[The Color Megan]'s diary

1086878  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-07-16
Written: (4013 days ago)

I don't know what I"m doing on here at 4am. My original plan was to check it quick like I normally do. But I got caught up in it. I went through my friends list and realized most of them left. Some of them even passed away.

It's a website, I know. But go back 5 years and this was my life. This was the website that I spent all of my time on when I wasn't having the best summer of my life with my best friend of almost 9 years. That best friend has a baby now. My sister has a baby now. I'm in college and working full time hours. I honestly never thought I would be here. I always promised myself I would be farther than this by now because I know I'm better than this. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. It has taught me so much and helped me to grow up. Every single one of those people at work means something to me. That's exactly what they are, too. People. But that's not what I'm in college for. And I can't do that the rest of my life. As much as I love it, I know it's not what I'm here for. I have too much talent and too much potential. Where I work, it doesn't take talent. It takes a kind heart and patience. A love for life and a love for helping others. I have all of that, too.

Tonight I feel the lowest I've felt in a really, really long time. If ever. I don't have anyone to talk to. I let them all go. So here I am. A lonely, tiny town in Ohio. At 4am. On A social networking site that I had way before I ever had MySpace. Writing in a diary that still has Matchbox 20 lyrics in it. God knows I'm trying.

I swear to you, someday I am going to be something.
It might just take a little longer than I thought it would.

966818  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-08-14
Written: (4715 days ago)

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest
Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

I don't care what they think
I don't care what they say
What do they know about this
love anyway

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon

954262  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-07-02
Written: (4758 days ago)

i guess tonight you'll keep me between the sheets
this secret just between you and me
oh, your lips are my favorite resting place
please just don't tell me you dont need space

and you can't trust me
just to not hold your hand
oh and i'm not letting go until you see
eyes closed, toes deep in the sand

this knife isnt enough to stab me in the back
so spin me around, bring me to my knees
if its sense of feel that you lack
well then maybe i'm sorry

maybe can only take you so far
and baby,we could go to the moon
except there's nothing in the sky but burning stars
and the stars burn out too soon

oh, but we wont be burning out
i just can't let you down
so i guess if you knew what this was all about
you might keep me around

so please just take your hand in mine
give me what i asked for
just one last time
i swear i won't come back for more

its not fair to keep me under chains
while you're out building skyscrapers
falling in your name

yeah she just might be everything you wanted.

948095  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-06-14
Written: (4777 days ago)
947535  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-06-12
Written: (4778 days ago)

I'm writing postcards from a ghost town
And addressing them to your heart
You've been down, but never out

And you're my mind when I can't seem to think
But never on the brink of destriction
I've never thought of much more than him

Don't tell me things don't seem right
Because you've always been the first in my mind
Please don't call me second best

I'm not sure I can handle it

Just tell me that things will be okay
It's always better off that way
Or you could lie to me, so at least you'd know what to say

941429  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-05-21
Written: (4800 days ago)

i’m constantly surrounded by a feeling
it came swirling down and crawled beneath my sheets
it followed me out to the car and to the park
she said, you always make me shake

i think i found something amazing
now its your turn to amaze me

you paint the sky a crimson red
you bring the stars to life right from your bed
you always make me feel like july
and i wonder why sometimes

we’ll lay up on your roof at night
and watch the shooting stars fly by

i’ll tell you, someday i’ll take you there
i love the pretty songs you sing
the way you bring me to my knees
with your paralyzing voice

take my words and your time
i’m feeling empty but i was blind
you let the radio play

our love’s deep like the seas
i face the waves as your currents drown me
you sweep me away
940221  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-05-16
Written: (4805 days ago)

Dear you-
I have been in love with you for 17 months and 2 days. Since the day before your 16th birthday. After over a year of getting it wrong, we finally got it right. For once, we got it right. And every night I fell asleep with you, and some mornings I even woke up to you. Between all of our inside jokes and fights and everything that we've been through, I honestly thought we had it. I was so excited because you ewre getting better. We were supposed to have that house on the beach and those two kids. And when I got mad at you and made you sleep on the couch, I'd go lay on the couch with you. And we'd wake up on the floor because the couch isn't big enough for both of us. And I'm okay with that. But once we finally got it right, something went wrong.

No matter how much we're right for eachother, it doesn't matter to you. What matters is that you didn't want to have feelings for me. So you are denying absolutely everything so that maybe, just maybe, they'll go away. Well i'm sorry. I don't care how much you don't want it, if you truely had feelings for me in the first place, they wouldn't go away over night. I don't want you to get better anymore, because when you started getting better, you started hating me. You started ignoring me and not believing me. You don't trust me and you tell me things like "i'll see you in hell" "i can't stand you" and "you ask too many questions." Well everyone has quirks. One of mine is asking, because if you never ask then you'll never know.

I'm sorry I have to be the way that I am. But it is the way that I am and I thought you said you loved the way I am. Just last night you told me you loved my voice. And now today you don't have feelings for me. You are tearing me up. You are tearing every part of me into tiny little pieces and they're slipping so far away from me, i'm not going to be able to get them back. And it doesn't matter who I meet 20 years from now and IF I even get married, because it's never going to seem right. It's never going to seem like the right person.

Well, this is how much I love you. i'm going to wait for you forever. I'm going to sit here, and i'm going to wait for you. I'm not sure if love exists, but if it does, I know you'll come back to me. And that's how i'll know if it really does exist or not. You honestly mean everything to me and I think you know that. You just don't want me to. You don't want me to be in love with you and you don't want to love me back. I'm not sure if this is for my own good, or for your own purposes. So i'm sorry. I'm sorry everything had to turn out this way.
I'm sorry that it seems i've failed at everything.

Love always,

Those inside jokes
and the things we know
were the furthest thing from my mind.
But you let one slip,
and I forget and smile.
But I shouldn't,
'cause I hate you,
and I hope this irritates you.
As much as it does to me,
for even thinking that I don't want you.

936982  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-05-06
Written: (4816 days ago)

it's strange.

where were you when we started this game?

i wish the real world, would just stop hasslin' me.

please don't change.

915744  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-03-02
Written: (4880 days ago)
Next in thread: 916256, 924755

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

872294  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-11-08
Written: (4994 days ago)

You're probably right...I'm sure I don't have any idea what you're going through. How hard it is to let someone go. How painful it must be to know that as right as you two are for each other, it doesn't mean you're right for each other right now. I wouldn't know a thing about that. About how it makes you want to scream, or hit someone...or cry.

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