[Chaotix Palidien]'s diary

1096208  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-10-02
Written: (3938 days ago)

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - O ct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind . Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful.. Flirtatious Give's in too easily. Procrastinators.. Very gullible.

1094788  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2009-09-18
Written: (3952 days ago)
1091325  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2009-08-20
Written: (3981 days ago)

before i start do ot attempt to change my decision since ive been a selfish ass to this point why stop : i ruined the great things i had ive lied to allof you to the ones i did say this lie to i lied about dateing aiden aka[WonderTweek] about haveing past relations with him living where i am along with mandi and megan of elftown and im making a apology even though trying to make things better is not going to erase the pain ive caused or the distrust soalong with thisihorded all the pheasible proof i could and scripted my perfect lie /life hideing what idid't want to see or have anyone else see i used you i played with the trust you gave me and i won't blame you for hateing me i reallycan't explain all the horrid things ive done and since ive fucked with you this bad lets just say i deserve a few bullets to say the least your not the first person ive done this to plus there's more that ive done and also i am sorry again for everything ive caused im not good at explaining my self i just always say sorry i don't know what else to do every one will read this jesse' the payments jeff sarah chelsea mike chris jordan mitch dan kurt every one 83 percent of what i said to allof you not just the mia thing but loads more were fables scripted so i could get what i wanted even if it was ultimately hopeless and in doing all this i ensuresed it ever more soi mean i have never changed i probly never will and for this im sorry to every one that i did lie to i don't know what to say hate me if you will disdain mefor what ive done the horrid things ive said id actualy prefer to be hated for who i am then be loved for who i am not >< aiden im sorry  don't forgive me for any of it its not worth your time to give any second chances im done for now if you want more details just ask

1086572  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-07-13
Written: (4019 days ago)

silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (7/11/2009 at 9:14 AM):
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (7/11/2009 at 1:20 PM):
*11-sat, 12-sun,13-mon,14-tue,15-wen,16-thur,17-fri,18-sat,19-sun,20-mon,21-tue I will be leaveing Tuesday the 21 of July and will be back july 23 late evening maybe lol I will let you know okay^^
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 2:58 PM):
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 10:06 PM):
*Please I need to talk to you
*this is important T_T
*please T_T
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 10:55 PM):
*Dear Brian,
*If you found a way to get online but I am not online sorry but I feel asleep at the computer.
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 10:57 PM):
*Please know no matter what you think you didn't bring me down. It's not your fault please know that I do love you and if the world is against us then we will just have to fight it. You might not be my dream man for he is in my dreams and you're not perfect that is defined so well but you are my man and perfect to me.
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 10:59 PM):
*Like I said before, this is why I didn't allow myself to feel things like love and hate but as you said you're glad I allowed you, well so am I. I still would have chosen not to have loved then to be loved but even if I did believe it 100% I still would like and love you. When we first met I looked at you and thought you were a great person, funny, kind, and just...unexplainable but you had
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:01 PM):
*Christine so I just pasted it by besides I didn't want to have a boyfriend, I wasn't into that. I shielded myself from such things like that and just wanted to be someone in my life then find a guy maybe. But most of all I just wanted to escape, to jump in an anime world and live there surrounded by the people I liked, Gaara. My anime love...I felt attached to him and wanted him to be real. I
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:03 PM):
*cried myself to sleep night after night stareing at his picture, wanting to be only with him. Then you came, sure I still liked Gaara but you were real..when I asked you to the prom I didn't know really why. Was it cause I was lonly, no one wanted to go with me, no friends there or did I really like you? Well I asked you and you said yes, we had a great time and I still feel like I am dancing
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:05 PM):
*with you, I can still smeel your hair and your scent. I did look into your eyes that night though I denied it to myself, I was afraid of you for only that I was gonna get close to you and let you down. I didn't want to hurt you. I always really wanted out of life is to make a diference, help people, do all I can for everyone but myself. Even if I complained ho hard my life was and how I will fail
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:06 PM):
*my goal has always been others before me. But you, you allowed me to feel something, I have a heart...it's been there the whole time inside me instead of around the world as I thought. Yes I said I had no heart, it left me and is wondering around the world healing lost souls and helping others out for I wont let it help me, but it was helping me. My heart let me know I do love you, I don't care if
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:08 PM):
*no one in the world, galaxy, universe, what ever hates you and or me and forbids us to be togther, I love you and wnat to be with you. I don't know what the future has instore for me...and I don't care...you know I feel like a little kid again. When my mom was sick and dieing all I wantd and wished for was a cure for her, for her to be cured in time, it never came...well now I wish for a cure for
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:10 PM):
*you I wont give up praying and wishing, hopeing that we can be together, that you will make it to be able to marry me, even if I have to march into prision and marry you there. I wnat to marry you, I do...sure I'm still young and I might not know what I'm saying...that this might jsut be becasue I wnat to love to feel something but I didn't really before...maybe trulye I did but if I didn't want
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:12 PM):
*to then I wouldn want to no matter how much you asked me to. I will do all I can to return to you and hold you close to me. I know you want the best for me, for me to be happy and do what I want to do, be who I want to be. But what is that all worth if there is no one to share it all with. If you die while I'm still inlove with you I will never recover, my heart I have found will break and die. I
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:14 PM):
*will become the puppet I knew I always was on the inside. I might never recover from the blow or get the family I always wanted. Sure people might say you should go out there and find someone else, someone who makes you happy not like the other person did but a new happy. Well maybe I will and maybe I wont, it all really depends on how hard the blow is, how far we came, the future looks bad now
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:16 PM):
*but we can't giv up now, not after all the time it took to finally find echother, which I know isn't long but what is it was, it could be. Lost souls finding eachother through endless time. We could be soulmates and if we are which I know we are we deserve to be together but an effort has to be made. I will fight for you, to get to you, there is no dout in mind that we aren't supposed to be
silverwolfpup474@yahoo.com said (Yesterday at 11:17 PM):
*together. So what ever you have to say I will hear, read, what ever but once agian know this. I love you and I WILL fight to be with you no matter what.

Chaotix Palidien said (2:41 AM):
*thank you hun truly thank you but i will still cinsider your wellbeing before my own dreams of you  if im going to dissapoint you  like how its looking im truly sorry  >< but remember no matter what happens ill always love you and i officialy broke down at 134 am today

ive never had some one push so far for me like this before its saddening me that im failing this as well

1078315  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2009-05-10
Written: (4083 days ago)

In the darkness
Where no light has been
A puppet cast out
Lays on the ground
Broken and forgotten
One day she stands
Wet from water
That found it's way down
Donw the dark hole
She looks around not seeing
Feeling her way along
Finding her way out
Reaching the surface
Her friends that went on
They missed her and never
Stopped looking for her
Posters and fliers everywhere
She runs to a door
Hopeing it's a friend
A kind smile
No one answers
The street lights go out
An evil insain laughter echos
She turned around
To see a bright colored man
Wearing jokers clothing
Smiling down at her
Staring at her broken body
Wet tathered clothes
"Well well what do we have here?
A little doll, hehahaha."
"Well Silvia, how would you like
How would you like to be my minion?"
"Yes Kefka needs minions to destroy the world."
"NO! Don't destroy the world.
Silvia's got friends and familie who actually
Who actually cares for Slivia
Silvia who has never known love."
"Yes love...I don't know what it is
But Silvia cares for them
As they carefor her."
Kefka bent over, "You are some doll
May I resting you?"
"Yes, I like you little puppet.
I can't read you like others
You're are a mysterious being."
Silvia smiles, "Restring..."
Kefka picks her up, "I will help you
You will be my one good deed."
She nodds, "Silvia like Kefka." 

1062668  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2009-01-13
Written: (4201 days ago)

sorry guys im dead tired now X_X with my work i work mornings so i usually sleep the day away but i did't today so im like beyond dead kinda like a zombie XD ill talk to you guys later if i wake up XD

976608  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-09-17
Written: (4684 days ago)
Next in thread: 978813, 1042665

i all most left school today its rather irritating but ill tell you anyway 

today in school it started out normal me not doing anything paying no one a single heed but then they started picking on me and if i retaliate ill get hit so i did and i got jumped because i stood up for my self punch etc etc i speak a word to try and fit in i get hit i am just tolerated here and so further on i almost broke down crying and i started yelling at the class saying  how would you feel if every one looked down at you with icey cold stares that chill my spine you ask me why i walk around with my swords its because of you i am so insecure thats what it takes to make me feel comfortable ill never hit you unless i am cornered ill yell swear etc etc but still you never leave me alone you never stop be glad i am not one stupid enough to come here and slaughter you all thats not me my hair you try to cut i like the way i am apparently you don't(they tried to hold me down and cut my hair as well) in the end it sucked as we were doing a science lab they pushed me and i fell into a freezing agent and now my whole hand is blistered and peeling away and they wonder why i am always the way i am >< well thats is summerized >< if you want to know me just ask =/

 ill still stick up for the weak as well as the old you get it and they hate it so in that aspect i do this in great faith in myself that what i do is right and sol therefore they try everything to break me but they got another thing coming so in the end in a optimistic kinda way i conquered the day.

947867  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-06-13
Written: (4780 days ago)
Next in thread:

Writing is not easy. It is a lonely, and oftentimes unappreciated endeavor. But I have to keep creating, I have to keep trying to organize all the beautiful, chaotic things into some pattern....

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose someone you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
I will try to fix you

947866  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-06-13
Written: (4780 days ago)

The pledge ...
Often the one serene thing that gets me through each day .
The one thing that never changes, that endures time .
The one thing I can trust, can count on .

When I reenter reality just in time
to sight the doleful tragedy of tears,
I pause and wish I could do something
other than sit, and watch, and wonder
whether it could be any simpler,
or any more insufferable .
I smile, imagine, and think of a time
when we can share this empathy,
a time that will never come .


I should be ticked off..
I should be frustrated..
I ought to break down crying...
But I think I'm finally happy.

" He was not happy . He was not happy .
He said the words to himself .
He recognized this as the true state of affairs .
He wore this happiness like a mask
and the grrl had run off across the lawn
with the mask and there was no way
of going to knock on her door and ask for it back . "

 The logged in version 

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