[Nite_Owl]'s diary

1129109  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-01-22
Written: (3163 days ago)

Wow, almost a year since my last entry. Amazing what can happen in that time. And what doesn't.

Well, in regards to my last entry, then...you may be surprised to hear that I waited. I'm surprised. And a little disappointed in myself. A whole year...

I tried to tell myself she wasn't worth it. That I was only hurting myself, giving myself false hopes. It seems, though, that those hopes were not entirely unfounded. Which is uplifting, if a little late in coming.

Here's the problem: is it too late? After all this waiting, for her to finally come to me is the last thing I expected. My eyes are open this time. I'm a little older, a little wiser, and certainly a little less infatuated. But no less in love, I think. On the contrary, I think our "love" has only become stronger. I feel good to be around her, and she wants to be around me. Be with me.

So why am I so terrified to take this chance and run with it?

So much has happened since nameless boy below and another more complicated story have come and gone. I don't want this to be born out of desperation for something, anything like friendship. I want to believe her, and sometimes I do, but my negativity and reason advise I doubt her. But I don't want to. I really want this to work, but maybe it's just too late.

One of the issues is that she still doesn't want to say we're "girlfriends" or "dating" or whatever. She doesn't want a committed relationship (seems to be a running theme in these parts). That's always been the case but I think its now coming out of fear rather than flightiness--her last relationship was brutally passionate, to say the least, and ended up in a lot of literal and figurative pain. Does that make the statement more acceptable?

The second problem is one that I've only just come upon.

I think I might very well be asexual.

This isn't necessarily a "problem" to me so much as it would be a problem in having a relationship with someone who's love is often based on the physical aspects. I hate that something I have no control over might just end up ruining whatever it is we're looking for, struggling for. It seems like it's the only thing in the way of me really feeling like this could work. It wouldn't take long, I think, for her interests to turn elsewhere and I'll be left alone again. Same old story.

I think maybe if I just try it for a while, give it a fair run and see what happens, it won't turn out so bad if things go astray. I feel stronger and more realistic this time, now that her and the whole situation have been clipped down to size. I could handle another let down, even though I know it would ruin my view of her permanently; I'll have seen it coming I guess. It might ruin our friendship. That's probably the worst part.

Right now we're both in limbo, that in between space of unknowing. She loves me, and I know that. And I love her, more than most. It should be right, in a perfect world. But this world isn't perfect, and neither are we. I guess we'll just see what comes of it.

1109383  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2010-02-06
Written: (3513 days ago)
Next in thread: 1109434, 1109530, 1126939

Sooooo...though I feel no one reads these very often, I figure it might be good to put my thoughts somewhere anyways, something I should have done weeks ago.

Some of you might have noticed the little "in love" quip below my last entry. Well the girl I fell for is by far one of the interesting people I've ever had the good fortune of knowing. She's beautiful, and smart, and just a good person--always acting for social justice and all that. Big dreams.

I had never fallen so hard for someone. I mean, HARD. I felt so much more alive and whole when I was with her, like this might actually be the one I was waiting for. In hindsight, I should've known better, should've maybe given myself a little less credit to avoid all the bullshit that happened in its wake.

The love was requited. It should have been a happy story. The problem was, her being her amazing self--she loved others too. She loved people. She loved being free. "Dating" was a just a label that made people not have sex with other people, and sex wasn't love so it shouldn't matter anyways. So we didn't date. She slept with a total of four people (men and women, at least one of them her ex) and told me about all of them, because she's honest too. I didn't mind so much, because of all of them she loved me best, and I knew that and could feel that.

Then that guy came along and ruined everything.

She loved him more than most, and for some reason this man was dateable while I was not. She could be faithful to him in every way that mattered. She said he was sad, and only she could make him happy. He needed her in a more concrete way than I did, so she went with him and left me in limbo with nowhere to turn.

I can't just date anyone, you see. To this day I've only had one romantic relationship, and it lasted almost 4 years. All the lesbians (simultaneously few and many) are being rapidly taken up by each other it seems like, and I'm with the few remaining single stragglers. Unattractive. Alone. Unaccepted. Weird. And still in love with someone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe someday soon she'll reconsider what happened. We're still each others' "best friends", but I need so much more than just that. I'm so lost and just trying to find a way to be happy.

I don't know if I can make myself date someone I'm not really in love with, especially since all possible candidates are friends with me and I don't want to ruin anything with anyone.

I guess I just keep asking myself why I love someone that pulls the kind of shit that she pulled (stories I'll go into if you ask--there are many), and if she's really worth the pain the keeps creeping inside me. Should I wait? Is she even worth the wait? Should I find someone else and pretend I'm alright? Would anyone else even take me? Or should I just learn to live without love, without acceptance, with no one but myself?

I don't know.

I feel so alone lately. She's the only one I can talk to here...and she's not mine. She's someone else's, and I'm just another blank face in a crowd to everyone else but her.

I just want someone I'm allowed to love. That's all.

It's all I ever asked for--all I'd ever need.

1108239  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2010-01-25
Written: (3525 days ago)

At last!!!

It's new! It's

A POEM!

*fanfare n shit*

Yup. After about half a year, I has a new poem. For your viewing convenience, I shall place it here.

Enjoy! :D



Abstruse

Streetlights dancing in the rain.
They are but lifeless candles,
Forms we give functions,
For our lives demand it so.
They shudder and shake
Like breath on the wind,
See without eyes,
Uncare without thought.
We pass them by and ignore them--
Like silent gods,
Like totems,
Casting our shadows
This way and that,
This way and that,
This way and that,
This way--
And then nothing.
A black void.
We look into it,
Hands stuffed in pockets,
Thumbs picking idly at nails,
Feet on a track that will not stop or slow
That just keeps going
And going
And going
And going
And--
We reappear,
Our former selves,
(our reflective selves)
And forget about the umbra of the rain.

We are home.
1100735  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-11-16
Written: (3595 days ago)
Next in thread: 1100812

I think I'm in love...

EDIT: She doesn't love me. But that's okay I suppose...that's two potential life partners down, a possible 5 left in the world :)

1100048  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2009-11-08
Written: (3603 days ago)
Next in thread: 1100069

ATTENTION ALL COMIC FANS!

I'm writing a research paper from my Anthropology class that focuses on the economic recession from the comic fan's point of view. Any age and gender works, but I'd prefer you were from California are at least in the US. I especially need men and older people (anyone over 18 works), since right now the only people I have to work with are 18 year old women heh

Just let me know if you're interested. It's just a pretty simple interview we can do over ET even, or IM. Shouldn't take more than maybe 20 minutes tops.

Help me out!! :D

1095883  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-09-29
Written: (3644 days ago)
Next in thread: 1095893, 1095904

So, I suppose that's it then.

1093049  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-09-03
Written: (3669 days ago)
Next in thread: 1103841

Well, since most of you probably have never seen giant fires coming over the hills, I took me some pictures. The first two are from the day of my party, the second are the day after. All were taken right outside my mum's house.

<img0*350:stuff/z/47856/AV%2520FLAMES/18th%20B-day%20001.JPG>

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1092539  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2009-08-29
Written: (3674 days ago)

Wow. Well, today I'm having a birthday party in the falling ashes and smoke of beautiful Southern California. Oh joy -_-' Will have pictures up of this travesty later probably.

Shit is going down.

1090974  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-08-18
Written: (3685 days ago)

Hey guys! Just letting you all know I'll be leaving on a short trip up to Oregon to visit some family and will be back Sunday night (the 23rd). People in RP's (Cat, Akay, Cap'n, and all the rest), I don't want you to wait up too much, but don't totally leave me in the dust pretty please :3 I'll try to get online at some point during the trip, either near the beginning or end if there's wi-fi in hotels, since I know their house definitely doesn't have internet or cell reception. So...yeah. Don't miss me :P

Owlie--out!

1088772  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2009-08-01
Written: (3702 days ago)

I've been updating my DeviantArt account with photography lately. I only have a few right now, but I'm rather proud of them. Never took myself for a photographer...or a model for that matter....or a nudist XD

http://niteowl9491.deviantart.com/

A few of you are already my buddies there, but in case you're not and are interested in my art or "photography," there ya go. I also post all my poetry there too. I'll start playing around with the medium a bit and see what I can do with it. It'll be a nice change from messy pastels :D

Oh, and Comic-Con was fucking awesome--will put up some photos whenever my computer stops failing.

Peace!

1087646  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-07-21
Written: (3713 days ago)

Hey everyone! As some of you already know, Owlie will be attending Comic-Con in San Diego starting tomorrow (Wednesday) until Sunday. :D Of course, I do indeed plan to dress up, in two costumes in particular, one I've done before, the other made from scratch.

The first will be my Two-Face costume, which I did for Halloween last year, except this time I've improved him a bit. The coat is the same one, but was redone a bit with actual burns and a bit of charcoal for some character. The makeup will also be lass hurried and more realistic this time around, now that I know how to do it:

<img500*0:stuff/aj/47856/1248210986.jpg>

<img500*0:stuff/aj/47856/1248210659.jpg>

The second costume that I'm kinda proud of will be a Cyberpunk cosplay. For those that don't know what cyberpunk is, you might be familiar with it's opposite Steampunk. Essentially, it's what things such as the Matrix and Ghost in the Shell are based on, where computers and wired technology play a huge part in society. I don't have goggles like I wanted (the costume was kinda short notice), but I think I did pretty well with what little I had to work with. The boxy thing at the bottom isn't entirely complete in either picture. It was painted a little more and wires were added that'll be going into my "heart" :D Sounds like fun to me!

<img500*0:stuff/aj/47856/1248210729.jpg>

<img500*0:stuff/aj/47856/1248210769.jpg>

The last costume of sorts is just kind of a silly one I thought of last minute. Thursday I'll be wearing my Star Trek "Expendable" red shirt with a pair of Vulcan ears and slanty eyebrows. Should be fun :D

Anyways, I can't wait, and I'm not sure how often I'll be getting on here. I'll be bringing my laptop and there is supposedly internet around where we are, so we'll see. If I see you guys soon, awesome. If not, I'll talk to you all within the week and tell ya all about it (^,^)

Peace to y'all!

1086107  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-07-09
Written: (3725 days ago)
Next in thread: 1086369

So after many years of procrastination, I've FINALLY created an official list of all the characters I've ever roleplayed with, from Kahanai-de way back when to my current Jack and Charles. I even alphabetized it! All 27 names! :D It was kinda interesting to look through all that old stuff again, if a little tedious. Elftown decided to be odd and spontaneously erase the entire nice neat table I made and I had to start it over (>,<)

~Nite Owl's Cast of Characters~

Tada!!


Anyways, go ahead and look through them if you want. I'll probably be changing things around to make it look nicer, so if you have any ideas on better organization or stuff you'd like to see, let me know (^,^)
1080715  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-05-29
Written: (3766 days ago)
Next in thread: 1080716, 1080719

Today I officially graduated high school, class of 2009, a Valedictorian and a 4 year member of the California Scholarship Federation.

It seemed to go by so fast, I guess. It doesn't feel like an end or a beginning. It doesn't really feel like anything but another summer. Maybe it'll sink in soon.

Everyone says they're proud of me, but I can't see exactly why they're proud. Proud of not being a complete and utter worthless pile of shit? I suppose that's a compliment. I should be proud of being one of the many Valedictorians (which just means I didn't flunk my higher level classes, which are ironically less work than average classes), but I don't really feel that proud about that either.

Hmm. I guess I just haven't quite come to terms with it all. Well, I'll realize it in the middle of summer everything that's happened. In the meantime, congratulations to my fellow graduates here and everywhere :D

1079768  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-05-21
Written: (3774 days ago)

Random quotes from Star Trek: TOS, the greatest show ever.

"You know why you're not afraid to die, Spock? You're more afraid of living. Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peek out. That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine warm decent feeling."
--Dr. Leonard McCoy

"In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that... and perhaps more, only one of each of us."
-- Dr, Leonard McCoy

"You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him, because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word "love" isn't written into your book."
--Dr. Leonard McCoy

"Those of you who have served for long on this vessel have encountered alien life-forms. You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, and irrational fear of the unknown. But there's no such thing as 'the unknown,' only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood."
--Captain James Kirk

1077764  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2009-05-06
Written: (3789 days ago)

"The only thing unbearable in the world is that nothing is unbearable."

1070759  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-03-16
Written: (3841 days ago)

And thus the college acceptance/rejection gamble begins.

I applied to a total of nine colleges this year--six UC's and three CSU's. Luckily I got into all three CSU's, but...

Today I got my first rejection letter from the only UC I thought for sure I'd get in to, which, logically, pretty much rules the rest of them out unless the system is REALLY fucked up (which I suppose is always possible, since my friend the IB-Valedictorian-Eagle Scout didn't get in to CSLO).

*sigh*

Fuck my life.

1041321  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2008-08-14
Written: (4054 days ago)
Next in thread: 1041522

News news news :)

First of all, this past Monday was the first day of school. Basically, this year will be like last year, except a little harder and a little more awesome at the same tome :D I'm taking Spanish 4 AP, IB Biology, IB Mathematics, US Government and Politics AP, English Literature AP, and TAing for my favorite teacher's English class :D Fun fun.

In other news, Owlie was published in another book :D A poetry book, of course. I even made the first page of the book, which is kinda awesome hehehe But I'm excited about it (^,^)

In less happy news, my cat Pancho has diabetes apparently :( He's in the hospital right now and will be for the next few days. Its really quiet without him--Owlie's very worried and sad :( Even the other cats are freaking out a little.

But anyways, that's about it.

This is Owlie, signing off.

1033040  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2008-06-02
Written: (4128 days ago)
Next in thread: 1033421, 1033778, 1034401

So, not like anyone cares, but my mother just had a major head wound in the airport across the country from our home. We missed our flight, and possibly missed the entire vacation. If i post something new within a day or two, that means they won't let us on the flight at all and we had to head back home already.

Again not like anyone cares...but just in case.

Message if actually interested in details.

1032853  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2008-06-01
Written: (4129 days ago)

For all who don't know, and for the few that care to read, I'm going off on vacation for the next week or so. I'll be back on here June 9 at the earliest, unless by some stroke of luck there's internet access and phone service in the Caribbean :P In which case you'll see me earlier than that. But don't get your hopes up. I'll take lots of pictures and post them someplace if anyone's interested.

In other news, my shitty Biology teacher might give me a C in the class. Which sucks. That's about all I have to say on that matter.

BUT! School is over at last!! Sort of. This summer is going to suck some serious ass, methinks. Technically I only have 2 WEEKS of summer instead of 2 MONTHS like everyone else. Taking PE over the summer in the 100+ heat for 4 weeks is not going to be dandy -_- Vacation's nice, but not whem my mother is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and doesn't care anymore. Bleh :\

At least I'll be in another country for a while. Just as hot, but at least its not a bloody desert -_-

See ya next week, guys!

1029134  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2008-05-13
Written: (4147 days ago)
Next in thread: 1029221

So guess what? I has blog nao: http://niteowlnest.blogspot.com/

Yup, world just ended.

Dunno why I got it, or what I'll put on it, but there it is. I think I'll be putting some of my actual writings there if anyone's intersted in that. I plan on writing at least one small piece of fiction every week. We'll see how that plays out :P

In other news, we have only three weeks left of school including this one :D This week I have a Calculus final on Taylor series and vectors, and a two-day Spanish 3 final.

Finished my two hard AP tests--Calculus I think I did alright, History I don't really know. I think I might have barely passed :/ But tomorrow is my AP English Language and Composition test, and I'm not worried about that one hardly at all :P

Thursday I have a poetry reading at my school that should be pretty good, unlike last time when it ran the same day that "Our Town" opened -_- That was lame. Also, the fifteenth is one of me best buddy's birthdays :D Yay, party and relaxation!

It looks like I'm going to end up with four B's and two A's this year, which isn't that good--a bit worse than I had hoped--but it works out okay I guess. The grades are weighted, so technically I think I still have a 4.0+ GPA :) I'm just trying to forget about it and just keep them up and don't fuck up anymore than I already have.

But anyways, that's the news, and I'm out.

1026491  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2008-04-29
Written: (4161 days ago)
Next in thread: 1026508, 1026657

So...it's the last month of my Junior year of high school. Not very pleased about it actually. Very little to look forward to for quite a long while.

So here's what's going on in May that will probably end in my death:

--All my final tests. Hardcore finals in all classes but one (English).
--Last DBQ (Document-Based Question) in US History, and last quiz
--Final project in History (due dat unknown)
--Final project in Spanish (due May 9)
--Final project/assignment in Psychology on Panic Disorders (due May 21)
--Final project/lab in Biology HL (due date unknown)
--AP Calculus AB Exam=rape me (May 7)
--AP US History Exam=possible rape me, possible okayness (May 9)
--AP English Language Exam=probable pwnage with my essay-writing l33t skillz (May 14)
--Poetry readings and portaits for friends on my "free time" (lol)
--Probably other stuff not assigned yet -_-''''

For those who don't know, AP Exams are giant tests of doom that rape you in the ass for college credits. Based on the score you get (1-5, 3 being the passing grade), most colleges will consider it as having taken the class and you can skip basically your whole freshman year at a university. Crazziness. However, sometimes they take it if you pass, sometimes you have to rape it harcore for it to matter to them.

Basically, what all this means, is that I'm quite busy for a while. I might not be on as much as I usually am, what with the major studying and such.

Also, my mood has been testy lately since my grades are dropping a little and I'm running out of time to get them back up. Right now I have two A's (Spanish and Psychology) and four B's (English, Biology, Calculus, US History), which may not seem bad but my goal was four A's and two B's. I might be able to barely manage that, or at least to bring one of the up to an A. Fucking Bio. teacher keeps docking points for nothing, so I'm on the edge of a C for nothing at all. Asshole.

Anyways...

If I'm not on, I'm reviewing the differences between Madison's and Jefferson's administrations, or possibly reviewing theories of integration and substitution, or cramming everything I know about Nathaniel Hawthorne and George Orwell into my brain. Fun stuff, but it has to be done.

See ya eventually.

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