Update, as I'm bored at 6 a.m.
I don't care anymore. Woot woot, I just don't care - I realise the things I was hurt for over and over are stupid and oh so petty. The human race is stupid and weak. Hardly worth a damn.
I let myself listen to so many damn friendship speeches that I withered and weakened myself, not realising untill it was too late. I became a slave to my fear, to people who held love over my head like it mattered for shit. I became afraid to speak, afraid to be alive, tired of being alive. Angry with no outlet but myself. Unsatisfied with everything, constantly living scared to death of being abandoned and alone if I stepped out of line or did things others wouldn't agree with.
Well guess what, me? I don't give a shit about any of them anymore. I'm to blame for becoming so pathetic, as if friendship and love would fix my issues, as if friends are at all self sacrificing, as if humanity could be honest and kind. Why the hell would I want to hang around idiots? Why the hell have I not snapped for the constant undermining and disrespect? I don't need these people, I never needed them. If anyone wants to say shit to me, they can taste the back of my hand. I'm in charge.
It's good to be back.
Hm.. Why are you people so stupid? You know who you are.. ^^
I woke up today and laughed to think that Jack would be seen now as alchoholic.. At least he wouldn't smell like one >>
I thought I'd have more to say. Guess not.
What a strange dream I had.. A dream I was handed a curved knife, maybe dagger. A gift from Ash who'd said he'd used it many times as a child. He spoke, like a human for once.. I realise I much prefer him the way he is ^_^
In this dream I had a map of Egyptian carvings, each of us marked as a moving heiroglyph.. Cici had a large black scarab, dead of course. >.> She didn't seem to like me much as we conversed in an open room full of blue and whitestone.
Near the end I remember Ash's heiroglyph gaining a crown.. I woke up soon after that.
What a strange dream...
Guh. Passing out is no fun. I think I'm in love... It's all messed up you know. Oh well, I don't think my love life will EVER work seeing as I want a pure and kind and noble funny person with the ability to comfort.
Can't find that anywhere really. Well I'm just gonna keep things the way they are.
'Glares at the world' Why is all this shit happening, huh?!? Why am I still in love with an utterly conceited stupid jackass? WHY?!? 'Recedes into teen angst mode' Nothing ever workds out for me, does it? God or Satan, someone with great power must have something against me. And who could blame them?
And to think that the one boy I thought would be there for me betrayed without question. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? 'sighs' Shit.
Very sad, many shit has happened.... Heh, I'm thinking about Ass Like That right now.... I juist got back from the river, and I saw a guy with a compound fractured leg and blood was everywhere!!!! Poor guy.
Just got back from Fernie, I miss Shea ever so much now... Ah well, soon enough I can run into his arms... Which is kinda really fully pathetic for ME of all people, but tonight I'm lonely and I want someone to hold me.... Especially after what mom said to me at supper today. 'Sigh' It doesn't even matter, does it?
Nothing's really that big of a deal it would seem.
My three good friends miss me lots though, so I guess I feel loved. Heh, oddly enough, I want a different love tonight.... Random and crazy as that is. Meh, whatever.
Well, tomorrow I'm hanging out with Alex, Mona, and Lee and some Lake or something like that. Noonish I think, so I got something to look forward to at least.
I've pretty much made a chart of ways to keep myself busy 'till Shea returns. But my eyes are sore and my throat is dry and I'm very much so tired.
I shall sleep now.... Keh, those Tarot cards... Need another reading.... Then I'll go to happy land.