. You're just not here.
386429  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-21
Written: (5973 days ago)

Carrie,
 
  I'm hurting so bad right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you, I'll say it over nad over again. I'll put ANYONE before. I've given up so much just to keep you in my life. And you say you love me too, you love me more than I love you. I want to undertsand this, I want you to help me understand this. I don't think I can, because if you love me and care for me as much as you do, how could you even manage to of gotten the words out of your mouth?? I wouldn't have been able to. I could never deny your place in my life, my love for you. I could never just tell someone your not my girlfriend, if anything I would tell the whole world. I know that Mallory is your bestfriend, and i know shes like a sister to you, but Kelly is to me, and I've chosen you over her. I've chosen you over my dad, you over Jordan. Your first, always will be. And you say the same to me. So how oculd you deny that I'm a part of your life? Even to just one person. If Mallory is always right, then why did you even stay with me after what she told you? You say it's because you love me, then why did you deny me? I believe you when you say you love me, I believe everything you say to me because I trust you. But I still just don't understand. How can you let someone make such big choices for you? She controls you. I love you more than the air I breathe. I love holding you, looking into your eyes. I love waking up to see your face in the morning. I love your smile, your laugh. I love your smell, your hair, your sensitivity, your humor, your activeness. I love the way you act stupid all the time. i love everything and anything about you. But I don't love that you've denied my place in your heart because your bestfriend told you I'm not your type. I know you don't wanna dissappoint her, but it's not like you would've stopped being friends over this. Do you have any idea how badly it hurts to know that you did that? I can't even begin to describe it. I'm aching so badly inside, I can't even cry anymore after I cried earlier about it. My heart literally hurts, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't sleep because your all I'm thinking about. I don't wanna lose you, I don't want us to fall apart. I don't wanna cry again, go in cricles again. I don't want US to end. I've come to a loss of words, I'm only repeating things. All those other things that slightly hurt me before, I blew them out of proportion, but this really is a big deal. Maybe not to you, but it is to me. By saying I wasn't your girlfriend, you said you didn't love me, I wasn't a part of your life, and I didn't have a place in your heart. I couldn't even eat after you told me that. And I did talk to my mom, but it doesn't matter what she said because I'm not gonna listen to her for once. I'm not gonna give up on you, I can't. I NEED you. I don't care how badly this hurts. I just wanna fix it. But what're you gonna tell Mallory later on? Are you gonna lie to her your whole life? Becuase you said thats how long you wanna be with me, and I you. I just wish you would stand up for what you believe about this whole, let her know what I mean to you, not lie to her. Don't deny me, don't remove me from your heart. Please, I love you. And do all the things that I was more than willing to give up just so I could be with you matter anymore? I don't want my smiles to fade waya from me, I don't want to lose myself completely, I don't want to hurt myself. I did.. I don't comprehend. I want to get through this, I wanna get through it fast. I don't wanna hurt like I am right now anymore, I don't wanna lose you. I don't wanna yell at you and shove words down your throat, and I feel like I might. I feel like I have no control. And I'm not angry, if I seem that way, I'm just mildly hurt. I feel broken to pieces, unknown. And even after you deny me I still love you more than the air in my lungs. I still choose YOU over anyone. I can't listen to all these people telling me that I deserve better than you, that I could get better than you. I can't listen to them saying that you don't deserve me, that you're lucky I even look at you. I can't. I just can't, I won't, I won't leave you over this, I won't bring myself more pain and leave you because of this. I'd rather die, I'm not afraid to. All I wanna do is go on loving you, and know that you love me, thats all I CAN do. And I wish I could say evrything and explain it like I want to, but it's not coming out right. I just wanna lay with you and cry. I don't wanna say anything, I just wanna be held by the one I love.

386423  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-10-21
Written: (5973 days ago)

A part of me long forgotten..


I lost myself today. I was walking along with smiles. Now their starting to break, and I'm beginning to cry and whine. And I walked away fro a while, I needed a little space. Some time to think, some time alone. My eyes were heavy, locked on the ground. I found a long lost friend. Every touch a sweet embrace. Only once did we fulfill a kiss. And I felt the pain she gave and took away. My muscles were aching, and I hated to cry, ahting the hurt. And our crimson blood began to flow. Something only for me and my friend, something quiet, something slow. And when I lost myself today, I found a part of me that died some time ago. I welcomed her back, loving hugs to follow. Did I really miss this me? Am I really planting sweet frozen kisses on this friend of mine? I lost myself today, and an old part of me came back to life.

I lost myself today
I've been wandering with smiles
They're starting to break
So much is weighing on me
It hurts so bad, my heart aches
And I made some stupid mistake
It's been a while since I saw that blade
But when I lost myself today
I found a friend long forgotten
Every touch a sweet embrace
I missed it, the pain she gave and took away
I hated to cry, I hated the hurt
But when we touched my tears got dry
Only once did we fulfill a kiss
Sweet and slow
Our crimson love began to flow
385373  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-10-20
Written: (5974 days ago)

Today I finally got to talk to Jordan.. I don't know whats going on. I love her so much and when I talk to her, hear her voice, see her face... it hurts. I don't know. Is that wierd. I love Carrie more than I've ever loved anyone, and I've only been in love twice. I don't know how it's supposed to be.. I don't know if it's ever hot it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm just not sure if anyone will ever really ALWAYS stay. When people say forever, it turns out to be too short. Jordan has stayed with me through thick and then for 3 years already. I just know that I love Carrire. I love seeing her face when I wake up in the morning, I love the way it feels when she wraps her arms around my waist, I love the look in her eyes, I love it when she says she loves me. I love everything about her and everything she does. But I still wonder if she'll stay as long as she promises, or will forever be another short never?? I hate the thoughts that come into my head at times like this. I hate doubting things, and I hate beginning things when I know they might end. It hurts so much. But this is really about Jordan, I've written sooo many things explaing how I feel about Carrie. How much I love her, how I need her to keep me sane and happy. But Jordan, I need her here with me too. I don't care if she is with me as a friend, a girlfriend. I just need her. I miss her so much, and today all i wanted to do was hold her and comfort her because of the bad times shes been through after she moved away. I don't know whats wrong with me. I mean, sometimes I think about what ti would be like between me and Carrie and me and Jordan if I hadn't broken up wiht Jordan to be with Carrie, whom I love more than the air in my lungs. But I don't wanna think about how it would be without either of them. I know though, no matter which road I take, I'll have to live without one of them. When I finally talked to Jordan today it hurt me, it hurt to know she was so far away, that I couldn't comfort her anymore when she needed me to. It hurt to know that we were fighting about stupid shit, and it also hurt because she helped me realize in some way that Carrie is treating me badly sometimes.. I don't know. I've given up so much just to be with Carrie. I've sacrificed my friendship with my only true friend, I've given up my chances with Jordan, I've come close to never seeing my dad again because he didn't approve. I don't know.. it's just things that she says, or sometimes the way she looks at me, or she rejects me and won't let me touch her. I know I take things too personally sometimes.. But either way, I still love Carrie more than life itself. I just know I love Jordan too.. Not as much, but I do.. And I need them both.

382529  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-10-17
Written: (5977 days ago)

I FEEL LIKE I'M DEAD OR SOMETHING

Nothing is ALRIGHT with me ANYMORE! This always happens. With everything is going great... EVERYTHING begins to go ALL wrong. I hate this. I'm getting sick of life. I mean, Carrie makes me happy when I'm with her and everything but theres some things that she does when she talks to certain friends from other places in Ga and everything.. it just hurts me alot. Like.. She says she doesn't have a gf or when she says shes at so and sos house if shes with me she only says FRIEND and stuff like that.. And tonight she was all telling this chick that she loved her and everything. She didn't even mention she had a gf or anything. BLAH. I know I shouldn't take it too personally but then again, I take EVERYTHING too personally. I don't know whats wrong with me, but anyway.. IT FUCKING HURTS.. And Kelly. BLAH.. I don't know what to say. I just wanna break down and cry almost every minute of my day.. and Jordan.. and... JUST EVERYTHING. Being in school doesn't help because I'm constantly tired and in the morning it hurts to even move, and my eyes ache 24/7.. I'm just in a very unhappy mood lately. I hope it goes away..
380636  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-10-15
Written: (5979 days ago)

Homosexuality: different, weird, a disease?

..By me

   For years in many people’s lives they have been told that homosexuality is sick and wrong. Many, even, claim that homosexuality is a disease. It has been banned by many places around the world, and discriminated against by many people; some people of greater power and others of lower. But out of all these people, the majority does not believe that homosexuals deserve the same rights to marry as heterosexual couples. Homosexuals have been a part of the population just as long as heterosexuals. Homosexuals should have the right to marry. We have never kept heterosexuals another from seeing their partners at the hospital. By law, homosexuals are denied rights to sign medical bills for their partners. Heterosexuals have never been denied the right to their partner’s belongings after they have passed. Homosexuals are not given the same chance for a family as heterosexual. 

  Because Homosexuals can’t marry they can be denied the right to visit their partners in hospitals. For a homosexual to be able to obtain information about their partner they must have costly legal papers drawn up, these papers are called “Power of Attorney”. This gives the healthy partner the right to make life saving and personal medical decisions for their mate and also show the hospital administration that the couple is committed to one another. But of course, having the papers drawn up isn’t enough, they must carry these papers at all times, because if they were to be in a life threatening automobile accident they would not be allowed back to see their loved one without them. However, if a heterosexual couple is in the same situation they are not asked to produce the marriage license, they just have to say “That’s my husband/wife” and they are permitted to any room of the hospital and any information that the doctor has to give. They can’t claim one another on insurance, so someone suffering from a long term illness such as cancer has to continue to work even when they are physically unable to, just to be able to have the insurance, because unlike with people who are married and can automatically carry insurance on their families and spouses, homosexual couples are forbidden this right.

  When a person in a married couple situation dies, the belongings automatically transfer over to the surviving spouse. This is not true in the case of a homosexual relationship. When the partner passes away they don’t have the right to even make small decisions about what the deceased wears at the funeral, the funeral itself, or even where they are to be buried, no matter how many years they have been together. They are charged an inheritance tax on anything they do receive unlike in the case of a married couple, and they MUST have a will or the surviving partner ends up with nothing. There is a case pending in a Florida court at this time, about a couple who had been together for over 14 years, and one of them was killed in an on the job accident. They were both cops and both worked for the same department. The surviving partner has received absolutely nothing due to them not being married. This means while the “hero” was laid to rest with a 21 gun salute the folded flag was presented to her mother, not her partner. That would have never happened to a married couple. There are benefits that are automatically bestowed on officers who die in the line of duty, the surviving partner has received none of those, she also almost lost the house which they shared for 14 years because of the inheritance tax that was thrown at them. None of these would ever happen to a married couple, regardless if they had been married for 1 day or 50 years.
  
   Family as defined by Webster’s Dictionary is a group of persons, consisting of parents and their children; a group of persons forming a household. It does not mention that one of the parents has to be male and the other female. But there are people, judges, and politicians who believe that without a person of both genders you can not be a family. Homosexuals are denied the right to adopt children, but what is better for the child; a loving home with loving parents, living in an orphanage, or shifted from foster home to foster home. There are cases where a couple has gotten divorced and the homosexual person is forbidden the right to ever see their child again. What does this say to the child, that different is wrong? If different is so wrong then why did God make us all so different and unique?

   Homosexuality: different, weird, a disease? All these things and more are the way many people across the world view the relationship of a man and a man or woman and woman. But is it really so wrong? Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals are people too. We’ve been around since the beginning of man just as heterosexuals have. Because we may have “a disease” or we’re weird or different, does this mean that we should be denied the right to marriage? Should homosexuals be denied the right to a family, possessions of their deceased partners, or visitations to their mate while they’re in the hospital? No, homosexuals deserve the rights to all of these things and more that they have been deprived of. Homosexuals deserve the right to marry.
379523  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-10-13
Written: (5980 days ago)

Is it odd that when I'm with Carrie, it seems like nothing is real?? Well, it does. I always seem to feel like it's just a dream. Something that would happen in a movie. Because the way I feel about her seems like it was never and will never be possible, but I know what I'm feeling. It's not something I can or will ever be able to explain, even though I try constantly. I try to explain it in my head, on paper, in words. I try to explain it to her. And I would give absolutely ANYTHING to have the chance for her to know ALL that she means to me. But I also know that it will never be possible. There is NEVER enough paper, enough time, enough ram, enough space, enough ink, enough led, words, enough ANYTHING to let her or ANYONE other than myself know the full extent of how I feel. I barely even know al of it concidering my affection towards her is growing every day. There are so many things that get in the way of us. So many things we have to put up with everyday. Things that push me to the edge, and when I get there, Carrie pulls me back into her arms and I can be calm. I haven't known her long, hardly a whole 2 months. But it seems as if I know her more than she does, and she knows me more than I know myself. And I already feel so much for her. More than I have felt for anyone. She is the only one that makes everything true for me. Makes all the belief and need for love that lives in me become more understandable. even if I do feel like I'm floating, like I'm in a dream, some deep illusional state, like I can never escape. But to be honest I hope I'm never pushed away if thats true, and I know I won't get away if given the chance to. I'm trying right now to think of what to say to let you all know, but I'm only writing this one for me, not for her, or for you. Not for my daddy to let him know that I love her through and through. But I'm doing this one for me. I'm trying to look inside myself and realize a little more of something that maybe I don't know is there. Cause I love her, and if what I'm feeling isn't really love. Than love isn't true. It could never be. Because all of my affection is weighing her down I'm sure. And it seems like I've put so much pressure on her, I never wanna do that, but I can't help what I feel. I never wanna hurt her, I never wanna do anything to break her heart, kill her inside. I never wanna touch her in a way she wouldn't appreciate, speak to her in a tone that would make her cry. And I know that one day it will be true, I need to be prepared, cause I'll be getting hurt too. And so many people say that they can't wait until we have our first fight, well I sure can. I know I'd cry, thats one thing I hate to do. Cause I know I'd do something stupid. I'll say something I know I'll regret, do something I know I shouldn't do. But my mom and Deb have been together for 4 whole years without fighting. Maybe me and Carrie can do that too? I don't know, it seems too good to be true. But then again me just being in her arms does too. Sometimes I just don't know what to do And what scares me most is that one day everything will change. sometimes a change is good, but if tomorrow she woke up and didn't love me- I just don't wanna think about that. And what if I woke up and what I'm feeling are no longer what I'm feeling today. I know then that I would be awake. I don't wanna be awake, I don't want this to go away. I don't want any of this to change. I've come to accept the life put before me for once. I don't blame myself for everything, just most things. I understand now what it means to live for someone else. I know that even if you are sad, happiness can live inbetween. I realize that there's always atleast one good thing to be happy about. and Carrie is my everything, my falicity. Is it odd that when I'm with Carrie, and she asks me what I'm thinking, I always say nothing. Because all that I said right now, thats what I'm thinking.

didn't wanna lose this.. x_X'

379455  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-10-13
Written: (5980 days ago)

Too Personally?

I wonder, do I take things too personally?? Do I blow things out of proportion? Am I just mean to have no friends at all. I don't know. I'm losing my bestfriend and it began happening too fast I didn't even see it until she mentioned it. I don't know what to do about it. We both have our pertners and rely on them more than anyone because we love them more than words can say. It seems like it doesn't matter if I care for her or she cares for me because we have someone else that has filled our places in each others lives. Somehow it seems like a time like this comes in every relationship, but I diodn't expect it this time. Everything has to have an end. But I hate endings, I hate the beginning when I know the ending will bloom one day. It pains me too much to sit back and let this all happen, but then again, what else can I do? Try to fix it?.. I'm trying already. I can only hope things are working.. I don't know what to do. And with Carrie, it already seems like things are ending slowly. I know they're not, but sometimes it does. Like I've done something completely wrong to make her never wanna see me or touch me ever again. But if I look behind that, I know that shes not feeling the same way. Maybe it's just me.. my self esteem. And now.. Well, now is like what happened after 7nth grade. I'll never know how this happens always and suddenly without even the slightest clue. But it always happens, and after 3 years of fighting and making up and loving one another no matter what, she claims that it was nothing real.. She doesn't love me? I should've just turned my back on everyone a long time ago if I knew they weren't gonna be there always. Because it seems as though this always happens with me and her. It's so predictable, but I didn't even see it. Maybe I should stop crying, stop caring, stop listening, stop EVERYTHING. Maybe I should just leave her completely alone and pretend like she was never in my life or that she meant nothing to me. Well, I can't lie to myself. I can't say to her all those things she said to me because it wasn't just a game for me. It was real, it is real, and it hurts to read the words written by her. Am I losing everyone that ever meant the slightest bit to me? Am I losing myself? I feel sadness again, but I'm happy. Why? Because I still have Carrie, because Carrie is still here with me. Will I lose her too, if not now, soon? If not soon, too late to see it coming? Maybe I've taken everything too personally, but I feel helpless to stop my feelings from pouring out this way.

376784  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-10-11
Written: (5983 days ago)

Our bond is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
You're drifting away
Our friendship is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Apart, apart
I'm falling apart
Our laughs are fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
I'm drifting away
And you're taking with you a part of me
Some parts that only you have seen
You're breaking away a part of me
A part of me that only you could be
Our bond is fading
Breaking..
Shaking..
Taking?
Away, away
We're drifting away

Dedicated to Kelly.. oO;

370014  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-10-03
Written: (5991 days ago)

My mind is ripping
My thoughts are splitting
I'm trying to speak but my words are drifting
It's all so good, it all seems fake
And when I'm no longer intoxicated I know I'm awake
Is this odd, everything seems like a dream
Is this odd, I'm breaking at the seam
Can you see inside of me
Do you know me more than me
I feel naked, but I feel complete
I feel cold, my face on the concrete
I am Content, now I smile
I am Secure, I think I'll stay a while
And I'm falling faster, wrapped in your arms
I'm falling faster, wrapped in my arms
It's all so good, I hope it's real
I love the way it makes me feel

365297  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-28
Written: (5995 days ago)

Carrie,
 This poem I am dedicating to you has taken the words directly out of my heart. I know it doesn't explain it all, I know nothing ever will, but thats the closest I have come to finding it. I truly have never in my life felt such love and passion for anyone than I do for you. I really want you to know that. I have so many hopes and dreams that you and I may grow old together. Because I love you and I never wanna lose you. I have, so many times, taken more easy escapes than one can imagine. But you're not my easy escape. You have, and I am grateful for, found my shattered pieces. I never thought one who found them would return to me those tainted shards. But you did, and I've never been happier. I know that with you it will always last. I never thought that I would find a love. I thought everything was just an illusion, something fake that fades away never to return. But you have proven me wrong, and I've finally found everything I ever needed or wanted. I don't want my words to be too soon for you, but they aren't just words, and thats exactly my point. If they were only words you would never have heard them roll off of my tongue. I'm just hoping when I say I love you it caresses your ears the way it does mine when I hear it from you. Because I have never and will never lie about my affection towards another. And I especially wouldn't to you. Thought this is the first time I have ever felt something so deep burning and bleeding inside of me. I just wanna set it free instead of bottling it all up inside. Because if I did it may have driven me insane. I love you Cariie, and if my words aren't enough maybe you can see it in my eyes or feel it when you touch me. Because there's an auro burning off of me that stings the world with what you mean to me. And I know it's all so hard to believe, but it aches to try and hide it from even me. I tried so hard to keep it quiet until the time was right. But the words that flowed into my ears that night pulled my heart out, and it felt so right. It was all so hard and squeezing me tight. I truly didn't know what to do, and I was so weak I couldn't fight. I know these words are saying alot. But I hope you know I mean every single thought, every single emotion that I have driven from my heart to my hand and written on my paper. And my hand's been moving so fast my mind is literally spinning. I'm feeling really shaky right now, but god there's just so much I want to tell. The words for what is in my heart don't even really exist. So I guess I say I love you, and seal this letter weith a kiss.

Old letter I wrote to my gf.. I didn't wanna get rid of it so yeah. Lol

324354  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-08-18
Written: (6036 days ago)

"My dearest"

My dearest Carrie
It's hurting, though it's worth the ache
How I try, I attempt
To let you know, how could I possibly show
I have a growing passion inside
It happened fast, yeah I know
And the clock is ticking
I miss you now, I missed you then
How did I last so long without you way back when
My sadness grew, my pain was burning
I felt alone, I felt so cold
But with you I'm warm, I'll eternally learn
More and more, theres always more
My love is more and my happiness is more
More than I knew, you, yeah, you're more
And I was so alone, but never alone
I yearned for it, for what you give
My dearest Carrie, you've shown me truth
My happiness is no mistake, my love is not a fake
And I know I took all those easy escapes
But you, you're not my fire exit door
You're my dearest Carriem you are my truth
you're my love, and you're so much more
My smiles can't be fake, I don't have to force them on my face
And it's hard to believe my bliss is true
But you're not an illusion, no, theres no confusion
And though we aren't acceoted, I'd give it all away to spend forever in your arms
I just hope forevers not too long for you
Cause no matter how long I lay with you, it's only seconds, just a few
My dearest Carrie, I'm in love with you
But theres so much more
And my passion is growing fast, I just hope my words aren't way too soon
My dearest Carrie, You've brought me bliss
I'm in love with you, my dearest

324347  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-08-18
Written: (6036 days ago)

"Where have you been?"

Where have you been all my life
I was stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife
Where have you been all my days
My eyes were burning in a misty haze
Where have you been to take my pain away
I missed you but now you're not too far away
You've entered my heart and I hope you can stay
It'd kill me to watch you you stray
Where have you been
Were you making some else's life great way back then
Well you're here now and I hope you never have to go
There's just so much I wish you could know
And it'll take forever and more
You've reached so deep, you've met the core
Where have you been
Where have you been
Where have you been all my life
I was once stretched upon a cloud of pain and strife

262626  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-06-21
Written: (6095 days ago)

why is it that everytime i think about Jordan my heart starts to hurt, and whenever I talk to her. I wish it weren't like that.. And I have no idea why it is. I wish it weren't that way. Sometimes she kills all bit of hope I have.. As in my hope for me and Brandon. But I know she is just trying to help me. It's reasonable as to the mistakes I made with my lst relationship, but I don't believe that same thing will happen again. And I'm more prepared for it then I was before. I just wish that I could talk to Jordan like I did when I first got to know her. It was great then, but of course we have both changed quite a bit since then. I just don't like it when I hurt like that. It's not like she is a bad person or anything, but it's hard for me to talk to her.. even about meaningless things.. without feeling pain in some way. I miss her.. ALOT, but we will never BE and I have to face that. I have Brandon now anyhow, and I love him so much. He does just as much for me, if not more, than she did before. But I'm not over Jordan completely, and I found that out tonight.. I do miss her. But anywho.. I'l stop this rambling and go pee pee... cause I really need to.

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