[Enigmatic slipstream]'s diary

503475  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-02-23
Written: (5512 days ago)
Next in thread: 503906

AM I waisting my time?


this et is realy depresing.. o im so sad and weak and cant help myself and o please shoot me in the head so i might die and wrot,,,ow i forgot im not even worthy 2 be part of the earth... im nothing and never will be... im such a idiot and mylife is so bad... no one in the world feels like me... no one will ever understand.. i got all these problems and it wount be ever beter... im so young and already thinking of dieng and being depressed and yea i am just nothing.. crawling back in the darkness and dieng there.. yea thats all i can do.,. because i love being controled by surcumstanses and things hapening and poeple around me and friends telling me what 2 do...i love it.. its the only life for me...


"U KNOW THATS WHAT IS MAKING ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY OWN GENERATION THINKING LIKE THIS... LIVING A LIE EVERY DAY... THERE ISNT A WORD TO DESCRIBE IT"

THIS elftown is a hell hole for idiots thinking like this... its a depressed pease of crap place... o my life..

BOO HOO        GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!

477711  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-01-21
Written: (5545 days ago)
Next in thread: 477753

this is my God!!!!!!!!if urs is not as mine...get urself a new one...and get urself a life...

My God is
wonderfull
glorious
holly
and rightious

Victorious
conquerer
trianfint
and mighty

healer
deliverer
shield
and defense
strong...tower
and my BEST FRIEND

omnipotent
omnipresent
***soon coming King***
Alpha          Omaga
!!!!Lord of everything!!!!

Dont tell me thought he is enything difrent from this..and its only the start off His awsome power...lol...if u disagree...u now were 2 find me!!!
O and if that sounded like a chalange.. ur right....

476864  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-01-20
Written: (5546 days ago)
Next in thread:

you know it doesnt mater how much i tri 2 build a bridge over 2 u... a inturnaty will be shorter if u dont build one 2 me also... i cant spend all my time and eford on u and tri 2 get 2 know u beter if u dont even give me a little bit back... so ill be waiting till i get something 2 buitd with... it always took 2 too have a relationship..even if its a friendship or more...always 2.... it pains me that it must be like this...because if i had a choise i would have been right by ur side personaly getting 2 know u in real life...just as a friend...because true friends in life is scares....and there are so few real poeple in life...

470667  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-01-13
Written: (5553 days ago)

ok..i think ll wright a sumary of what all hapend 2 me every night from work...lol..just so that i will remeber when go back 2 South Africa...will be nise 2 read again..lol..

ok.. well there are a couple of insidenses...lol..ok well i usualy travel from hammersmith with bus N97.N11 0r N9 of oxford circus..then from there is right 2 travagal square(spelling??LOL) and then from there 2 leyton with bus N26... so one morning when work ended at about 4 or 4:30 i climbed on a bus 2 travaglar...lol..but it whent 2 the opeside direction...i always go wright up in the bus and sit at the back....so i took a little nap..but when i woke up 2 see were i am i saw a whole difrent place..so i went down and ask the driver what his story is...lol..so he said no mate sory its in the uther direction..i thought ill strangel the guy..i said were the hell must i go now...(definatly not 2 hell,lol enyway) so he said no he doesnt know..so i climbed out and whent 2 the oposide bus stop and tride again..luckaly i came at my home in the end...

ow yea the first time i traveld 2 my house i took a nuther path...from oxford circus i took bus 25 tat goes 2 stratford and then bus 69 or 58 to leyton.... but lol... i climbed on bus 25..took a nap woke up....felt wierd for some reason..sat there 10 min and then asked a guy infront of me if we are near stratford..lol..the guy looked puzzled at me and said...sory we already past it a while ago...and im on my way 2 ilford... and then very nise of him told me exactly were 2 go for the uther bus...as if he knew presisly were and if he was already right with a answer...bless him out of his socks!!! he helped me that morning... so i home late again!! lol

the uther time i took a nap(me and my naps) at the back of the bus...lol..i think this was the best...i woke up with a bump of the bus...drool coming off my mouth at the side..lol...im serious...i was in a nuther world or something..fast asleep...but the thing is the bus stoped and the lights of the bus was off...lol...and i was alone in it..lol...i went down and asked the bus driver..that was on his why out of his bus..where am i and why didnt u wake me?? lol..he didnt even answer me...he mumpled a couple of words...i thought ill kill him..lol..no i just laughted a bit and said francois this is ur own fault!! and walked out of a bus depo in the middle of no were...the poeple that worked there looked at me if im from mars and stoped me 2 ask were im going and were i copme from...so i laughed at them and said i fll asleep in the bus..and im going home..lol...it took me longer than a half and hour 2 find a bus stop and i was surounded by these gangster guys every were..it was a wrong place 2 be for me...but i made it in the end..after i asked a guy in a nuther bus depo...just near me...

ok this was also funny...it was at travagler...i got there saw a buddy of mine started 2 get in my old mood of mistiff...it was kind of cold...so i saw this blond haired i woke neer her..lol...and showted at my friend in my launguge(afrikaans) come here its nise and warm ,why do u want 2 stand there if u can stand along side this beautyfull chick..lol..he came near me laughting and i walked 2 the back of me with my back turned...my freind said i must be carlul ill bumped into her...i turned and looked right into her eyes..i sad sory and she said 2 me in my languege, its ok...my friend laughed at me..i meen here i just spoke of this girl in my languege thinking now one understands us and there she did,lol...but what saved me was she listening 2 music wth her earfones on...but i think she heard me.,..lol... she sat at the back were i usualy sit and we sat more 2 the front... my friends nearer 2 her and me look t them and so i can see her also..lol..so we took of woth the bus 2 leyton and i see this uther guy comeing up...lol.i just went hello in my languegew at him..and so he was also a South african..lol..so we talked alot that night about nuthing and nonsense( u know how guys talk,lol) but the whole time i look now and then at this chick and then she looks at me...lol..so sudenly she stuck her tounge out 2 me...lol and made a wierd face( u know like a brother 2 a sister) lol..i laughted abit and looked wierd at her(almost a bit evil) then she went on doing her thing...but when she did it again i did it...so we went on..while my friends were talking and babling..the one saw me and looked wierd at me..but i just laughed at him...so they climbed off and i went and sit at her and talked a bit..u know finding out how much money she has and how i can use her and so on..lol..just joking..but did meet up wit her acouple of times again..lol..she works at a club and also gets off late...dont wory she isnt a stripper..i hope..not that it will mater how i will talk 2 her..she is human like me...

ok..this wasnt the funniest morning but yea it was a experience for me... i climbed in the bus at travagler... sat at my usual place at the back...then this guy cam and sat at the uther side of me at the back..each of us in our conrner..ok u have 2 understand this morning i was alittle tired... he asked me if i want a piece of bread and something else(cant remeber) we started 2 talk and so on... but i knew that he was yea..gay...but i was tired like i said and u can take advantage of that...we started making jokes and so on..so he was the same age as me...wasnt so strong( not that im strong) so ui werent thretent by him(ill tell u know why i could have been) he lived almost near me...also in leyton, so he said if i dont was something 2 drink at his house and so on an then we can chat more...i could feel this guy wants 2 have company and that he seeks something more oin life...and yea i went...he is a cool guy, and so i went,and what a house inside..if i could live like that..loll..enyway one of the reasons i went ( and ill be honest) is that he said he has 3 patners that live with him,and they are not guys or gay..lol..so i wanted 2 see how the look because he talked abit about them and was enyway looking for some action in london and a crowd i can go out with more and have some fun(this is what hapens when im bored,lol) so the were still sleeping because it was early and he asked me what i wanted,alchalhol or fruit juice,and ofcaurse i took the alcohol,ok joking, took some orange juice as i remebered, and we started 2 talk..i took my shoes off because i didnt want 2 get mud on in there house..see i know my maners,enyway he said i must make myself comfortable, and he put the tv on(luckaly because i used the tv 2 let him see im not gay or intrested,lol) so he even asked me if i wanted 2 take a shower,lol..i just looked at him and said very good manered no...( and those who know me will no thats not me) we started 2 talk about sex girls and guys,the topic i wanted 2 get out, and it was all liked 2 God(those topix) so he started 2 throw me with questions sbout God and why i feel like that and how i see girls and so on...he just laughted when i said i see a girl as a presiouis flower( cleshe i think i thought,lol) but its true...girls are the part of us thats missing(besides God) we are there 2 protect and 2 make them feel spesial beautiful and as prinseses!!! and ui told him that and we came 2 the topic of being gay and how i see them, so i told him stright, that i love them but not htere actions,i respect them but not there actions, i told him we are made for a girl and 2 become one with her in the marridge as it is ment 2 be, something not perverted and lustful but real intimet love, and the most powerful love,Gods love, thats not a feeling or emotion but everlasting!! so he said that 2 girls or guys can have more fun because they know exactly were 2 touch and so on...so i said thats why there is alot of practise with ur wife or husband..lol...and theres alot of time...lol..so i asked him if he is still a virgen and he said yes and he asked me so i said yes i am and that i nevered kised a girl yet on the lips...lol..so he said he doesnt believe me.. i meen i was hitting on me and just say i was gay i could have had him in the bed oin no time,and take his verginty, thats just sad i thin,very sad... then he asked me if he can try something with me..and if i would get mad at him...lol..so i said no and that i will get mad at him,i would have..shoe dont want 2 go there,poor guy!!!!so i made up a excuse 2 go, by that time i was so drained and would have fallen asleep in his house and that wount be funny for me,lol) so i went him with me and said i must go, gave him my number and went 2 sleep,in my own bed alone!!! hell yea!! lol..what a day i would say!!!he called me acouple of times asking if i want 2 go 2 his house and some parties but i said nope i cant, he is realy hungry for thruth and answers and he will get them...i asked him 2 come with me 2 church and he almost said yes, so the next time he will probably go with me, so that will be cool!!!

the uther nights was just South Africans thinking that i cant understand them and they made asses about them selfs..this one guy said yea i want 2 get drunk and so on, what a fool,such a low life he must have poor guy, and then a draqueen last night that had alot of orgasms in the street and said the whole time in its wierd woman voice,"ow i cant believe this,ow,.."lol..sad ill say..i just ran into the bus because it started 2 look wierd at me..why me and gays?? ai very sad!!! enyway..what else hapend...ow yea this guy saying he can get a prostetude very nise looking for 15 pounds in his country( how did he put it,a little jiggy jiggy) and here for 50 puonds so its cheaper in his country, i just said ow, and thought how sad,he is married with 2 children ( 2 boys 7 years old) and gets 500 puonds that he puts away every week..and he follows such alive stile..sad...( see i can get enything out of every one,his money busniss how many chilren and how old were he lives and so on,so be beware,lol.)then i came apon alot of drunks and so on...nuthing 2 spesial for me... well thats alot..shoe..lol..ill read this again and laught..o and for my future self... stay strong,true 2 ur self and 2 God and 2 those u love, and ceap on haven ass kicking adrenalin rushing fun!!! hell yea!!!! o and give ur friends a breack or 2!!! lol

469888  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-01-12
Written: (5554 days ago)
Next in thread: 475105

thanx for all the poeple that care about me..im realy alright..dont wory ill survive, lol i always do... i learned alot this last year.... enyway..i just want 2 blab and ek wil bos gaan and say that lol ok this wasnt so funny 2 me, last night, i met this girl on the bus(me going home,after i misted my work,dont want 2 talk about it) yea se was alright looking not that i care..lol..i went 2 sit at the back and yea se came and sat also there...just on her corner and me in mine..just like i like it...lol...the first words she spoke was do u have a tichu for me...i said im sory i dont and then felt actualy sory that i didnt have... but then i ignored her like i usualy do 2 girls..sometimes and went 2 sleep...lol..i woke up almost with a fright...and then just looked at her for a little time...se was also asleep and she looked at peace..not only that but i think she was alittle drunk...lol..ok not funny...(this is what i uctualy want 2 talk about) enyway i started 2 think what im going 2 do in the day..not that i desided but i started 2 talk 2 myself(NUTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!!!) and 2 God... and i also said yea what a shame about this girl..what waisted talent... she woke 2 see me and she alughed at me..lol..i smiled told her what im thinking and we started 2 talk... she is also from SA (she is a capy) but the thing that made me sad is the way she talked...i mean every second word was a swear word...i mean its such a ugly thing 2 hear is a beautyful girl( and by that i mean anygirl doent mater how she looks that looks after her self and her body...) that swears..it just dont go 2 gether... and then her way of doing life...she just came from a party were she got drunk she is going 2 sleep for 3 hourse and then go 2 work and then party and getting drunk again, and thats her life..sad ill say... but yea...

466842  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-01-09
Written: (5557 days ago)

Dead past... what future?

459523  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-12-30
Written: (5567 days ago)
Next in thread: 459535

ok!!!! I had enough i say enough!!!!! im not the person i used 2 be.. i never spoke words so clear as this... Why?? open up..enyone listenig?? dont care...who cares...me?? things falling apart...mending the moon were blood is boiling...go...move..never stop..living life..do u care??? no one look at poeple aroung them...drowning in a pool of nuthingness,bored from all these lies...forming people..boxes gevin..people taken for a ride..so they care? do they know?speed...causes mestakes and futures...How come theres death at this desember...so many signs...all around..no one believes...God..themselfs...uthers...who uthers? masks and lies co ops... playing chess with us as pieces...i choose my own destiny...power gevin in my heart...mind never even at the mater...how can i see when im use..d...2 blindness? darkness not only at night...cross mestaken for plesure a easy why out...i laugh at u..i cry at day...i met my maker...i try 2 understand...i try 2 give away...feet longing for u...im moving....folowing the slipstream of my life...were i choose..do I? derections...friends....knifes flying in all......perfection? dont let me leave...let me stay for all eturnity....let me make a difrense for them...take it i give u it...plzz....make a plan...let me live for something greater than myself...



457728  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-12-28
Written: (5569 days ago)
Next in thread: 457792, 459058

i c now that i dont have one path but alot of small paths that forms one...i am the one that choose my own destiny...

248502  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-06-08
Written: (5772 days ago)
Next in thread: 271629, 284974

O so now wat??

 The logged in version 

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