[Simply Real]'s diary

956085  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-07-08
Written: (4751 days ago)

As much as I am so angry and depressed I have to keep going onward. I have no choice. I realize all the shit in my life that I hate so damn much is my fault. I know that and I wont ever be able to run from that fact.

I regret everything I did with Tamara, its ripped my heart right from my being, its torn my spirit to shreds. Its destroying my life. The only glimmer of beauty left is found in my sons innocent cries.

I can't blame Tamara or Derek or any of her friends... I can't blame God or Gods people. I was warned to stay away from Tamara well over a year ago, when we first started flirting and everything... I knew better... But found myself lonely and then thusly tried to remedy it myself and well fell into sin and now I pay for it in full.

I pay ever day with tears as my heart breaks again and again. I pay ever day that I choose not to pray and then end up worse.

I cannot put into words how hard my life is, then how much more I hate myself at the end of the day when I fuck up and fall.

I am my own worst enemy. Dying to change, dying to try and live. But every single day its a struggle to find reason to pray, a reason to smile, a reason to go on. Especially when it feels like nothing changes, rather in fact only gets worse.

Yes, things have taken another odd twist and I am broken, more broken than broken. Imagen me as a mirror thats fallen from the wall, in shards now on the floor. Then imagine as if I've been swept under a steam roller used in paving roads. I'm nothing but a chalky powder of what once was a glass mirror.

Praise God none the less. Not because I want to or because it's easy but simply because thats what obedience is.

Given also that I do want God so badly, I desire him and his will. My spirit cries out for a deeper relationship with him. Yet my flesh is so pissed off, so depressed. I have a war to fight still. I guess I wont see a better day in the war I fight with Tamara until the war within myself is first won.

It's evident she has made her choice. So be it anyway... Ive evidently faded in her life and am just a memory, a bad one at that. I had my chance and I chose to screw it up by simply thinking of only myself. Now that everything is gone I realize what I lost, what I chose to give up and now that I want it the moment has passed and here I am.

I admit now I cant be bothered to pursue Tamara. I just build up my hopes in my own mind, in my own world, and then shes the wrecking ball that destroys every hope I hold onto. Given than theres no false hope, then there is nothing to destroy and Ill fair better. Sides the fact, she is not the same Tamara I knew a year ago. The beautiful Christian she was becoming has since long died and now shes something different. Tainted by her friends and Derek, being led away from who she really is. The funny thing about this is that I'm not the only one who realizes it, so its not something that is just in my head. Thank God for that at least.

Moving onward.

In the pain and empty I find in my heart due to the lack of time spent with my son, I find myself crying over his picture and holding onto it for dear life every day. I write to him in hand written letters than one day he will get to read. He will read my sorrows, my pains, my regrets, yet also find wisdom, truth and love, my love for him. I encourage him, pray for him and let him know how special he is. So that way he will know as much as I have been unable to be there in his first months alive, I was with him in spirit and did think of him much and did love him with all my heart.

Damn I love my son. Let no man ever say I don't love him, that I did not try my best to make things better. For if I ever hear that, I think I'd tear that person apart. I miss my baby boy, I want to be a father. I want to hold him. I just want to see him.

I don't care anymore what Tamara thinks of me, don't care if she ever has another nice though in her head about me. I know she does not respect, does not care for me, does not feel for me in anyway.

and thats perfectly fine.

All I care about is being able to see my son, given that I can have that, and hopefully soon, then Ill fair better and my heart will feel whole.

My life is in pieces and I'm sick of going on each day, facing each new trial and problem while still trying to fix what went wrong yesterday. I'm sick of living pay check to pay check. I want to feel and love and live. I want to have a damn life! I want to be free of throat strangling pain, I want to believe I can love and can and will find love and that I can and will have a family. I want to believe Ill go on to school and do and write about great things.

Im sick of just surviving, just struggling to make it by. I want to be free. I want real friends who are deep and real, who will cry when they want to cry and will laugh when they want to laugh. Im sick of fakes, frauds and drug heads. Im sick of proud losers who ONLY think they have a life and know something about life. Im sick of all the materialistic bone heads who believe money is power and then thusly have some right to boast over others. As if money is the driving force to life!? ITS NOT AND YOU WILL ONLY LOSE WHAT YOU'VE MADE AND COLLECTED - ITS ALL POINTLESS!

Rather I want to meet people who have learned that the driving force of life is LOVE. just simply pure love. Love by listening, comforting, spending time with one another. Learning about who each other is in what ever relationship you may find yourself in. Just to prove you have heart, character, charisma and thusly life.

You know nothing of life and what life is if you don't know love or how to love. You have nothing of value in life and know nothing of happiness if you have no love. And at that real love! Not this fake love that 99 percent of people find themselves in. Young people for the most part, the one who have boy friends and girl friends but are to busy fucking each other to even know whats really going on in their head and hearts. They have no reason to. Its all lust. Simply vanity. They love the idea of a beautiful face and not the person as a whole.

If anyone of these people I make a general reference to, knew love... Then Im sure id see them happier, hear them fighting and swearing at each other less... Im sure there would be more self sacrifice and more understanding when, first listening, then responding with understanding.

BUT no. You see far to little, if any of that at all. But at the end of the day, when they are in bed together, boy do they love each other.... or at least their bodies do.

Moving onward yet again...

I suppose this is the testing and the trying that we Christian hear so much about. To have failed and fallen then to have to cling to Jesus to find any restoration and hope of ever living again. Sadly though again, it is our own self we must point the finger at, at the end of the day. Its my own fault for road block and mountains in the way. Now I have to take the longer, harder rout around, all the while realizing once again I never listened and learned my lesson the very painful and hard way.

If its anything I hope my son learns, its how to listen. If he does not then he too will know nothing but pain in trials that come and go day in and day out.
Well... If I truly want to improve myself I have no choice but to get up, face the fight, go head on into the war zone. Climb that most dangerous part of the mountain, I have to go on no matter how hard or depressing this journey gets.

Perhaps ill never see a day when im truly happy ever again, but then perhaps at least when I die no one will ever be able to call me a failure, because I never ever failed to try. So here I go once more, tears in my eyes.... knowing that I will never... ever.... give up....

and furthermore... I love you with all my strength, heart and being, my son, Jeremiah. Daddy loves you.

948082  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-06-14
Written: (4776 days ago)

Well my son was born on Sunday, June 10th 2007 at 5:24 pm. He is 6lbs and 10 ounces and is 50 centemeters long. He is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, so damn cute! So cute! Soooo cute!

Unfortunatly for me I found out just yesterday. Tuesday the 12th of June. Tamara called me at 7 am in the morning. You know what? I dont even need to vent how frustereted I still am over that. And all I am going to say on this matter now is... How many more special moments will be stolen away from me, how much more pain will she cause me?

So yeah I spent the day with Tamara and Jeremiah... Prayed over him, talked to him, and just held him for as long as I could. I cried allot. Hell, I bawled my eyes out. I mean... i dont know how to put into words... all I can say is I love him so much I cant describe it... I broke down bawling cause... I wonder if my dad held me like that and ever felt that way about me. And if he did, why then did my life go as it did?

Yeah, I wonder if my dad, at just 16, could even feel love. Even knew love. Did he hold me crying over me? Whispering how much he cared and how long he would be there? Did he make promises in his heart never to break? Some how... I reall doubt it... and if he did... all those promises have been broken.

Needless to say, as it may be evident to the preceptive... this has changed me. Now and forever. I am a father and wow it feels good.

I just wish.... well... i bet you know what I wish.... Wish things still werent so messy... i wish alot... but i cant say much in here any more... to many people who are against me to reveal my inner most thoughts. I gota play this all smart now and really delve deep into God and use wisdom in what I display to the public now.

Yeah... I told my family, they are supportive. its cool.

All I want to do is gush over Jeremiah... or as tamara went and spelt it Jeramiah. That doesnt look right, doesnt sound right. Its not right! I named him biblically for a reason, for the meaning of that name spelt correcly. Oh well. its trivial really, what really gets me is that again its just another slap in the face, another notch of pain in my heart, as its another sign of lack of honor and respect.

For which I've done nothing but show her, encourage her, say how good she did... and I get well.... excuses and these little things stabbing me in my heart and thoughts all day long in return.... oh well... in time God will fight this war for me.... and then.... and then..........

I let it all go... and again I forgive her. Bloods off my hands. Im doing my part and more, Im going beyond....

Oh and sweet little Derek, Tanara's current boy friend.... Im not even going to touch that subject openly. What a charachter. Or for that matter lack there of. Thats all im going to say.

You know what I love about time? Time reveals everything. What we are really made of, whats hiding the dark recesses of our hearts. What nasty things are within in... What lies we tell our selves for the sake of others, or the lies we directly tell others....

Or rather the opposite should you be seeking the light, truth and wisdom. Then its only a matter of time untel you prove yourself true to every God given strength that pounds from the very core of who you are. And certainly I will rise above all of this, proudly speaking of God in my life, how he helped me and made me who I am. I will rise above all of this and show ever single person who doubts me. I know Ill even exceed what I expect of myself. Now that will be a powerful testimony. And I promise one day Ill preach it.

In the end... Tamara will wonder why she ever thought the way she does now about me. And at last it will not be a sad day for me...

Yes, I leave it all to God and well, Dereks in Gods way and Tamaras in God's way of Derek. Should be interesting, no? Did Jesus not say that should you have faith enough you can say to the mountain " be removed, into the ocean with you!" Faith to move mountains, to remove obstacles!

Well... My dear little Derek, your an obstacle... and your in Gods way... and I say this once. I am a young man of profound faith. I've done, seen and expereinced things that exist only in your imagination.

Anyway... its apparent im a little bitter and upset.... but that is greatly out done by the intense joy I feel when Im looking into the eyes of my baby boy. Weather or not the situation is so screwed is of no concern as to how Im going to love that baby. So from now till the day I die I will live like I love him with EVERY last part of my entire being. And when he is a young man, he will never ever be able to doubt, that his father loved him, loved him more than life, more than his fathers own life. More than anything... and with a tears now in my eyes, I leave you all with that.... good day and Godbless.

939079  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-05-12
Written: (4808 days ago)

Who wants to play....

Come out and find me...

It will be nice....

and we will have fun...

938873  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-05-12
Written: (4809 days ago)

This is what I live for in life. To be able to speak from my heart, and inspire people. Get them thinking. I am saving this here because its the first time anyone has quoted me in this manner. So here it is, and may it not be the last.

He quotes what I say in the quotations, then comments.

By [run with the hunted]
Now THOSE are some seriously awesome words of wisdom! ^_~

"Be bold and as harsh as needed, always speak up and stand out.. never surrender who you are, unless its for a greater good or the bettermeant of yourself"

I almost wanna copy this quote, post it on my page, and write "Read it people! He KNOWS what he's talking about!" Lol.

895972  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-01-07
Written: (4933 days ago)
Next in thread: 896163

Well here I sit in the after math of more disapointment. I tried lying to myself, saying it was ok and that it really didnt bother me. But I guesse i would'nt have sat there bawling my eyes out in church if that was the truth.

No then again those tears were more than that. More than disapointment. It was pain and hurt and worry and fear and the burdens of so much more.

I am feeling revived now, re-energised. That was what i needed. Now this year starts of right. And by that I mean with everything ive realized and learnt and know and have taken in. I have so much damn strength in me I have so much love and patients and kindess. I have so much potential! Its time to use this and work it with me and God and not just have my greatest strengths working against me.

So here I am, putting the past behind me and focusing ONLY ON GOD. nothing and no one more. No one and nothing else is as important. Nothing. I say it again. Not a single person or object or thing is more important. 110 percent on God. Ill show you a Godly man. Ill show you a miracle.

Im sick of having hopes raised and then dashed. Specially when i knew better and God showed me the out come before it happend. I prayed into them and believed in them. And they still fell and broke and in turn i stumbled after them trying to catch it and in process fell and broke myself.

No more worry or fear. Im doing everything in my power, will, strength and being to be a Christian to be what I know is right. To fallow God. And through this ill rise to meet destiny. My destiny as a father, as a christian as a powerful man of God. As a singer, guitair player and more. All my dreams rest in fallowing God. I know then that if I do everything that I can in my will to fallow God then there will be no blame on me for thins done or gone wrong. There can and will not be acusations of me being this or that or people trying to say this or that. There will be no lies no rumores and no half assed assumptions on who I am and what I am and what i am trying to acomplish.

Speaking of lies. Every little dark and evil thing plotted and planned will be broken. Every little error and lie will be shown and revealed for all to see. In any one and everything. Anything half true will be destroyed and truth and love will WIN. Nothing will stop it. Nothing will stop God.
Its been proven time and time again in my life, and in your and in anyone elses. Just look and see. See how many times you've lied and how many times you've been found out. Go on and count. Then think of all the lies you have hidden and ponder how close each one has nearly been found out. Then realize its only a matter of time till they come out. Prepare yourself and humble your heart and be ready to face the error of your ways. for when you do it will be easier to take the pain than if you continue to resist in pride.

Things not of God are broken and rebuilt. Thins of God shine through and last.

Further more on the topic of deception, speaking from my own heart here as all of this has been... Its my own self examination that teaches me this stuff... as it should be with anyone who deems themselves smart... a smart person will self examin themselves, realize the truth of their own hearts and then build upon it, after dealin with the bad stuff.

My point now is this... I used to sit in church as many have done and still do, thinking that I was ok with God that day for having shown up in church. Meanwhile I had my own plans and agenda in my own will. Id listen and not really hear the message, Id feel conviction but push it down. Id think "im just gonna do this and repent later"

Doing this I hurt God so much. How stupid I and anyone who thinks they can sit there for an hour and pray for what they need and want and then go off in their own will and do what ever it is they want to do all the while expecting God to move in their life.

What im saying is this, you will not be blessed so long as you are greiving Gods heart. He will not turn a ear to your prayers, he wont take away the fear and furthmore he will not let your life be easy so long as you are ignoring his words and his will. Its nice that we think we can sit there, pray and talk to God asking him for this and that, then walk away with out him talking to us, with out him directing us.

I mean God only blesses those who listen to him and his word and his direction and leading. You cant pray and expect a situation to improve if God asked you to stop something but you said "no" yet were still praying for him to help you! It dont work like that!

See being a christian is more than just praying for what we want to a god who loves us. Its about talking and walking WITH God and thusly developing FAITH. And its when we are in God and in TRUE faith that God moves and blesses our lives. Being a christian is about self examination, seeking Gods help to deal with errors by listening and being obediant. Praying and persisting in faith. IN FAITH!

So many people say they have faith and I too am guilty of this, but really they dont. Heres a made up example, Some one praying for money for food and hoping for that from God, yet in their own will they have already planned to borrow money from a friend or the bank. What was the point in praying if you have already taken care of the matter? Or if you pray and then seek a means to make your own prayer be answered? Thats not faith, thats your own will and controll.

In my own life im guilty in this way. I pray for things with tamara to improve. God hears me then talks to me giving me instruction expecting me to be obediant so he can move and change our hearts... then i do something like try to call her and i end up getting in the way and getting more hurt and thusly make it worse.

Like wise this is the out come of any situation where we think we have faith and pray and then stay in our own controll over our own lives. We reap pain. Tons and tons of pain. Thats what is coming ones way who has controll over their own life.

Faith is the substance and ASSURANCE of things hoped for and the conviction of things unseen.

If you have the assurance of God there is no fear, no pain, no worry. You have your answer and its a matter of time for it to manifest in reality.
So if you are afraid and worried you have no faith. If you still need to plot and plan and make a safty net in your own life then you do not have faith. The moment you stop controlling every sitation is the moment you have started your walk in faith.

Todays message was about making God the king in EVERY LITTLE ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. Now when i think about this, this is what comes to mind. This means God controls and directs my life. He is to be made king over my life. I give it to him cuz he gave me life. and in doing this I show God that I do truly love him and am not just saying it with my lips. Now lets go even deeper and break this down.

God is king over my worries and fears, he is king over my relationships and the direction they take. He is king over my Job, over where I live over where I go to church and over who I interact with. Now you might think this is kinda extreme! Well if your a christian and your prayer is that God make you the person he wants you to be... THEN MAKE HIM KING IN THESE AREAS AND MORE. Why pray that God change you then resist the change? Why pray to be stronger then weaken youself with your own will? See what I mean is that so long as you listen to God in all areas of your life and not just one or two, he will make you that person you want to be and the person he wants you to be. In being obediant in these areas he shapes you, fulfills you and shows you who you are.

He doesnt work against us, God is for us and hence why we MUST trust him! We might not like the way certain things feel or look we may question God on things but we will never know till we step out in faith and let him shape us through the people he wants and circumstances he brings across our paths.

Like for instance again in my life right now I face such pain hurt and sorrow. Now first I must say it was my own will that acomplished all this pain and hurt. I ignored God. But now non the less God can use this horrible circumstance to line up with his will for me still! He is using all this to make me stronger, smarter and wiser. He is using this to make me into the mighty man of God he wants me to be. How fitting considering my prayers are constanly "God make me stronger, make me into that christian i am meant to be" So hes answering my prayers... sure its not in a nice easy way like one might assume but still its getting the job done.

So much pain can be avoided if we are just obediant right off the bat. Opposed to thinking we are so smart and that we got it figured out. We ALL like to make plans and figure stuff out. We all try to manipulate circumstances and people hoping for the best out come for OURSELVES. not considering anything or anyone else, often till its much to late. So give up your own will and ways now! Do it before the pain is upon you and you are so broken you cant find the space to breath! Its easier than breaking and then letting God sort through the peices of garbage trying to salvage something.

So long as we plot and plan and schem and manipulate we set ourselves up for a crushing blow. We sow discored and hurt and thusly will reap discontentment and pain. Stress is the reward of those who take their own lives into their hands. Fear and worry is the reward of those who take their own lives into their hands. Any one with out faith welcomes stress, pain, hurt, sorrow and ultimatly an usatisfied hunger for what is real and what is true.

What is real and true? Love. Love love love. REAL LOVE. real love in all ways in all areas in all relationships. Meaning to say that if you really love someone you listen to them, you honor them in the way they want to be honored. You take into consideration their thoughts and feelings. And then vice versa. This is how it works with God and i say this right now in all truth.

You do not love God if you do not listen to him and consider him in all things. You do not show him honor by disobeying his wisdom and guidance.

So love people and God in this manner. After all thats all we want in return is it not? We all want love and honor! Whats the golden rule again? Oh yes! TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WISH TO BE TREATED!
So if you want people to listen to you first listen to them! You want people to respect you first respect them! If you want love then first love!

How many of us like to think ourselves better and higher than other and then demand so much from others while giving nothing back? While not treating them how we expect to be treated? Its unfair isnt it.

I experienced this all myself. I am very guilty of that myself and have since been humbled and since have repented and hence why i do share all of this. I used to do all that myself. I sowed pain and hurt in others and expected more in return. But instead in return i reaped all that pain and hurt back onto myself. And this is a warning to anyone who mistreats people unfairly. Not to say that there is a right way to mistreat people. Simply put. Do not mistreat people, even when they are deserving. Instead love and you will be so loved and blessed back!

Sometimes we get so deceived and we dont realize how much pain we cause God and others. We figure cuz we've done this or that its good enough and we are ok in relationships with people or God. Not even realizing we missed the mark and the point.

So many of us again like to think cuz we do things the way we want to we must be serving God and helping others. We think simply cuz we pray we are christian or simply cuz we beleive. We simply think cuz we talk to people about God we are doing him a favor and helping him. But it all means NOTHING if we are not first listening to God.

How can a student of math teach math to other students when he only goes to science class?

Like wise how can a Christian teach people about God when they fallow after the voice of satan himself? No one can minister effectivly or leave a mark on someone when their lives are not lined up to Gods will for their life. and thats the truth. You will not win souls so long as you youself are in the same sin. Instead you are only doing more damage and are really working for the devil. Its the truth and again ive experienced this myself. These are all my own expereinces and realization in here. No ones but mine. These are my lessons here to remember and read over and learn from more.

Furthering that point though, so many of us want to do good but we want to do it our own way. We like to think we are smarter than God and thusly we do things in our own power and will. Heres something interesting did you know its in the satanic bible that every one will be for himself and do as he or she pleases? It is the principle of satan that one will have his own will. And from that we can learn that so long as we are in our own will doing our own thing our way, WE WORK FOR THE DEVIL AND ONLY CAUSE HARM EVEN WHEN WE THINK WE ARE DOING GOOD FOR GOD!

Amazing eh? I know so many of us, me included have thought, oh man what a GOOD idea! Not realizing its not a GOD idea, and thusly did something to further satans work in my life or others and only hinder God.
So before you think you have GOOD ideas check them over to God get his wisdom and guidance. Dont think youself smarter. Rather be humbled, go to church and read the bible. Fix the sin in your own life before daring to try to help others in their lives. For if you try and you youself are not right with God then only negative effects take place.

For instance first and formost you look like a hypocrite, you look fake. How can you preach on a all powrful God that can help in anysitation while you demonstrate your own weaknesses and faults yet that need to be fixed by God. It kinda disproves that God is real. Its like well if your a Christian and belive why hasnt God helped you in those areas?

Another thing it does it dimishses all power behind the truth of the word of God. You take away anointing and dont get to the heart of the person.
You cannot preach on things you struggle with. always first PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH.

Lastly and more dangerous than all else is this.
If you have preached to someone while not right with God and in sin and that person sees and knows that, then all you have done is okayd their sin and shown them that they can continue to live in sin while praying to God. You have not only then decieved yourself but them as well. You have now acompished the goal of sending a soul to hell rather than saving it with the truth. Hence why I said in our own wills we work for satan not God. Christians are guilty of this every single day.

To preach truth you must be in and around truth.
You need to be in church around HOLY SPIRIT filled leaderd, teachers, preachers, ministeres, evengelists, prophets and the whole darn thing! You need to take math class and pass it to teach math!

I feel sorry for so many people who sit in church thinking they are ok with God.. not realizing the day they die they will be burning in hell along side the people they thought they helped. Satan will be laughin and God will be crying. So please stop making God cry right now please humble youself and repent should you need to repent. Stop sinning, stop running your own life.

Realize that if you repent now you save yourself pain tomorrow. Get rid of that mentality where you think "Oh i want to go to the bar tonight, ill repent tomorrow" You know what? You sure can do that but remember that when you do, you put another nail in Jesus hands. Enough of that, "ill try harder tomrrow just not today" No more of that "Just this one time and never again."

NO! NEVER AGAIN STARTS NOW! start examining your life! Start using the strategy of wisdom to lead your life! Simply ask yourself when doing something or going somwhere. "Will jesus want to go there?" "What would Jesus have to say about this or that?" Its so simple. If you ever feel like Jesus is not comfortable with a choice, or a person, or a place do not go along with it! If you have to stop being a christian to go into a bar or to date someone or to make a choice then dont do it! If you know God is not smiling about where you are taking Jesus or how you are using him them do not do it! Like i said only pain will fallow.

Well all this is all my own hearts examination. I have learnt so damn much over this past year. Here it is in short. This blog is a memory of what i went through so it is to be rememberd and relflected upon. I speak only from my own heart and experiences. I too have struggled and am struggling with the above. I am as you are, simply learning. So lets all work together in real love and really begin to get somewhere in life, in unity.

Godbless to which ever soul may stumble upon this and read... and learn... and grow... life will be yours in abundance... See you on the other side...

880172  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-11-29
Written: (4973 days ago)

This is where im suposed to write something about who I am. Well I'll tell you the truth, I dont know who I am. I have found bits and pieces and there are reminents of who I used to be, still there is an unsatisfied hunger burning within me. I know all my answers, at least the ones I'll find in this life time, lie with God.

If I were to be honest and give an acurate report of me and my life at this time... Well this is what I'd have to say... Im hurt and broken. You know as many a times that I've been here it's never hurt like this...

Recently my girlfriend whom is pregnant with my baby, dumped me. It's given me quite the wake up call. As hurt as I am, I know good will come out of this. Today I have re determined to try harder to be a better Christian. That way I can work on the skills I need to love better. At this time I cant stress how important that is, not just for myself but for anyone. To really know how to respect and honor someone, to really apreciate the person they are. It takes alot! At one point I knew how, hey most of us have at one point. But soon we grow lethargic and start taking things for grantid.

I have learned a painful lesson, one that I wish not to have to learn again. I as latly, as much as I have tried to be a wise helpful person, have been a fool. Ive been so distant and angry with the wrong people. I havn't focused on anything important to me, even in relationships.

and you know why?

Because of them damn chemical drugs! Thats the worst part. You know they blind you pretty fast. All the wrong things seem good and entertaining...as so long you are high. The longer your high the more the truly good things wither away and die.

Its a painful reality to come back to when you've suddenly realize you've just crashed and are burning, you've missed the mark and its to late.

Yeah. Some Christian i've been eh? I feel like a fake, a hypocryt, a liar. Im ashamed and consumed with self anger. Thankfully today I fell on my face praying. Got everything out, well alot anyway. I know theres more to come yet. I just pray that yesterday was the worst of it.

You know what? There's nothing like diving inside a person eh? Why bother with the surface stuff? You know why we dont? Or at least let me confess why I dont, because sometimes what you find on the bottom is damn scary. It reminds you of your own deep waters that are best left un-disturbed.

This is where Jesus comes in, to shine his great light into the depth of my soul and spirit. I want to be rid of dark and hidden things. I want to live in the light, free of guilt and anger, free of being ashamed. I want to live a joyful life, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirrior and be happy with who is looking back at me. I think thats what we all need to to do. Take a good look at ourselves, before we try to criticize others.

Anyway its been fun. Hope you stop by again.

875331  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-11-16
Written: (4986 days ago)

I look around here on elftown and see so many people who are hurting and broken inside. I see people who hide behind make up and the mystry of darkness, perhaps thusly becoming something mysterious themselves. Maybe then perking your curiosity and then luring you into their lair where everything is just as they see it and thats all that matters. Selling one idea, and getting everyone to buy it. The world is a little less scary when you have someone who agrees with you, even if its a lie.

What if someone who has been there and lived that breaks free? And that someone remembers all the pain that went with every thought that stirred about inside. That once dark mystrious person, would know. Know how it feels, know what thoughts are inside the mind, know how dark and hard the heart is. Know that really... the others are just afraid. But that one would also know...the way out. How to escape! How to be free! Know how to live the life thats been wretched from their grips, giving them a sence that all is hopless and pointless. All is nothing and nothing is all.

But it isnt! Because thats all been a lie that one may have just come into agreement with! Reinforced by others that too spoke the same lie! Oh and how great for the one who realizes this! Who can set people free! Speak life back into people, people who have had is sucked out of them since birth.

You want to know me? Now you should. I was once as anyone else was. Jaded, believing lies, full of darkness in a world that isnt made to last. So what was the point I used to think? Might as well live it up, party and get laid! After all that though, in the end, when the money was gone and the girls were hurt. What was left? Who was I? Where was this going? Why wasnt the empty gone? Had I been lied to? That this is what makes life fun and livable? Yes,I had bought a lie sold to me in movies, in magazines, by my friends and by society. All it cost me was my soul, my mind, my heart,my life.

I thought there was no retrieving what I had lost, again though, that was another lie I had to see through. Luckly I found the redeeming key to unlock the secrete of life, and how to regain and live my life. How to regain my soul, mind, and heart. Ever since I've been peicing all the broken pieces that I never thouht would fit back together, together again. Im repairing me, my life and everything in it, one little piece at a time. The trick is, just finding the pieces by remembering how it all broke in the frist place. Then with patients, with persistance, and in time, all will come together, better than it's ever been.

782206  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-04-23
Written: (5193 days ago)

A powerful poem by me... so im told. Enjoy

I walked a white little line
set against a stark black backdrop.
Old smiling faces
of what was once all I knew,

The other side neared
as I continued to ignorantly wander.
a little tinge in my heart told me better,
as my mind laughed.

I fallowed three stalkers of destruction,
that stood against the greater good
of all that was true love.

I rode a bus that must of been straight from hell.
Demons sat en-crouched around me.
They spoke of coke and cock sucking.
I caught one's eye,
he was no more than 15.
Large empty eyes,
black and frightened
searched my soul and then went dead.

The leader sat hunched over and mentioned
yet again that he would suck some ones cock.
His friend with the dirty,
acne ridden face replied with a chuckle.
A knife scar made
his mouth seem like it was stretched from ear to ear.
I wondered if I was the only one who witnessed
these three lost and dirtied souls
dying beside me.

Those whom I would like to call friends sat in silence.
One read a book,
the other listened to the apocalypse
and my dear sweet brother
painted a swastika on the window.

We came upon a spot
on which hells gate seemed to open.
Pure darkness of the night sky
seemed to swallow us up.

From bus to train
we flashed our tickets one more time,
and I thought
"it only cost me my soul"

We at last neared the the final stretch.
A long wide road led the way to our resting place.
As my eyes adjusted to the grisly scenery
a voice whispered,
"the path to destruction is wide"
I did my best to lie to my faltering heart.

Eventually we wandered into the abyss in which we would rest.
We lowered ourselves down into the jaws of death.
I did my best to make myself comfortable.
A challenge to do amongst the screams of evil souls.

My heart again pleaded with my mind.
My mind knifed my heart and told it to sleep.
Yet even in the end my mind too became afraid
as the smoke spoke of how my life was a lie.

Be dammed those demons who play their head games.
My spirit cowered in the corner and cried for daddy.
My soul sat satisfied,
licking up the vomit of yesterday.

When day broke I was regurgitated.
I parted ways with the true false reality.
Numb and cold I shivered as I prayed.
Disobedience sat heavy on my shoulders.
I wondered why I even bothered to pray,
My soul still sat slurping at puddles of puke.

Melodies of sorrowful times tainted my my spirit.
My heart broke and I held back the tears.
Just a little while till home before I can start crying.
I distracted myself with the gray world fleeting by.

The coldness of my fellow man could not be ignored.
We were all so close yet galaxies apart.
All closed and shut up in our little safe worlds.
Afraid to smile,
afraid to say hi,
afraid to love.

From train to bus,
I inched closer to heaven.
I was now a sardine for sale in a tube.
I shuffled down as far as I could go,
I stood stiff,
inhaling the stench of rotting souls.

To my left a young girl reached for me.
A lady grabbed her hand and rested it in her lap.
I wondered for a second what was the matter.
I looked to see a bright faced girl smiling at me.
She squawked excitedly and reached for my hand.
I smiled and shook her soft, pale hand.

She excitedly began to make gestures.
I looked into her eyes with a loss for words.
I could see the urge to communities in her longing soul.
I looked away and did my best to ignore her.

She insisted on tugging on my arm
and shaking my hand yet again.
She then looked around too see if anyone else
would shake her little loving hand.

People looked at her awkwardly and shifted away.
One man was kind enough to smile
but still backed away.
I again looked at her,
then let her shake my hand a third time.

I couldn't belive how happy this made her.
Every time we connected with a "hello"
she made hand signs at her aid who smiled.
At last I had to turn to her friend and ask her
"what is her name?"
"Her name is Kate."
she replied.
"She has a beautiful spirit."
I said back.

I continued on in silence after that.
I thought to myself how I wished more people
were like this little girl.
So full of life and joy,
so full of love
So willing to connect and simply say hi,
So eager to see someone just greet her with a smile.

I would have asked her a question if I were
not struggling to climb out of the pit of hell.
If I were not so bleak and plagued by sin.
She made me smile and got me thinking.

I eventually grabbed one of the seats.
Sadly the demons were still lingering.
Two old grey haired men were talking about the girl.
They made cruel comments and swore under their breath.

My heart burned with a hint of rage.
The world is so cold and numb.
They could have everything and anything.
But they would take it all for granted.
They would piss on it,
then demand more
and still not even do so little as smile.

The coldness of my isolation burning me,
I was reminded of my own numb heart.
I realize all what I've been taking for granted.
I am perfectly well off and free of those old chains.
Yet I willing rested my soul in Satan's hands.
then hung my head low in self pity and misery

I looked back over at Kate and notice she was looking at me.
I smiled and she smiled back.
I couldn't help but watch her.
She smiled brightly as she talked with her hands.

If only the rest of the world could see her heart.
If only they knew the pure,
clean spirit within.
It makes me cry to think they could be so blind.

I praise you God I am no longer blind.
I praise you God that I can see this sweet girl
and her purpose in life despite her condition.
Thank you God for this one free soul
placed in the midst of a cold crowded world.
Thank you God for Kate who simply shook my hand
and blessed me with the love of Jesus Christ.

781853  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-04-22
Written: (5193 days ago)

Well here I sit with the music of my old life playing. As each song comes on the memories linked to those songs play in my mind and thusly I become as a music video.

Pain and hurt are first and formost noticable. But thats not all that comes to the surface anymore. There is hope in there, there is light now and not so much darkness. God is on my mind, and alas so is my sin. My SIN that plagues me and guilts me with this new life.

Alas though that is the betterment of myself... as so it is when I fall and forget. I am a CHRISTIAN now. No longer that numb morbid, hardcore Goth.

I sit here alone. Wondering. Pondering. Thinking. Im worried about my brother actually. I dont know where he is and he just kinda dispeared when I was napping, recovering from last nights drinking. (My sin)

Kinda wish i was in town. Flirting with some girl. Or doing something half interetsing. Hell, If i repented and prayed, I could be leading someone to Jesus.

Fuck that dismal shit. That lame dismal meaningless teenaged bullshit. Im 20 years old. Lets act like it. Lets show the f-ing world.

739074  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-01-26
Written: (5279 days ago)

Shivers run down my head as if a yoke were broken over it.
I feel the music pusling in my skin as God speaks to my heart. Yes, this is a wonderful, undescribable feeling. At last life is good, all is well and im on my way with my talents. Im no longer my own enemy, im no longer miserable. Figures... I found it all in the last place I looked, with the one I last expected to go to... God, and his kingdom.

Well I started acustic guitair lessons again. I learnt the lion sleeps tonight already. I want to learn sweet home alabama. Its just a simple, cool sounding song. Yeah, im still writing, which ill have to put up soon.... Hmmm maybe I should spend some cash and get some new works up in here, update my house and all that. Ive been workin hard on my bass as well, relearning the basics and teaching myself better technique. In a couple years I should be putting my own songs together, who knows maybe sooner. I do know this though. If I had only stuck with it all when I first started when I was 13, everything would be different now thats for sure. Perhaps though that is why it was the way it was. Maybe my destiny would have been different and i may have not come to God. Everything is for a reason and thusly I have no reason to look back, to regret or think of where I could be now. Simply focus on now, live today for what its worth and let tomorrow worry about its self. Yeap, one day at a time, walking with God through life. Thats how its done, thats how goals are met and dreams are made reality. Praise God and Jesus. 

Well, ive been dreaming of you, I supose ill call you soon and check in on you... See how your doing... Even though the last time I wrote, it was about you and well... theres the reaction and what not... any way... moving on and outward... peace. and Godbless.

723779  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-12-30
Written: (5306 days ago)
Next in thread: 725247

Allow me to indulge in this Korn song. Such a sweet melodic sound of misery and angst. Perfect. Thats what I feel now. Sin away Christin Warrior, let them all see that you too are still a mere human struggling with it all. 

And then that thought "Why do I do this"
And the reply, "Because you know better and have been called."

A battle.

Another thought: upon examing the above (looks up) I see that old familair me, that morbid mind. That, dramatic, moody, broody me... Something only a female brings out in me

and damn it! It be her! The one! HER OF ALL OF THEM!
Rose in my hand as a means to rebuild the bridge, but no. She insisted on throwing fuel onto the bridge and then she, herself struck the match and gleefully flung it onto the brittle wood. We both watched it burn, and in the end, through the haze of smoke, SHE POINTED THE FINGER AT ME, AND SAID,"this is your doing, its your fault, just like it was then."

She clings to the past hurts, the pain and anger. She is afraid i know, she even admited it. But still how is it then that i am the acused of being the one who clings to the past? I want to REBUILD ANEW. A new friendship, not looking at the past! thats not clining to her or the past! Its starting over. Yet somehow, its me who hasnt goten over it? OH I GET IT! ITS NOT I WHO HAS DECIDED TO REMAIN HEART BROKEN, BITTER AND ANGERY! ITS NOT I WHO DECIDED TO JUST PRETEND LIKE IT ALL DIDNT HAPPEN, ITS NOT I WHO JUST WANTED TO FORGET IT, MOVE ON. NO BIGGIE!

But it was I, who went out of my way, used my time, to show her something so delicate and beautiful. Oh and did she ever notice, but only to watch even closer. Watch for me to slip up! The slightest little thing to set her off, and she'd throw it all away as if it were nothing. Well damn her and her magnifyiing glass of horrors. Because she found the crack in it all and tore it wide open. She shoved a tonn of dynamite in and blew it apart. Now here it all is, a broken little mess. Just as she wants it.

Toothpick anybody? this is all that remains.

But Ron wait... Mr WARRIOR (oh great hes mocking himself and talking in thrid person) you dont give up so easy do you? You dont let it just slip do you? You wont let the poision seep into your soul that easy will you?

NO I WONT, SWORD OF TRUTH IN HAND I RISE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! I will do so becase they ARE BLIND the are IGNORANT. They dont know better and faith comes by hearing. Yeah sometimes I think they are deaf but I can speak REALLY LOUDLY. I do it because I care, I do it because I want to see all my friends and family - even enemies - even HER. in heaven one day.

I do it not for glory! Not to build me up! Not to steal the spotlight! Simply because it needs to be done! How else to change this world?! How else to afffect the minds of millions of youth? TAKE A STAND AND FIGHT SWORD IN HAND! subjecting myself to hate, hurt, misjudgment, lies and cruality. Beacuse someone needs to do it, someone needs to show what it is all really about. Someone needs to be real enough, humble enough... strong enough to put aside ones life and advance the kingdom of God. Yes. Thats why I do it. For God, because he called me... Because im his warrior... and so shall it remain...

Time to rebuild yet again. Ill start with this toothpick.

722006  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-12-27
Written: (5309 days ago)

The most amazing Christmas I've ever had. Mind blowing, fun, Jesus filled. Right on, right on!

721048  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-12-24
Written: (5312 days ago)

I want to share something with all of you, something that will challenge you. Christian, or not, what ever background you have. It is something to really think about. What I want to sare with you is best conveyed in these lyrics for a song called: Three wooden crosses. Well read these lyrics, maybe they will speak to your heart regardless of background, faith or race. Then read on to find out what my message is to you.

Three Wooden Crosses

A farmer and a teacher, a hooker and a preacher,
Ridin' on a midnight bus bound for Mexico.
One's headed for vacation, one for higher education,
And two of them were searchin' for lost souls.
That driver never ever saw the stop sign.
An' eighteen wheelers can't stop on a dime.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That farmer left a harvest, a home and eighty acres,
The faith an' love for growin' things in his young son's heart.
An' that teacher left her wisdom in the minds of lots of children:
Did her best to give 'em all a better start.
An' that preacher whispered: "Can't you see the Promised Land?"
As he laid his blood-stained bible in that hooker's hand.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That's the story that our preacher told last Sunday.
As he held that blood-stained bible up,
For all of us to see.
He said: "Bless the farmer, and the teacher, an' the preacher;
Who gave this Bible to my mamma,
Who read it to me."

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, now I guess we know.
It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

Maybe you got the idea, if not here it is. When you die what will you leave behind? What legacy? What are people going to remember you for? Is it being dark and bitter, self centered? Only caring about money or ones own personal gain? Sure some of us will leave behind books and songs, poetry and memories with friends and family. But when all those pages of writing have faded, when all the family and friends are dead. What have you left behind that can be passed on and on and on? What will you have put into this world, NO! what have you put into PEOPLE that will always be carried on? You see, buisnesses change as the next big idea comes along. Rock stars eventually fade out of style and usually end with some depressing stroy. Literature is great untel the times change, same as with stuctures one may have build. Again I ask you, what have you put into people that will always last? How will you be remembered? If you died tomorrow, what legacy have you left behind?

I promise you this, love is something for which one will always be rememberd, and love is best spelt T.I.M.E. Time, time spent with people you love. Sharing your life, as you put yourself aside. Learning, growing, and loving people is what will build a legacy like non other. How do you love beyond yourself? Ask Jesus into your heart.

720322  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-12-23
Written: (5313 days ago)

Dont blink or you may miss what I meant.
Dont think or you will twist what I said.

The meaning behind me will help you see.
Im a methaphore callenging you to think.

Lifes not about the initial apearance.
Rather deeper, whats beneath the surface?

I dont care about your mind and what its selling.
Rather I'm looking at your heart and why it's rebelling.

No I wont buy that initial glance that decieves.
Im interested in the reasonings of your heart.

Go ahead and spit on me and the truth of wisdom.
For wisdom is shown right in the lives of those who live it.

So I see you have it all figured out.
So Ill stand back and patiently wait.

When your broken, lost and so afraid to live life.
You will be reminded of the one who spoke so profound.

That one thing that was spoken, sticking to you.
No matter what you cant seem to shake it off.

So now your understanding maybe a little bit.
Tired of always accepting whats on the surface?

Finally ready to take a peak at the depth of it all?
First, I require for you to leave your mind at the door.

This trek is all about the core of ones being.
The place where charachter is made in truth.

Truth being a reality proven by tried wisdom.
Wisdom that is birthed in the heart and not,
the mind.

713698  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-12-11
Written: (5325 days ago)

logging this now, updating my house...

A brief bit about me and what I've come through. This is a mere taste of my testimony.

I was born into a world of violence and neglect. My mother was 16 when she had me my dad was only 17. My dad peaced out and my mother tried to raise me and my 2 younger bro's till she was 20. I was 4 by then and had suffered by that point every abuse possible. Sexual, mental, physical, verbal and everything else under the sun. Upon going into social services for foster home placement, there was a evaluation done on how "stable" I was as a 4 year old. Needless to say it wasn't good. By age 4 I had developed post traumatic stress disorder...Something war vets get from being in a war. My mind was traumatized from the violence and neglect I had experienced. At the age of 4 I was placed into a foster home that was MUCH WORSE that living with my alcoholic/drug addicted mother who couldn't raise us. More beating ensued, more trauma. We were locked up in a sandbox daily and treated like wild animals. No need to go into detail there. That continued for 4 years until we were adopted by the current family I live with now. They are awesome people and great parents... But needless to say they were not professionals and had their shortcomings as well. Fast forward 8 years and im 16. A mid ranged teen who cant deal with rejection because of his mother. An outcast and quiet human. At this point I was well into a severe depression and was deep into suicidal tendancies. I was an insomniac, had 2 different stays in 2 different pshycwards. And was a schtizo, constantly hallucinating and talking to the other personality that had manifested after all those years of abuse. All the while I drank, popped pills and smoked an unmeasurable amount of pot. Well, these parents proved to be strong and caring and saw me through that hard time... 2 years later I take off to the city after getting through grade 12. Now im free and think I can do anything I want. And well I certainly did. (my old journals detail this lifestyle) I OD several times on ecstasy and other drugs. I was off the hook insane on drugs and totally destroying myself yet again. Just in another way. Well once again my life was out of control and I was depressed and ready to kick the bucket. It was shortly after I turned 19 (may 6)that I felt I had NOTHING LEFT TO LOOSE. Only a whole life to regain and finally try and truly live it the right way, as "living it to the fullest" had nearly destroyed me and clearly wasn't working. So that night, stoned, I prayed myself to sleep, and was immediately answered! I cried myself to sleep that night, as God comforted me that my future would now be alright. Since that night...My life has hit a turning point and thusly have been forever changed. Ive experienced deep mental healings. I've found true friends. I've found a loving spiritual mother who is mentoring me as well. I've put back together all the broken pieces that was me. I've had deliverances done to excorsize demons, including that other personality that had manifested. I've had many types of healings since and have learned much in the ways of forgiveness and love. I've been blessed with the gift of tongues and the ability to be a prophet of God. My very hands hold the power of God in them, and thusly is all the proof I need that He is real. But ultimatly the real proof he exists, is the DRAMATIC changes I've experienced and led in my life.

709110  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-12-03
Written: (5333 days ago)
Next in thread: 709154

Why do I attract the other sex now that Christ is in my heart? Go figure God offers morals and standards to ones life to better themselves as a person. Everyone takes notice. Some get jelous and hate, some fall in love and come closer. Only to learn that its a Christlikeness, and that they themselves dont have that. Out of fear or misunderstanding of what and who God is, they back off.

Many simply do not no... and are confused by me.

704871  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-11-26
Written: (5340 days ago)

Somthing I wrote for my friends and general youth.

Dear friends,
The fallowing letter is something from my heart to yours. I pray that it reaches your heart and not just your head. For I know many of you may already be thinking, “what is this crap?” Or “ I don’t want to read this all!” Well please bare with me and I promise it will be well worth your while. Some of you may not read past these lines, but I pray that at least some of you do. Those with intelligence enough to think and comprehend, which I believe is every last one of you, please read on. I will speak a bit on my own testimony, recent events and how it all applies to you. In this fallowing letter, there may be something that speaks to you, and very well could change your life one day, if you let it.

I am not doing this to get liked by you, to impress you, to make myself some public known figure. No, I am doing this out of a love for you, and God. I am doing this because I believe I have something to offer you, than many of you do not have. And no, it’s not JUST God, but rather a number of things. As I speak of my own experiences, please don’t assume that this is some public cry for sympathy. Rather see deeper and understand this is about where I was, and where I am now, and how this all happened. I will be making my self-vulnerable to you, as I share in humility my own experiences and testimonies.

To share in humility means to do something without pride, to let the pride go and to be humble. To open up for a greater cause, that being you, and not for my own desires or will. I do this to reach out and help, offer understanding to you. And again, I can almost here those thoughts “well what if I don’t need or want your help!” Well that very well may be, but will it honestly kill you to be humble with me and just read on? I highly doubt it, so lets get this started.

I’m going to start with a bit of my background to give you some understanding of my life growing up. Perhaps you will see yourself in some of these situations, and thusly maybe we will have something in common. A base on which we can build a mutual understanding around. So here we go.

My Past
I was born into a world of neglect and violence, my mother was 16 and my dad just 17. So needless to say, they knew nothing about how to raise kids, as they were kids themselves. My birthparents were drug addicts and drinkers. They were more concerned with getting drunk or high rather than looking after my younger brothers and me. Well eventually my dad took off and left my two younger brothers and me with my mom.
My mom tried raising us till she was about 20; about that time the booze and drugs really started getting to her. She had a nervous break down and social services got involved. I was placed in numerous homes before finally getting placed in a foster home, where I lived for four years. Funny how they figured this was a better home for us. While we were there, more abused ensued. They treated us like animals, locking us in a sandbox, not feeding us enough, and always punishing us harshly. This only screwed us up more.

At the time we were seeing therapists, they evaluated the damage done to us from neglect and abuse. Well at age 4, my brothers were younger; they diagnosed us with posttraumatic stress disorder. Something war vets suffer from, having experienced trauma in war. Fast forward 4 years and now I’m 8, a family has taken interest in adopting us all. Which is incredibly rare for the fact that we were three older boys who were poorly raised. (Most people like the little babies when they adopt.) Well these parents were different as they were kind and generous. They loved us properly and treated us right. Well even so, the damage had been done. I, being the oldest, was the most messed up from it all. By now, at this point my emotions had shut off
and I did not trust anyone. Well these parents did their best, but needless to say I was beyond their help to get the healing I needed in my life.

Fast-forward 8 years and now I’m a 16-year-old teenager. I’m doing drugs and trying to fit in, trying desperately to find out who I am and where I belong. The rejection by my birth mother played on me at every turn; every time I got into a relationship I got crushed when I was dumped. This only played on me more and soon I was worse than ever before. I suffered from a severe depression, suicidal tendencies, insomnia and slight schizophrenia. Constantly angered, and very easily, I began cutting myself. This got to the point where one night I nearly lost my life from blood loss. My dad caught me as I was going into shock and passing out, he dialed 911 and paramedics showed up. They began to asses me and as they did, they concluded that I needed oxygen to re-oxygenate my blood and get the blood count back up in me. I refused, and then they hauled me out to the hospital. I was stitched up and from there sent to a psyche –ward. This happened twice. Both times, they assessed and concluded that I had lost enough blood to die. Yet there I was, alive and not so well, but alive. (First time I started to think there must be a higher power looking after me) Well as my parents stuck close to me and still continued to love me, I got through that tough time. But even so my head wasn’t at all stable, and I still fought with depression and negative thoughts. (This resulted in the gothic period of my life.)

I Found God In Edmonton
Jump another 2 years and now I’m 18, I managed to finish grade 12 and was looking for the next step in life. I wanted to get away from home and live as an adult, independent and free. So I moved to Edmonton, where I met the wrong crowds and got into worse drugs. I got so into drugs and dealing, my life began to fall apart again. It resulted in another depression and a longing for something better. I began to realize I couldn’t live my life like that; it just wasn’t worth it. I began to think “there’s has to be more to life than drugs, drinking and getting laid”. I realized that I really felt alone, even amongst all my “buddies and friends”. As I began to realize, anybody would be your friend, if you have something for him or her, I knew what I really wanted. And that was to be loved, for who I am, and not what I have to offer.

Life got worse from there. Eventually my one roommate, whom I had grown close to, and I, kicked out our other 2 roommates. We had devised a plan for ourselves and were looking out for just us, and we really didn’t care about them. Well things have a funny way of working out; soon I learnt that my buddy was going his own way as well. Leaving me totally deserted and screwed. I had a low paying job, and couldn’t afford the rent on my own. I had about a month to figure out what to do. I called up my other roommates and asked them to come back, but they were bitter and wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t trust any of my other “friends” as they were all low lives and couldn’t hold a job for more than a day anyway. Soon my friend moved out and took all his stuff with him. And there I was, alone in an empty apartment, with nothing. All I had was my own clothes to sleep on. He owned everything else and took it all with him. I had no time to really do anything, as I still had to go to work everyday. Well I began to panic as reality began to hit me even harder, as I had nothing to hide in anymore. There was no more T.V, no more video games, and no more computers. Worst of all, there was no more drugs. I had nothing to take me away from all my pain, anger and fear. Absolutely nothing.

I began to think lots about who I was and nothing came to mind, nothing worthwhile anyway. I thought about my future, and how it would be if I kept on like this. I saw a big, fat, nothing. Sure I was somebody, but amongst the nobodies. I had good drug hook ups and sold at more than fair prices. And thusly all I was
was a person who sold death. The biggest somebody, sure, but amongst the nobodies, thusly I was the biggest nobody. When everybody you know is a nobody, what good are they? So no one could help me either.

One night, after work, I smoked the last of my drugs and went to bed, all my problems swirling were staring me in the face. As my mind screamed in panic, I broke inside, and began to cry. I wanted more with my life, I knew deep inside what I was capable of. I thought of all I had come through only to put myself into a state like this. I wanted a change. I was ready for a change. I wanted a new chapter in my life. I had turned 19 a few days earlier (it was a horrible birthday) I thought about how I was an adult now. I had been an “adult” for a year. Well why wasn’t I acting like it? Why didn’t I feel like it? I thought about how I was, caught up in myself, acting like an immature 13 year old, thinking getting high and getting laid is what life was all about. I began to really break down, telling myself in my mind over and over, “its time for a change, its time for a new chapter, its time. Time to leave this all behind, time to quit drugs. Time to be a somebody. Time to live life. Time to experience life. Time to find love and real friends. It’s time to get over myself.

I began to wonder how I could do this, what step must be taken? How am I going to change and get away from it all? Suddenly something I thought I’d never do occurred to me. Pray. So I began to pray and this is what I prayed. “God, I don’t know if your there, I don’t even really believe in you. But if your there and if you can honestly help me with my problems please help me. In turn if you help me, I will have faith to live my life for you.” I began to think about how I had nothing to lose by praying, rather I had a whole life to regain and live. Suddenly I felt moved to repent “ God, I’m so sorry for my actions and hate towards you, please forgive me, please help me. I need your help.” Is what I managed to spill out in-between huge sobs. Suddenly something happened inside of me. Something changed. I could feel it come over my entire body.
Then there was a voice in my head, “it’s okay son, I forgive you, everything will be okay from now on” I felt a peace and a comfort. I felt a presence like I never experienced before. I felt God. My already insane amount of crying became a hysterical sob. I could hardly breathe as this life changing experience over took me… And that’s how all this, even what I am doing now, began.

From that point on, everything just “happened” things just started to go perfectly. Everything was fine, I had a peace and I new something was different about me. Every day I was thinking about God, and eventually I started to think I had gone nuts! Me of all people! Thinking about God! I could not deny what I was feeling or what was happening around me. My brother showed up and lent me 100 bucks out of the blue! The dude was a thief and owes me tons of money and never EVER came around, but there he was when I needed it! People started calling me like, asking me if I needed roommate, as they had heard about what happened. I wasn’t doing anything to make any of this happen! I was just going to work, that’s all I had time for! The Domo I worked at was understaffed and I was working 8-10 days on in a row! Supernaturally everything just came together.

Now I am living with a kind Christian couple. I work with the husband in his stucco wiring company, making 11 dollars an hour. The wife mentors me and teaches, and grows me. They love me like their own son, as they have never had their own kids. So they are a blessing to me as I am to them. I am meeting new friends, and experiencing life. I am learning to love and to be a better person I have been through huge amounts of healing, mentally and emotionally. Best of all, at last, I’m a somebody. I am a friend to the friendless. I’m a son to two families. I am an important part of my church. I am a hard worker and a talented, smart writer. I am a guy with a heart full of love, who isn’t afraid of what people think anymore.
I’ve put the old me behind me, I’m not a dark gothic pothead, or a drug dealer. I’m not just an angry fighter who bullies people. I’m not some insane person who only cares about drugs, girls and living it up and fitting in.

Well I could go on forever, as there is much left to this story, but that can all be revealed at another time.
This is a brief bit of my testimony; this is how I met God and why I changed. This is how all of this “Christian stuff” got started with me. Why did I share this? So you can see for yourself what life was like before, for me. So you can see my life and perhaps it relates in some parts to your life. So you can see that something really has changed me. That my life now is a choice I made, based on a tiny, TINY bit of faith that I mustered together when nothing and no one was left around to help. So you can understand that this just wasn’t me and my own will that brought people to me, that changed me. Rather so you can see how it was God and God alone who changed me, and brought this together the way it is now. I just had to have faith and trust him with what he was doing.

Moving on, and I pray that you are still with me and not judging and assuming a load of twisted thoughts on me by this point. But if you are, I will not hold it against you, as it is human nature. Well much has happened since I prayed that prayer. That was back in may. It’s been about 6 months now and I have experienced much since then. I have come along way for a young Christian, and very quickly. Although that sounds like it was easy, it hasn’t been. I’ve struggled with so many things, and have to fight daily to keep going on. That’s what this next part is about, struggles with faith and choices in times of struggle and temptations.

Everyday it’s a battle to make the right choices, to take the last lesson learned and apply it to my life.
It’s a challenge to always speak with wisdom and keep calm when some ignorant moron is calling me down.
It’s a challenge to wrap my mind around some concepts, no I do not just immediately accept any concept my Pastor or mentor teaches me. I struggle with accepting a lot of things as truth and as a reality. With all these struggles it can seem impossible and get tiring after awhile. Especially when I don’t ask the big man upstairs for his help and his wisdom on it. So certain days I really do find myself not giving a single care in the world. In these moments I stumble, and fall, as I am not perfect, but still a human. BIG SHOCK! Just because I’m a Christian now, is not to say I’m no longer human. I’m not some super human or a perfect being. I’m far from it, and I mess up a lot, despite the fact that I am a fast learner and grow quickly.
So speaking of struggles and falling and what not, lets look at some recent actions of mine.

I came up with high hopes to Athabasca, to speak about God and life with teens. To share my experiences and a love for people who need it. Well things didn’t go as I planned, and well it shouldn’t go as I plan for God always has a better plan. Well anyway, I got discouraged as I was met with skepticism, ridicule and mockery. I felt awkward trying to talk to people my age about God. It just seemed like there were no open

windows and no one was open to receive and listen. Everyone just wanted to argue my points, even try to come up with a different explanation as to what I felt. As if they themselves were so wise and knew exactly what I felt and experienced. Feeling a sense of loss, as if I had wasted my time, I began to question what my trip home was about. I noticed I wasn’t being used by God how I thought I would be. Well I let it get to me and slipped further into discouragement.

I was still coming into town with my brother Wayne, to visit and hang out. I had no intention of speaking to people about God; I put him on the back burner and was in my own will and doing my own thing. So any way one night I’m at somebody’s place, and everybody seems fairly high or buzzed off a few beer. My own brother is significantly wrecked. I was offered a beer and gladly took it and chugged it back. What happened that caused me to let down my guard? I began to reason with my mind against my heart and spirit. “It’s just a beer, it’s not like its illegal and I am of age, just one beer can’t hurt”

Well one led to two and naturally, not having drank for a long time, I was buzzed. So my inhibitions were lowered even more then, I begin to get comfortable with this in my mind. Well before I knew it, I had agreed to smoke a bowl and just get wrecked. I was just going with the flow, as it seemed so easy. That night wasn’t the last night I smoked a hoot, the next morning and that night as well. Well by the next day my conscience was screaming at me,” WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU’RE WRECKING EVERYTHING! NOT ONLY HAVE YOU NOT TALKED ABOUT GOD, BUT YOUR GIVING INTO THEIR WAYS AGAIN! SMARTEN UP BEFORE YOU WRECK IT ALL.” I knew very well that was true and I was well aware of the possible out come and affect this would have on people. Well, the ones who had been watching me closely anyway. I knew it didn’t look good and I just made myself look like a hypocrite. Not to mention I just discouraged myself even more and made myself feel worse about the whole trip. Well finally I decided to snap out of my funk and ask God for his input and why I felt like things weren’t going so good.

I realized that God new all along I was going to screw up, and that he must still have a plan as how to bring everything together for good. I repented, as I walked and talked with God. I cried and vented, and screamed. I spouted something like this, “ God I really want to bring you to these people! I really want to work for you and do your will! I want to fix what I’ve done and salvage this trip! I need an idea, I need help, I need direction! Please use all my mistakes for good!” Well when I did that, this is where I got this letter idea from, and hence why I am doing this. Not only did I get the idea to write this letter, but what to say and put in it. And with that, comes the next part.

Getting Back Up And Moving Ahead
Growing is a process that usually involves making mistakes, getting back up and going on. Growing is a struggle that involves tough choices and making the right choice after a bad one. Many of you saw the struggle in my actions, and have now gotten an idea perhaps that I am giving up, or am not taking it all as serious. But know this, with every struggle I come through, ever time I fall down; I get back up more determined and more serious than before. What am I so set on doing? What am I doing my best to take seriously? It is this walk of faith that I am on, and to share it with others. As we all have problems, worries, fears and pains from past hurts. I am determined to be a real friend, and a trustworthy person. I want to be
a person who is righteous and not self-righteous, a person who speaks truth and wisdom. I am a person who cares very much about you, and your life. No, to do this, I wont always have to speak about God! But should God tap me on the shoulder and tell me something about you, I will share it with you and reveal to you what he wants me to speak to you.

Growing is not an easy thing at all; weather its growing up or just growing out of something. Growing in God is the toughest challenge I’ve faced yet in my life. As I’m learning that growing with God means several things. Growing means testing things I don’t trust and finding it to be a truth myself rather than just immediately and blindly accepting it. As some people have said I have done this. Everything I preach is something I once struggled to believe then tested and then found it to be a truth. I do not do this on my own,

for God is the one who reveals it to me as a truth in time, as I live my day-to-day life. No, I just don’t believe everything like a good little student, I struggle with many ideas and concepts till it is proven true to me, usually through some supernatural experience. I have had many supernatural experiences and there will be many more. I would also love to share these super natural experiences with you, as they may be the seeds that one-day sprout in your life, and lead you to a relationship with God.

Bringing It All Together
Well it’s time to wrap this up and bring this all together. I shared my past as to give you a feel for the misery and pain I once lived with. To show you why I once hated God, as I blamed him for everything. Why I did not believe and had no faith in a higher power. I know many of you think like that. Bringing me to my next point, I hope to have related to you in some instance. And if so, then perhaps we can be better friends and be real with each other, opposed to always wearing a false face and pretending everything is cool I hope to create a basis on which you can confide in me. Also trust me, and open up to me, as we all need understanding and some one to listen to us from time to time. I am willing to be that person, who will listen whole-heartedly, and not just shrug your problems off as something small. Nor will I just say “oh get over it life goes on.”

I shared how I met God, so you can understand that when nothing and no one is left, God is there, waiting and listening. He is ready to help you, even now as you read this. I shared it to show you the reality of some situations in life and how everything can just fall apart. For those moments when it all falls apart, there is reason to it, and hope and faith can be found in those moments. I shared it to show you that when you are truly ready for something different, when your truly sick of the way you handle things, God can help. You just have to ask, and honestly want help. But it also requires one to swallow his/her pride and get over them selves. I shared it for the fact that one day you more than likely will face a crisis day like that, and when you do, you now know what you can do.

I spoke of my struggle and my recent pot smoking, to show you that God is not some controlling, mean, ogre who will condemn you to hell for messing up. He loves us so much, he is willing to forgive us, and help us back up and give us strength to go on. This is not to say, “oh sure ill just do what ever I want now and then one day ask God to forgive me and be like hey its all cool now I’m going to heaven!” No, he requires a true repentance of us. I shared it to show you that I have free will, as we all do. No, it didn’t please God in those moments, but God still used it for good. Again this is not saying he caused me to smoke pot, it was a choice I made. I am truly sorry for having smoked up and having ignored God. As I’m sure he had a much better plan at hand. I spoke of these struggles to show you that being a Christian is NOT easy, and that Christians are NOT weak, but rather extremely determined and strong people. (True Christians

anyway) Christians, however, do experience moments of weakness and temptation and should not always expected to be perfect beings. Nor should anyone have ever labeled me as trying to be perfect, rather I am just trying to better myself, as I know I will never be perfect. Struggling shows that, I’m trying to leave that life behind.

How Does It Apply To You?
Finally the last little bit, how does this all apply to you? I have left some explanations here and there but to wrap it all up and make it simple, here we go. Life is a struggle, it’s hard, and we’ve all experienced pain and hurt in someway or form. I can and am willing to relate with you on that. Our own will can often lead us to more hurt and pain, long after we’ve escaped people who hurt us. We can be our own worst enemies at times. I know each one of you have been hurt in certain ways, abandoned in some ways, hurt even your own self in some ways and thusly don’t even trust yourself. God can help you through ANYTHING, if you let him and give him a chance and some room to work in your life. He can bring great healing, love, and understanding to you. As humans, we all want love, acceptance, and understanding. That way we are able to experience happiness.

No, the Christian life is not peachy-keen easy it is a challenge. It challenges you to grow, to heal you; to help you be a better person, to help others, to just try to live life a fuller and more meaningful way. It is a challenge to find and keep faith, to grow in faith and to make the right choices based on faith. One wont always make the right choice, but if one is willing to pick themselves back up and keep going, God will be right there with them. Lastly, God uses all things, I repeat, ALL THINGS together for good. God uses ones mistakes to reveal him self through it, to show himself as a faithful father. Even when we mess up, he helps us deal with the problem and is able to create good out of it.

Now the most important message of this whole letter: Everything you’ve ever suffered through, serves a greater purpose. It was all not in vain; there was reason to it. One just needs to ask God what purpose it can serve, and realize also that it was not God who caused it. As there is an opposite of God. God loves you dearly, more than you will ever be able to understand. He’s been with you through it all; he’s watched you get hurt. He’s watched you cry and cried with you when you were hurt. He did not wish for it to happen, but people these days have lost touch with their conscience and have given into temptations to hurt. He wishes to heal you, make you whole, and give you all your dreams and desires. He knows where you belong and why you were created. He has hopes and dreams for you; he has a whole future for you. Aren’t you just a little curious as to what it could be? Perhaps you’re meant to change the world? Are you sick and tired of asking questions and not getting answers? Feel like there’s so much more to life than what people have made it out to be? Well now you know where to look and who to ask, and I promise. I PROMISE, on my LIFE, you will not be let down, or disappointed.

Thank you for your time and patients. Just a few last questions for you to ponder about. Aren’t you getting sick of drugs and drinking yet? Are you getting tired of fake, shut off, people? Are you looking for a real friend? Not just someone to get high with, or simply to waste time with? When will it be time to “grow up” and stop all this teenager crap of trying to fit and be cool. When will you realize that there is so much more to life than running with the in crowd? When will you realize that if you don’t choose to change your life now, you might never change? Take a good look at your friends, because believe it or not, that’s currently you. Where do you see them going? Because if you are influenced and fallow them, that’s where you are

going. Ready to be an individual and find out who YOU are? Opposed to just losing yourself into the crowed? Well, it’s all up to you and it’s just a matter of choices. Change is within arms reach; you just need to reach and cry out with a tiny bit of faith.

God bless you,
A true and loving friend,
~Ron Bergquist.
November 25, 2005

703561  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-11-23
Written: (5343 days ago)

Well this past while i've been at home visiting. Ive been here for a week now. Treading through eye level bullshit, helping people, bringing God to people. Taking bullets in all shapes and sizes in all places. Only to find myself crawling along the dirt with a joint in my mounth and a beer in my hand. Only to realize that I gave that up because I found a better picker-upper. God. Running to God, I broke once again, crying my fears and worries out. He patched up the bullet wholes and then gave me a bullet proof vest. Well here I stand STILL READY TO FIGHT! Still willing to go to war. This spiritual war is far from over and I will fight ever last demon my mind holds captive. I will destroy the old man, one day at a time. And step fully into the light and claim my place as I fullfill my purpose.

702697  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-11-22
Written: (5344 days ago)

Me emailing a dead buddy... its straght forward... you will get the idea...

hey you poor bastard... Just sending my last regards and respects... Deletig you now... as you are dead. Commited suicide... I find it funny how we both once planned do to that together... but in the end it was you who went through with it all the way... Even though i was worse off... messed in the head.. more lost... i guess in the end you just figured the best way out.... even though people cared... they watched you jump off the bridge and splatter on the rocks below... glad i wasnt there... woulda fucked me right up... idont think any one understood you like i did man.... well any way.... peace out man... Sorry to see you felt that way about your life.... later man.

702564  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-11-22
Written: (5345 days ago)

Well im just frusterated and pissed and the narrowmindedness of some fuckers out there. They acuse and assume some pretty whacked out shit and then labbel me and think thet got me all figured out. when alls theyve done is spoken a book about their own shortcommings. Its pathetic and im getting agravated. Oh well thats what i get for choosing this path i supose.

The next fucker who says christians are weak.. id like to see him try the walk and stand up for the choises that i have to make daily. ANYONE, as much as me or the next guy...will break and fall repeatedly... But alas God is mercy and grace that fogrives, loves and gives us another chance. So.... im picking myself up.. and going to tread on.. up and out of this misery.

702214  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-11-21
Written: (5345 days ago)

I asked masterwolf to enlighten me as to provoke a conversation. To get some insight. But rather he took it as me wanting to learn from him and his teaching. This is what insued:

I have a few things I feel passionately about... and some things I just haven't taken down after a few years.

Are you willing to learn about things that your church considers blasphamy? The Art of the Devil?

Are you willing to learn about things that might shock and hurt you? Things that as little as 100 years ago you could be punished, even killed for knowing? Are you ready for your world to be questioned, bent, even broken?

I am not arrogant without reason. I am a first order thanatoptic magician, an avatar, and a teacher of metaphysics. I instruct, both online and off, and am respected in both worlds. Are you truely ready

*Smirks* theres the amusment I was looking for.

Prior to being saved I was a most effective Satanist. Been there, done that. Wiccanism as well, so a feel for magic. But ive since chosen to liberate my spirit from taints and evils. I enjoyed the feeling of true power and security oh so much more than things that bring death.

My buddy knows all about metaphysics and hes shown some people some pretty, well, twisted and unreal stuff!

I was and even more so respected now in my life.

Thank you for enlightening me and giving me more insight to you than you will ever know.

Funny how presumptious we are as self centerd human beings. All trying to exault ourself with some sort of respect from others... thusly gratifying our lives.

By no means is this to say stop talkin to me, simply look deeper and learn the lesson at hand in this very message. 

MW: I see your message, but I assure you, I have never brought death to any, and rarely use magic, save in emergency... I, too, enjoy the full feeling of pure power, the white light of God in my life. Satanists are fools who find all too soon that their ideas on God and the devil are shallow and hollow, but knowing the Truth of God is beyond most, wouldn't you agree?

You, too, have given me insight into you that you would not believe... you, who believe yourself perfected by the blood of a murdered man, and who worship the very instrument of that murder...

Oh, yes, I hav experiance in the Christian world... I studied it avidly with the Bishop of my parish for a while, he even knowing who and what I was. I do not see myself as superior to you in faith, nor in power, and I was not even discussing religion, but Lyn...

Lyn has been punished for portraying herself as a slut, and for reasons that are between us, I ahve allowed her to keep her wikis up. She is my responsibility, and I have been carefully teaching her to take pride in herself and her works. It is not yours to judge her, nor mine... only to help her improve, to see the devinity within herself and become the child of the Heavens that she can be.

Me: but thats not going to happen by building her up in pride. Your only disollusioning her. Setting her up for a hard fall. Specially if she has the attitude that she IS God.

Dude, I am a REAL christian and by that I mean not that religious PIOUS CRAP. No i dont worship the instraments of his destruction. Pride and beng fake? Jelousy? No I worship love.

But by real I also mean, I'm not ignorant to the spirit realm, never have been. I know fully what is in this world more than the next guy.

The death I spoke of, no not a physicall death because that eventually comes anyway! I was talking about spiritual death. I know you have a spirit, its just weather or notyou want that your SPIRIT to live on. Thats the death that occurs.

I can help lynn in more ways than she thinks, but she needa to swallow her pride and give me a chance to see that i truly do care for her. And that its not God im offering but rather love. Not bf gf love but love as a friend, for the human being she is and her true qualities that God put into her. THAT, my friend, is what could change her life and truly show her what she is.

Other than a slut, or a slut full of pride... Think about it.

 The logged in version 

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