[Isfet]'s diary

992645  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-11-16
Written: (4519 days ago)




Awww man... sometimes I look back on my life and half of the idiots I was with/hung out with/spoke to and wonder what the fuck I was thinking.

I honestly DO hate immaturity.

Utterly and completely.

On another note, I also hate flip phones when they break in half. Like mine just did.

Life is utterly strange.

The end.

931767  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-04-19
Written: (4730 days ago)


Srsly. Get a life.
931483  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-04-18
Written: (4731 days ago)


Why is it that when you break up with someone and they're all rah rah rah over it... later down the road they claim to everyone and their brother that they broke up with said individual for idiotic reasons and blah, blah, blah..

I don't get that?

But alas, the stupidity of majority of todays human race DOES make me laugh. Pretty fucking hard.

...and I hate people that can't just say shit to my face.
918039  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-03-09
Written: (4771 days ago)

     I don't feel the need to converse with anyone right now, due to the simple fact that majority of you are disgusting me for one particular reason. No, I don't view myself as some superior being.. I still don't. Yet, there's something I seem to be passionate about.. something more people should be concerned with, yet no one cares. If you read this, and choose to confront me afterwards with some sort of argument.. I warn you, don't waste your time. I'll put up a fight you wouldn't believe.
     I'm no longer concerned with everyday aspects of life. I may have the urge for them still, but it's not something I'm worried about anymore. Due to several things, it's given me the negative drive to stay away from any sort of attachment to people, even though I want it from time to time.
     You see, everyone is too worried about today. No one cares about tomorrow. I believe the motto, "Live like there's no tomorrow," is being taken far too literally. Truly, you could die right this second. As could I, as could anyone.. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't care about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the future, and the future is everything to everyone. Your children, your grandchildren.. Your parents, your grandparents.. They all care about what will happen to this place when they pass, or do they not care enough? For a long time I thought that everyone cared about tomorrow.. because how couldn't you? You want the best for those you leave behind when you pass, don't you? So you'd do everything in your power to make it just perfect before you go, wouldn't you?
     I've come to realize that such a thing isn't true. I'm surrounded by zombified torries stuck in the convenient, comfortable pleasures of today. No one is concerned with tomorrow, because today they have everything. Today.. they have everything they need in reach.. But is any of this beautiful to you? Can you call that television a marvel, or those walls seductive? Can you call that soft carpet floor beneath your feet soft and beautiful? No. You'll grow sick and tired of it.
     Everyone is obsessed with the "marvels of technology," and the "ever changing ways of society," but do they not realize that these things are destroying everything that really matters? The world around us is deteriorating.. and the things that are truly beautiful are being slaughtered day after day due to the word convenience. Companies go out and buy land that isn't there's.. They cut down every tree in sight and tear up all of the grass.. They lay bricks over the dirt and poison the insects. They build buildings so tall that graze the sky, and venomous gas pours out of its roof to lay a blanket over the sun.
     Who do we have to stop this? Peda, environmentalists.. But even they don't do anything. They try to make points, but they effect no one. They simply annoy them. You have peda concerned with the circus [which I agree, is the most cruel fate for such gorgeous creatures] while toxins are being poured into the ocean and gas is leaking into the air.. You have environmentalists that plant trees after people have already killed off all the species that lived there.. They nurture the trees so they can be torn down again and again... And that's helping the earth? That's encouraging destruction and slaughter.
     We stole this land that wasn't ours long ago, we made settlements and acted as though we found it all.. We slaughtered people then for it... and now we're killing even more defenseless beings, only now it's animals. We're taking their homes so we can live.. And we expect them not to be enraged.. We turned animals into killers. The tigers fear us, the bears fear us, and they hate us because we took their food... We tainted their water, and we tore down their home. How could anyone tell them they have no right to come tearing down our doors and slaughtering us all?
     If someone kicked in your front door, walking casually into your kitchen and started eating your food.. Took a gun to your "darling childs" throat and let them bleed to death on YOUR carpet.. Would you not be driven to such a rage that you'd want to kill those that did it?
     You'd be lying if you said no.
     Yet we do this to animals, expecting them to be "dumb" enough to not understand.. to not care. They're just as smart as we are, we just can't understand them. We don't understand what people from foreign countries have to say when they speak another language but we don't FUCKING call them stupid, do we?! We know they hold just as much potential as we do, but we can't look at animals that way? We feel we have to slaughter them for game and mount their heads on a wall, or their gutted corpse laid out like a carpet? That's sickening.
     The Indians are the only people that properly "killed" animals. They killed them and used every part of the animal, so that it's spirit could pass on.. As they put it. That's a respectable way to do such a thing. It's still a chain of life, but it isn't killing for sport or a simple game.. It's for survival, and it's using resources wisely.
     Nature is something to be admired, to be respected.. yet we keep tearing it all up. Eventually cities of concrete and metal will cover every inch of this world.. Nothing will be left. All of the animals will be extinct, and no one will remember them. No one will remember that animals ever existed, and they'll raise a quizzical brow at the thought of a flower or fresh air. They'll never know the true meaning of beauty, and they'll never live a proper life. They'll waste away like the zombies of today, only they'll be all the more ignorant to the world that once existed.
     And eventually the world will begin to crumble.. It will begin to fall away from everyones feet, and as everyone falls down into oblivion they'll call out.. They'll cry out for god to save them, but no one will come to save them. They brought hell down upon themselves, and no one cared to change it. Even those that went to church, and those that lived a proper life.. They'll waste away into nothingness, and never exist again.. They'll fade like the very world they massacred. Their faith won't save them in the afterlife they're damned to.
     It seems like too much trouble, too much for people to cope with now.. Even when the facts are laid out before them, easy enough to read as a book with a large print.. They still won't face reality. They still don't care. They still don't really feel for the losses faced everyday.. They're too concerned about finding someone to "love" or someone to fuck.. Someone to leave behind, or someone to crush. Someone to stab in the back, or someone to lie to. They aren't concerned about what really matters.. and asking them to stand by you in a war would be blasphemy to them.
     And so let this single soul be brought down by every weapon in the making.. Because I will not rest until I can't get back up again.. and they'll have to burn my body to ash to banish this restless soul.. Because I refuse to lay back and let the world die. I'll run on into the hottest fire, right into a crowd of a million soldiers.. I'd rather die then watch another beauty fade away.

913715  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-02-24
Written: (4784 days ago)

You know...
I don't quite understand this generation, though I am part of it... I still can't seem to grasp the stupidity of it all.
For instance... People that get online to talk so much that you know they have the ability to type pretty fast... Yet they STILL type lik dis n dey dnt type a daym ting rite. I hate that. Or these little kids that think they're cute typing things the way they "sound." For example: Fucking as "fuccing" or you as "yew," etc.
That presses my buttons.

And this sick obsession with sex. That's degrading.
Especially the people, [no offense to males, because there are plenty that I have or may not have had the pleasure of meeting just yet that aren't like this] mostly males that view me as nothing more then a sex object... That's fucking insulting.
I'd like to think that there's a lot more my mind has to offer then to just be looked at for my looks and what I have to "offer." Anyone has more to offer then that.. And anyone who thinks they have to give it up to get a little respect.. You're disgusting and I hope you rot from the inside out feeling like a nasty whore, because you are.

I'm mean, but I don't even care anymore. I try to warn people and I try to say a lot of shit that could help people out but they blow it off and don't listen...
Few days later they're crying to me about what I just warned them about. That angers me severely. I don't even listen after that. I just tell them to piss off and give someone else their sob story because I don't give a damn.

Call me cruel but, I'm just incredibly blunt.. I've always been very truthful but I am now more so then ever. I feel the need to be.. we've given this generation a foundation.. a very feeble and weak base of lies to live on and try to work off of.. It's like playing Jenga with the lives of our "children" (though I highly doubt I'll ever have them).. But it's very true. We've pulled out all of these pieces and majority of us KNOW it's all going to come tumbling down the second anyone else tries to stack our left over pieces up on top... But we don't do anything.
That's sad. Very sad. More people need to stand up...

This world is out of hand.

900708  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-01-20
Written: (4819 days ago)

     So I've decided that it's time for a few changes.
     I spoke to someone tonight, well, earlier, considering it's 5:37AM. Well, he's one of the only people that's ever been able to just crack open my skull and be able to read everything like an open book before I could even utter word.
     At first I hated it, really hated it. No one has even been able to do that before, so I'm not used to it, at all. But, now that I've had a few hours to let it soak in and to let my heart stop racing, I realized; he was right.
     I mean, he knows he was right but.. I wouldn't believe that he was. I was trying to be misunderstood so that life would be easier. Surely, I wasn't content with life but it made things easier, the solitude of it all. I kept shoving people off my ship so I could sail alone, because that's what I was comfortable with.
     But if you stay in your comfort zone forever, you'll live a pathetic life and never be happy, and you'll never go anywhere, so what the hell am I doing this for?
     I don't think I mean to, but with that nice punch in the face.. I want to try and fix it.
     And I mean that when I say it, I don't want to turn my back on it in a few weeks, or a month, or even in a year from now and go back to acting like that.. I really want to change it, and some other things. My pessimism and bad argumentative habits being the main ones, as sometimes I just argue to confuse people so they think I'm impossible to understand..
     But really, I'm not impossible.. I just try to make it that way. Apparently I'm not that much different at all, really. But that's true. No one is all that different, no one person can stand out in a crowd of a thousand people.. It just doesn't work like that.
     I wanted someone to come along and help me, but the second help arrived I'd shoot the knight right off of his horse. Not very wise, that's just ignorant.. Why ask for help if you're just going to feed your savior to the wolves? Yeah, I know, pointless, right? Right.
     So, just hit me with a frying pan if I start showing my pessimistic side, or being a dick when you offer to talk or something. I'm sure you'll be open to the frying pan, because I've been one hell of a bitch.
     I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'd rather prove my apology first by fixing everything.

897089  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-01-10
Written: (4829 days ago)

So I never write in this thing anymore.

I hate me :/

780547  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-04-20
Written: (5094 days ago)

She is my hero;

And this is my future.

Perhaps the most famous name that springs to mind when we think of vampires is Vlad Dracul.Other wise known as Count Dracula,Vlad the Impaler and a few other names too.
But for now we will look at another figure that is probably more famous than even The Count himself.
A noblewoman born in Hungary in 1560.
We will take a look at none other than 'The Bloody Countess' herself.
Elizabeth Bathory.
Born into a powerful family who owned more than enough land in Transylvania did she really stand a chance of leading a normal life?
Take into consideration the fact that a few members of her family were mentally insane,perverted and at least one member who was known to be a devil worshipper.
Did this contribute to the life she lead?
Let us look at the events in question.
In 1575 she was married to Count Ferencz Nadasdy.He was 25 and she was 15.
Once married they took up residence in Castle Csejthe.A mountaintop castle found in north west Hungary,which loomed over the village of Csejthe.
Count Nadasdy spent weeks and even months away from home fighting the Turks.
Being a fearless warrior and great fighter helped earn him the nickname 'Black Hero of Hungary'.
It was during the long lonely periods seperated from her husband that the Countess began her numerous affairs with young men and her obsession with her beauty.
During one affair she even ran away with a lover but soon returned where she knew she was best off.She returned to the Count who forgave her and welcomed her home.
But the Count returned to his wars and the Countess develpoed more 'extra marital' interests.Namely that of visiting the estate of an Aunt.One Countess Klara Bathory.
Klara was an open bisexual and it is rumoured that Elizabeth was 'introduced' to this side of herself too.It is unclear as to the exact details of these events but people have their suspicions.
Around this time a maid of the Countess,Dorothea Szentes,introduced Elizabeth to the Black Arts.Dorothea was an experienced witch and taught Elizabeth the ways of the Occult.Such rituals included the sacrifice of animals including horses,chickens and various other animlas.
Now introduced and getting well versed in the Black Arts Elizabeth's obsession with sadism and her own beauty began.
Her obsession grew stronger with one event.
Elizabeth gathered a little group together to help her in her reign of terror.
This group was made up of a maid,Anna Darvula,rumoured to be Elizabeth's lover,a nurse she had known for some years Iloona Joo,Johannes Ujvary her manservant and her Black Arts tutor and maid,the afore mentioned Dorothea Szentes.
With this murderous group now in effect the Countess devised her plans to help her pleasure in sadism.
In the years that followed the Countess tortured and killed many maidens for her own pleasures.Their deaths providing her with the means to satisfy her sadisist tendancies..
Various means were employed to inflict pain upon these innocent young girls.
They would be stripped naked and whipped by the Countess.Whipped on their fronts so the Countess could watch the effect of the pain on the girls faces.Also she would slash their bodies with knives,jab them with needles(especially in sensitive areas such as under finger and toe nails,arm pits and various other places).
She derived great pleasure from the pain she inflicted upon these girls and this sadism continued for many years.
The real turning point that turned her obsession into a quest to remain youthful happened after Count Nadasdy died in 1600.
After the Counts death things took a turn for the worse for the young girls.
The Countess moved her mother-in-law(who she hated) out of the castle and she was now free to persue her sadism without her husbands or mother-in-laws interference.
Her blood obsession closely followed.
One day as a maid had finished brushing Elizabeths hair,Elizabeth inspected it.She was less than pleased with the results.Angered at the girls lack of ability she struck the maiden.The blow connected with the girls face,Bathory was holding scissors at the time.The result was that the Countess was sprayed with blood.Upon washing the blood from her hands she examined the skin that had been covered and felt it was softer and more youthful in apperance.Being as she had just turned 40,and time had been very unkind to her,this belief was a desperate grasp at gaining the youthfulness she once held so dear.This was to be the start of the reign of the 'Bloody Countess'.
With this belief firmly planted in Elizabeth's head the murderous group she had gathered now had their work laid out before them.
Their goal was now to keep the Countess in blood supplies for her lust for youthful looks.
Make up was not good enough anymore for Elizabeth.She needed more.Blood was the answer.or so she believed.Being as many religions believe that blood is life,the Countess believed that it was the life and means to a youthful apperance.
With the help of Johannes and Dorothea she had the girl held over a vat.Her arteries were then cut and the three waited as the blood drained from the girl.Once the girl was dead Elizabeth bathed in the blood from her body.Her persuit for youth through young girls blood had begun.
In the next ten years that followed the Countess murdered and tortured many young girls.Elizabeths murderous posse employed young girls from nearby towns and villages as maids and help.The young girls not knowing that a fate far worse was to await them.The torture proceeded as before but now with meaures to ensure the blood was saved for the Countesses looks.The torture was never quick either.The Contess made sure that it lasted weeks,sometimes even months.Long,slow,painful deaths.The Countess even indulged in a new pleasure.Sadism and persuit of youth combined.Cages were hung in a room and the Countess would stand naked under them.The cages contained young girls who were stabbed with spikes and various implements to make them bleed.The Countess then indulged in blood showers as the maidens bled to death,or worse,survived for yet another such ordeal.The Countess indulged in these practices for many years.
Then in her quest for youth she began to get fussy.The blood from peasant girls was not enough anymore.She needed noble girls to feed her obsession.A mistake as these girls would be missed.People in the village of Csejthe were already beginning to talk about the rumours of the castle.So were the neighbouring villages.These rumours worked their way steadily to the Hungarian empire.By which time they had grow from rumours to facts with circumstantional evidence.
Upon hearing these rumours and investigating the rumours the empire found that these girls had indeed gone missing and all had been rumoured to work in the castle.
The Emporor ordered Count Coyorgy Thurzo,Elizabeth's cousin,the governer of the area,to raid Castle Csejthe and find out if the rumours were true.
On the night of December 30th 1610,the castle was raided by Count Thurzo.Upon entry the troop were mortified.There in the main hall was a young girl.She was lying dead on the floor,drained of all her blood.They also found a girl w who had had her body peirced but was still alive.The troop listened to her stories of utter horror and investigated the castle further.Making their way to the dungeon they found girls in cells.All placed there until their the Countess wanted more blood.Some of the girls had already been tortured and were placed there til their time was near again.Upon further investigation they found between 30 and 60 girls below the castle.
In 1611 a trial was held.Elizabeths four accomplices were brought to trial and sentenced to death.Each death penalty was passed according to the part played in the crimes.
During the trial a report was found at the castle which placed the deaths in the region of 630-660 girls.Records had been kept to their crimes!!!!!!
Also Erzsi Majorova was sentenced to death in her part.She took the bodies from the Countess and disposed of them for a fee.
It also came to light in the trial that there were rumours the Countess had bitten young girls to obtain blood and that she drank it.
As Elizabeth was of noble blood she was not allowed to have the death sentence by law.
Instead they passed a sentence some might think of as much worse.
She was allowed to live.Although her existence til death was to be lived walled up in one room of the castle.With only a space for food to be passed to her,a few slits for air and absolutly no contact with the outside world.
In 1614 one of Elizabeths jailers saw that her food had been untouched.
Upon investigation they saw that the Countess was lying face down on the floor,dead.
Finally the reign of the 'Bloody Countess' was over.She had carried out her crimes in that castle and had paid for them there too.
The documents from the case were opened many years later but were found to be incomplete.Pieces were missing.
And so the 'Bloody Countess' has gone down in history as the most sadistic and warped vampire to ever walk the earth.
So I say again.......seeing as her family had a history of mental problems was she merely twisted or was it in her genes?
Does it strike you as even weirder when I tell you that one of her relatives,a Prince Steven Bathory,was a commanding officer who helped Count Vlad Dracula claim the throne to Wallachia just over 100 hundred years before she was born?
Coincidence or fate?
I will let you decide.
763370  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-03-15
Written: (5130 days ago)

This is fucking bullshit. Lately everything is fucking bullshit. I'm so sick of all of this.
If I were to die right now, by most religions, I'd be sent to "eternal damnation" for all of my "repetitive sins", yet where am I now? I'm stuck in a place that might as well be damnation.

Let me rewind.

Well.. it appears as though this streak of bad luck began this weekend. I had it out with my boyfriend with all of this shit that happened, but fine, whatever, we "figured it all out" and things are just fine now. I also have it out with someone who claims they think of me as one of their "best friends" and supposedly we're fine now as well.
Then we have today.
Today being a royal pain in my ass.

It began with my appointment with a neurologist about my chronic migraines. The bitch thinks he's a psychiatrist and thinks he has the right to lecture me on how to live my life when it has nothing to do with anything. The fucking bastard has nerve. He wants to get in my face telling me that "So what if you can't write, you can at least sit in class and listen." What the FUCK is the point in that? I can't listen, I just sit there and copy shit down and do my work, I rarely ever listen. It's POINTLESS! Then he asks a series of questions which I guess was a neccesity, then proceeds to check how my reflexes are and all, another neccesity. Then he proceeds to ask me how my social life is:
"Do you have many friends at school?"
A few...
"Like one, maybe two?"
Well I mean, I talk to a few, but I rarely talk to them outside of school...
And what the FUCK does that have to do with my HEADACHES?! WHO THE FUCK I TALK TO IS NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS! And why the fuck did he want to be a snot with me because I'm more interested in english and art then sports? So fucking what if I'm not some stupid jock doing stupid shit wasting my time, I have better things to do. So what if my imagination is better then my metabolism.
"So do you consider yourself a loner?"
Right then, I wanted to deck that stupid asshole in his face. He had crossed the line, and I was sick of his bullshit. But no, it doesn't end there! Then he wanted to give me an even longer lecture on why I should go to college. That college was fun! Yeah, whatever.
Then I get home, and find out my Mom has been going through my buddy list, and discovers that Catherine is on it and goes off on me saying I still talk to her.
You know what, I'm sick of this shit.
I want to leave more then anything in this world.
Fuck school, fuck everything. What the hell do I do at school? All I accomplish is the extreme urge to go off on a rampage and kill everyone there.
Goody, I sit all alone at lunch, I sit all alone in class, I'm alone here. The only people I talk to don't live here, everyone that's here that I ever talked to my parents didn't like and they dragged me away from them. The only people here I'm not banned from have no interest in me or they just annoy me to no end.
I hate fake people.
Yet that makes me hate everyone, doesn't it?
Aside from maybe one, but oh well.
And he's probably the only individual that could relate with my current frustration and honestly be able to talk me out of some idiotic massacre.
I'm just so sick of this. How much longer do I have to deal with this bullshit? How much longer can I even take it before I just snap and either leave or worse...?
Why the hell do I have to stay?
What the fuck is the point?
Can anyone honestly give me one good reason as to why we're here? Why we live? Why we go on? We accomplish nothing, we do nothing. We live to die. Nothing more, nothing less.
Most people see the same things all there life, the same people, the same scenary. They even follow the same traditions, the same laws, most of it is all the same. And no, I'm not including the rapidly changing equipment that is destroying the very sacred soil we stride upon. That's another can of worms. Yet why should we go on for such a weak and meaningless reason? To go on, to breed, to torture another generation by forcing them to live the very SAME life that we lived.. What is the point... I really cannot see it. Our names will be forgotten very soon after we die, we leave no mark in the sands of time. But very few of us do.
Will they remember me?
Will they speak my name with joy or fear?
Which would I prefer? To live a joyous and perfect life, changing the world for the better so that they will look upon my picture and smile and say that I did good for them all, that I changed them and made them better people.. Or will they lock away my pictures, will I stumble into history books so that when my name is spoken by daring and brave mouths it will send chills down the very spines of those around them? Will I corrupt the world? Or will I simply open their eyes and reveal the very truth that lies beneath the damp earth?
I am not alone in this war.
Things will change soon enough, I just have to wait.
Things will be different, very different..

They will tremble at the sound of my name.

No one quite understands this agony, this misery.. Eternal anguish.. Locked up within your own mind.. To hell with the world.. To hell with its laws, it's wishes, it's expectations.. I have my own ideas, my own plans. I have my own laws, my own life. No one will ever control me. No one will ever tell me what to do, no one will be able to predict me.
We'll be an unstoppable pair...
him and I...

They'll never see it coming.

Their weak minds amuse me.. He'll always be the one who truly understands.. He'll be the only one to comprehend this anguish, and he'll be the only one who can ever cure it.
To hell with the rest of them.
They were never really there.

I'm an outsider for a reason.

753977  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-02-24
Written: (5148 days ago)

I truly do despise humanity. Every exsistence is meaningless. I'm sick of trying. Nothing is ever good enough for anyone. Perfection is non-exsistent, yet that is what everyone strives for. Why try so hard for disappointment? The souls wondering this planet are too stubborn to face reality, and I can't stand the sight of it. Idiocy will eventually suffocate me and be the death of me. I'm growing tired of immaturity. The minds of our generations are doing nothing but wasting away before they even reach the outside world, or what is left of it. Why does anyone try to impress anyone else? What is the point in finding a mate when the only purpose is pleasure? Why breed those curious fools that will be the death of our beloved grounds? Perhaps I'm simply far too pensive for such an age, but I simply cannot bear this for much longer. Everything grows more pointless with each minute that passes by so painfully slow. Why does anyone bother with such a dreadful thing as life? Truly, I will not end my own life but why is death unwelcomed by so very many? Why fear such an offering? Why fear such an oppurtunity as death? Death is just another chapter in this horrid thing they all refer to as "life". I believe the only reason it is feared is because what comes after that last fleeing breath, that last blinking motion of your fragile eyelids, the last light dying within your curious eyes, the last twitch of your pale body, is because after all of that, it is completely unknown what will happen to you, or anyone. Who knows where we will be lead to, or where we will fall to.. Perhaps nothing happens at all. Maybe the very next day we will awake in anothers body with only the faintest memories of our previous life and we will be forced to live out yet another tragic story. Are there even any highs in life? Is there any way to escape the misery, the eternal anguish, the slow suicide? I've yet to find one. I constantly have the urge to just run, and never stop. Hopefully one day I'll get the chance to just get away from it all.. So I won't have to deal with all of the accusations, the heart break, the back stabbing, the choking... Just away from all of the pointless madness.... The continous miserable cycle.....

730664  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-01-11
Written: (5193 days ago)
Next in thread: 731150, 732458

I'm fucking deleting everyone. If you care to add me again, then fine. But otherwise, fuck you. I don't give a shit.

702330  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-11-21
Written: (5243 days ago)

Okay... So the stitches came out, blah, blah, blah. Pins come out on the 28th... I go back to school on the 5th just to turn around and get out for winter break in two weeks. Heh. My migraine medicine is gay and I can't take it anymore. It causes me to randomly throw up all night and have minor seizures. =) So screw that.

Okay now that that's over with.

Life's pretty dumb.

I don't really know what to think about a lot of things anymore, honestly. Got rather pissed at the funeral I had to attend on Saturday. All the talk of God and what not. I mean, they rambled on saying stuff like "If you've accepted Jesus into your life then he'll look out for you" and all this other stupid stuff.. But if that's so true then why would "God" take a perfectly well man who went to church all the time... Had just straightened out his life and gotten custody of his kids? I don't quite see how that makes any sense! But oh well. Some loon makes a big book, rants about some holy guy and everyone decides to stick with that and worship because it's easier. I don't personally think that's really the right thing to do... I take little things from everywhere and that's what I believe, how I live, what I do, just flat out how I live. I'm Agnostic because I don't necessarily believe in all the science of some things... I don't believe that something just randomly exploded in the universe and here we are today polluting this place and killing each other... But I do believe that someone/thing somewhere put us here. Maybe not for any reason at all in the world.. Maybe just a sick joke. She/he/it may not even be looking 'over us' or even give a damn at all.. *Shrugs slightly* Who really can tell?

Another thing that dances on my nerves though lately... The unknown. Dear god I've just been thinking so much lately and it's driving me crazy. Absolutely insane. But seriously... The unknown. Just saying that makes you wonder, endlessly. Because if it's the unknown... No one knows. And you may never know... What I mean to say is basically... Say where you go after you die... Or what lies in the pitch black darkness where you think no one will ever dare to go. Stuff like that. It's kind of hard to think about it, kinda hurts. Worries me a bit, honestly. But I don't really know why... I mean I'm not afraid of dying... But what happens after that? Who am I going to see? Who am I going to have to be with... Deal with. Will I be with people that once broke me to pieces? People I hate? Or maybe people I love and care about...? That's another thing weighing down on my mind... Causing me to randomly zone out at times.

And the next thing. Yes I know... This entry is rather long but, I don't even really know if anyone will bother to read this far... If you do read this far then I guess thanks for listening to my thoughts. But anyway. Have you ever... Just been sitting there not really thinking in depth... Just either chillin' or normal talk with someone... And this image pops into your head, a vision almost... You've never seen it before... Not in a movie, photo, drawing, dream.. Not anywhere. Yet it comes to you randomly, sometimes it changes as if going really slowly through a movie, frame by frame... And you may even dream about it. Well all month I've been seeing this thing... Even had a dream about it, once... But someone called me and interupted my dream before I could see who it was. I see this open field, absolutely covered in snow. In the back ground there's bare trees and where my point of view is I'm looking at this teenager/man standing a few feet away... Possibly anywhere from like 5-10 ft. He has black hair, looks like it's been dyed and it daunts at his shoulders... Wavy-ish. He's wearing a trench coat but I can't see who it is. Well when the image progressed there was a knife or something in the snow and someone was laying in front of him, dead I assumed because of the blood everywhere.. But then I had a dream about it. He was kneeling down next to the person laying in front of him and he slowly stood up... I think he dropped the knife. I went to walk around to see who the guy was and who was laying there but then as I said, someone called and woke me up. It could be that he killed whoever it was... Or that he was trying to help and didn't make it in time. I just don't get who it is... Now I just see the original image anywhere from 3-5 times a day. No body, no blood... Just him. I just don't get it. It kind of worries me though... Considering we're going into winter now. =/

Well... On to normal everyday problems. My boyfriend likes this other chick... And he keeps getting all worked up over her and upset. He tries to hide it but, it's obvious. He said at first he liked her but he loved me. Then he tried to say oh well I don't care about her, I hate her. But... Tell me. If he 'hates' her so much.. What would it matter what she said? That she used him before and that she 'pitied' him when she said she loved him before. If he didn't care about her it wouldn't matter! Then he wants to talk to me about how hot she is? Yeah, let me pretend to care. I'm sure he'd be over joyed if I said I liked some guy and he was just so gorgeous! T_T; Guys make no sense. They make me angry sometimes. How gay.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with relationships. The same thing happens everytime. They find someone better, they get sick of you, they leave you. Ehhh.. The second I open up to them they break my heart.

It's just a matter of time, I guess.

Well if you'll excuse me I think I'm going to go outside and taunt the cars acting like I'm going to step out in front of them.

...And just happen to slip off the curb?

HA! Just kidding..?
689222  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-10-28
Written: (5267 days ago)
Next in thread: 689625

Yeah.. So after Monday I may not be on much.
I have surgery on my knuckle that day.. For two weeks I'll have stitches and for a month I'll have pins sticking out of the back of my hand. =) Oh freaking joy.

I'd be all "blah blah blah I'll get on as much as I can and respond to messages" but I doubt I'll even have any to respond to. XD I won't be missed, end of story.

Don't know why I bothered with the entry... I doubt anyone would worry when I suddenly disappeared for a while.. But oh well. Whatever.

Okay, now you know, not that you've bothered to read it.
656429  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-30
Written: (5327 days ago)

Okay.. So here I fucking sit, barely able to see the fucking screen..Feeling more empty then I've ever fucking felt in my life.. Sitting here, crying my fucking eyes out and writing.. Typing.. To say god only knows what.. I don't even know why I'm saying anything here to begin with. No one will read it here... So why bother.. But.. Maybe I feel like it.. Like.. A closure.. Maybe. Or maybe it's just to get my mind off of life.. Even though I know inside it won't work.. And no one will care.. Maybe people will just think I'm after sympathy..But I'm not..

So I'm sitting here.. Thinking.. Memories bugging me.. I keep imagining him in my arms, dying.. Again. Why do I have to face this torture countless times? Why won't it just leave me alone..... FUCK MY MIND! FUCK THESE TEARS! FUCK MY PAST! And fuck all these fuckers.. Who don't give a shit about me.. So I'm sitting here next.. to my best friend.. Who probably doesn't even realize I'm crying.. While she tries to fucking go to sleep...

And me?

I can't sleep.. I just lay there and fucking cry.. Like I've been doing for nights.. for weeks.. maybe months.. Very rarely do I ever fucking sleep anymore..

Why can't I cheer up.. I want to.. Deep down.. Maybe I am really happy sometimes now.. And it isn't just a mask anymore.. It's fucking sad when I can't tel the difference between what I really feel.. And what's just a mask.. What's fake............

What is real now....?

Makes me wonder.. If this love now is real.. Does he really care? Does he really love me? Would he really bother.................... No one else ever meant it.. No one else ever did shit..So what makes him so different..Or maybe it's just me.. Who keeps fucking pushing everyone away.. And everyone who lets me push them away..

No.. I can't blame anyone else for what I fucking do..

I do it to everyone.. And it's my fucking fault.. It's my fucking fault I'm so alone.. So empty.. So cold.. And always so fucking sad..

Is the smile he puts on my face real... Or is it just a temporary fix.. Like a high..

I don't want to push him away.. I don't want him to leave.. In all reality, I want him to come here and be with me forever.. So I can hold him, he can hold me.. And I can be happy forever.. If it's not true happiness.. Even though.. I think it is.. What I feel.. When he does things for me.. Goes out of his way for me.. I don't think it's a mask.. I think he really does make me happy.. But.. how long will he stick around..

I'm afraid he's going to leave like everyone else.. Or maybe that's just me pushing him away..

Now look at what I've fucking done to her...... I wish she wouldn't..

It's always my fucking fault..

Fuck this, I don't know why I bother.. Even if anyone does read it.. Which they won't.. I don't know what I expect from it.. I don't know what I want from it..

Just fuck it

I hope my blood keeps on flowing until I fucking die..

653726  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-26
Written: (5331 days ago)

New username, fuckers. That's right. This one is bitchin'. Ha.

652348  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-24
Written: (5333 days ago)

As the lights flickered from the passing storm, she searched for a match. With a quick strike of lightning and a loud crash of thunder, the lights quickly cut out. She passed the display case, a katana within. She felt along the walls for a source of light. She turned, her eyes adjusting slightly to her dark surroundings. She shuttered as his words echoed within her mind from previous conversations. She passed the display case once more, a flash of lightning revealed the missing blade. She searched the room frantically with her eyes, trying to seek out the intruder. She heard a noise and headed to the next floor. Quickly she found her way to the stairs, climbing them swiftly to meet her enemy, but as she turned the corner, the lightning revealed the opposite. There he stood, blade out with hatred in his eyes. She quickly ran into her room and slammed the door. He began to pound on the door, screaming madly as she searched for matches. Each pound of his fist upon the door was just as surprising and terrifying as the thunder outside. She struck a match, quickly lighting as many candles as she could. Suddenly he came bursting through the door. The surprise hit her hard, knocking her to the ground as she faced him, trembling in fear. He laughed, hatred dripping from every aspect of his features. The shadows from the flames danced upon his face, he had become a quick passing shadow. He began screaming at her as he struck her once with the blade. She stood, her arm bleeding, she cringed from his harsh words. She choked back her tears, attempting to hide her weakness. He struck her again, sending her to her knees. He danced upon her life and upon her soul. She bowed her head, barely able to speak, she begged him to stop but he heard nothing. He began screaming again as she held her hands to her face, hiding her emotions with the smear of blood on her face. He struck her again, what most would consider a fatal blow. She stood once again. He dropped the blade and pushed her down. She began screaming, not at him, not at herself, but screaming every last word and emotion on her mind. He dropped to his knees, hearing none of her words as she screamed them through her own blood and tears. Her chest bled violently from his last blow, with every breath she took and every word she spoke. He narrowed his eyes and dug his hand into the wound. She gripped his wrist and began screaming madly. Still he felt around as if searched desperately to end her life. Finally she felt her heart clench, tighten. Her eyes studied his face closely, she wouldn’t believe it was truly him, but it was. She felt him yank at her heart as she watched him. She let her hands drop from his arm. He screamed at her one last time and with a final tug, she saw her heart in his hands. She slowly relaxed, her breaths ending, her blood running cold. Her eyes were empty, glazed, but they sat upon him. He clenched her heart, watching madly as the last bit of blood fell. He dropped it to the ground; her blood covered his hands and his clothes. He simply turned and walked away without even looking back.

649995  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-08-20
Written: (5337 days ago)

Uh.. Yeah. Have some lyrics? See how I currently feel, if you care.

Autumn's Monologue - From Autumn To Ashes

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
No, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
by you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
when I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you
I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

I break in two over you
I break in two over you, over you
I break in two
I would break in two for you
Now you see me
Now you don't
Now you need me

Now you don't

388335  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-10-23
Written: (5638 days ago)
Next in thread: 388676


297754  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-07-24
Written: (5729 days ago)

why am i condemned to this hell?! why am i haunted by these images that arent even from my own life? how did i get them!? what did i do?! why does he want me dead?! *collapses to the floor* hes eating my soul........destroying the only thing i have left..... X_x

283085  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-07-12
Written: (5741 days ago)

if anybody wants to kill me, please go ahead...

 The logged in version 

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