[Z!]'s diary

658040  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-09-02
Written: (5452 days ago)
Next in thread: 658469

I already know this. But this is gonna be a long diary entry. I guess just me saying sorry to everyone.

1.Jackline, I'm sorry, I probally made life really hard on you. I know that I'm not the greatest boyfriend ever. But i know you were the greatest girlfriend ever. I just want you have a good life.

2.Shannon, I'm sorry that I'm an asshole. I guess I get it from my Evil Father. I just wnated to say, that as much as life gets harder. It will turn, it just how life is balanced out. So Shannon once again sorry, and have a good life.

3.Eli, I'm sorry for not being the greatest friend ever.

4.Chris, I'm sorry for not being there as a bro for you. Just remever to keep your chin up and think good.

5.David, Thanks for the cigs. But I'm sorry for not paying you back ever. Same as for Eli.

6.Nick, I know Heather left you. But its as the saying goes If you Love set it free, and if it loves back it well return. Good luck in life man.

7.Dad, I know your not gonna read this. But Your the biggest piece of shit on this god damn planet. And I hope your happy that you ruined my fucking life forever. You fucked up my head so bad, making me think that I'm the worst son ever. And if i was I'm sorry.

8.Becca, I'm sorry. For hurting you, And seriously I didn't deserve for being the first. Just be happy, you and Trent should be an awsome couple.

9.MaryEllen, I'm sorry for not being the friend you wanted nor the boyfriend. I cheated on you. So I guess that makes me even more of an asshole.

10.Lisa, That goes for you. I cheated on you too. But thanks for being there when I needed you. I don't care what people say, You are not dumb, matter of fact I think your the greatest person in the world.

11.This goes the rest. I'm sorry for everyone that I missed that was important to me. Which is everyone I know that does like me. But I'm sorry. And thanks for being all great friends. I owe it to you all.

Now if you wondering why I put this. I'm going though an emotional break down. I don't know what to do anymore. Just as if like just pushed the bad button. I guess just think of this of a future reference. But don't worry about me. I'll get over this. But for the last time. I'm sorry...to everyone. Thanks for listening.

657410  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-31
Written: (5453 days ago)

Well well, Isn't life just great. Really somtimes I want to believe that. But I just don't know anymore. I don't even think I've been this depressed in my life. But what do you know, I'm not "Perfect". Truthfully I don't want to be perfect, I'm sorry, Yeah I know I've cheated on Jackline. But wouldn't you give me the respect that I had the Balls to tell her the truth. Her uncle don't like me. But He doesn't like anyone but his fucking self. Hate me now, Hate me later becaust that day will come. For about a week now, Everytime I listen to [A perfect circle - Passive] I kind of black out from the world. I have this weird thought that at the beginning of the song, I'm on the phone crying on the phone to Jackline. Then I hang up and walk to a room and find a gun. I walk outside and its pouring down rain. I'm walking down the road with the gun in my hands then I end up in front of my dad's shop/house. I walk in and my dad starts to yell at me, So towards the middle of the song when it gets really heavy I start pistol whipping my dad. Beating him into a bloody pulp. Tell him, "Look at you, face me, don't play dead, Because someday I'll walk away and say You fucking disappoint me." And He looks at me with a fright because I'm the gun at his face. Next thing I put the gun against my head and tell him one last time, "You Fucking Disappoint Me!" and pull the tigger blowing my brains. Then at the end of the Song, I'm think of Jackline crying and my dad holding my dead body cry his heart out. Think I'm bullshitting you. Think I'm fucking crazy, But it was so fucking realistic. But I can't do nothing about. It scares me. But As life is going right now. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I feel like total shit. I guess as they say in the song. "Passive Aggressive Bullshit" You know what. Fuck it! If your reading this, Yes I'm fucked up right now. No, not on drugs. No, not on alcohol. No! That would me I have no heart. But believe what you want. If you want to know me there you go. I don't care anymore. Not your thoughts. Not your bullshit lies. I've had a ruff life as it is. I don't want to be the one to blame when it comes to my woman getting hurt. EVER. So if you want to start shit. Say it to my face. And we'll deal with it. I love Jackline and thats it. As I said before. "Passive Aggressive Bullshit".

564943  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-04-29
Written: (5577 days ago)
Next in thread: 573303

If your school has blocked Elftown on the computers go here.

http://ew-old.lysator.liu.se/
http://elftron.lysator.liu.se/

I promise it works.

556529  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-04-20
Written: (5587 days ago)

Flaw - My letter

This is my letter to you
We started following a certain description
We started simple and fair, once again
Before there wasn't any need for an answer
Things were much different then, but

Chorus:

Now you question who I am
Who I am inside
Now there's nothing left to hide
So here it goes
This is my letter
Hope you're alright
It's been rough for me
Thinking all night
About the places I'd be
If I maybe
Just did a little bit more
You might've Let me
Become a man for sure
And if I might
Express one concern
It seems an issue
All day at every turn
What's the next step
The latest hole in my life
What's next for me to learn?

What's next for me to learn?

Engulf myself into a permanent mystery
No one day just as the next (Not for me)
It's so confusing when I look at my history
I just can't handle that yet
No

(chorus)

One more friendship ends
And then for awhile
I can breathe again

Hope you're alright
It's been rough for me
Thinking all night
About the places I'd be
If I maybe
Just did a little bit more
You might've let me
Become a man for sure
And if I might
Express one concern
It seems an issue
All day at every turn
What's the next step
The latest hole in my life
What's next for me to learn?

What's next for me to learn?

549958  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-04-13
Written: (5594 days ago)

Staind - Can't Believe

Respect.
Respect what is found
Respect should abound
Respect everything that you leave

I can't believe
Can't believe   (x2)

And I, I can't believe
I can't believe all the travesty
Surrounding me
I want to flee
Well, I want to flee from everything
In front of me

I can't believe
Can't believe   (x2)

Never again, trusted in you
Fuck everything that you think I should be
I stand.
Never again, never again

I can't believe
Can't believe   (x4)

549957  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-04-13
Written: (5594 days ago)

RadioHead-Creep

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh
She's running out again....
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run....
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

517580  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-03-09
Written: (5628 days ago)
Next in thread: 523517

I Like Jackline.
Jackline is super fucking sexy.
If I were alone in a room with Jackline, I would do everything possible.
I think Jackline should chain me to the wall.
Jackline needs me.
I want to lick Jackline.
Someday Jackline will be happy.
Jackline reminds me of a beautiful angel that fell from the sky.(Cheesy as hell but true)
Without Jackline i can not live.
Memories of Jackline are sweet and never bland.
Jackline can be a wildcat but she is my little kitten.
I am happy with Jackline.

516757  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-03-09
Written: (5629 days ago)

<img:http://elftown.lysator.liu.se/img/photo/86145_1096466999.jpg>

MINE DAMN IT heh *licks face*

515721  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-03-08
Written: (5630 days ago)

I wish Jackline could have time. But thats the least of my problems. I like being around her. She seriously makes me day. Well sooner or later...I won't be chicken enough to kiss her. heh. Well got to go.

468009  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-01-10
Written: (5687 days ago)
Next in thread: 505244

I haven't typed in this in a while. But the latest news...um...i lose my girlfriend. I get kicked out of my house. And Life sucks more. So if you still want to talk, talk to me please.

401112  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-11-04
Written: (5754 days ago)

Well gee...been a long time since i typed in my die-ary....yup. Um..Met this chick Lisa. She cool. Her friends seem to want to look out after me. If i said that correctly. I went on a field trip today at school. Some Bullshit ass convention center college career day. It sucked. At lunch it was funny because the convention center they served hotdogs and lays, animal crackers, and mr. pibb. so i took 6 of them. Asked people if they wanted my chips. They would reply yea, sure, ok. And i would reply "Too bad" which is off of sealab 2021 hehe. Well I got to go. L8te.

316130  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-08-10
Written: (5840 days ago)
Next in thread: 316554

"Sometimes....

You can cry until there is nothing wet in you.

You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures.

You can Pray, All you want to whatever god you think will listen.

And, Still, It makes NO difference.

It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you.
And you know that if it ever did relent...

It would not be because it cared."

-Written in blood before everything went black.

Believe it or not, but this is actually from a comic book. But It puts alot of meaning to me.

292960  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-07-20
Written: (5861 days ago)

Hm.. Same o same o. I wake up alone. Life feels just like the movie Ground Hog Day. Everyday is the same. Which some of the parts aren't that bad, really. Seeing someone i really care about. Trying anything to make her feel better. I Feel like a god around her, she is the only one really for me to realize she cares for me. I've never seen my mother before. So i don't know what it is like to feel the love of a mother. Yea. She left me when i was 4 months old. Great huh? Well My dad i thought for a long time cared for me, but all these bad women fucked his head up, and now theres a good chance that he doesn't love me. He told me a couple nights ago, " I don't give a fuck what you think". So does that mean he still loves me. I don't think so. So I'm here with only one person, JUST ONE GOD DAMN PERSON THAT CARES FOR ME , ALOT! I mean Yea my friends care for me. But not the same as she does. If i lose her again, I swear on the bible or on any of my family's graves I will kill myself. I don't want to lose her again. Life is to short to not be happy. Thank you James for everything. Thank you to all my wonderful friends!

287058  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-15
Written: (5866 days ago)
Next in thread: 287105, 287567

I'm so alone in this world. I want things i can't have. I will never have it if i keep acting like i do. Hell at the rate i'm at now. I'll prob. Never have her. never.....

285829  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-07-14
Written: (5867 days ago)

Fuck this world
Fuck this Periodic time called life.
Fuck Mom
Fuck Dad
Fuck these so called friends
Fuck the people that don't give a damn
Fuck Death
Fuck life
Fuck Black
Fuck White
Fuck everyone that knows
Fuck Men
Fuck Women
Fuck me
Fuck You.
Fuck it all.

282146  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-07-11
Written: (5870 days ago)

Update. The girl I am in love with. Just made me happy! w00t!

279955  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-07-09
Written: (5872 days ago)
Next in thread: 279972

Well this is great. Just fucking great. Well lets see the girl i love is sad now. Because i told her that the only way for me to get over her completely is to go out with someone. (for those that don't know we were together a while back but i fucked up a couple times and we never got back together, she moved on) So i told her that and she all sad and depressed, she claims that its not me but i know its me. Now i'm with another person. Yup. Moved on and feeling like shit. YAY! LIFE SUCKS SOMEMORE. GOD REALLY HATES ME!

279493  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2004-07-08
Written: (5872 days ago)

Well, Its been a while since i typed in my die-ary heh. But well nothing has really change, Me alone. My frineds are still cool. And well I don't know there is a concert this friday, and my friends tasha [Orange_Skittle] keeps asking me if i'm going. So I might just show up. Well i guess this is the end.

244120  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-06-04
Written: (5907 days ago)
Next in thread: 245998

Elftown gave me another chance......i dont care. No one cares why the fuck should I?.....Life....is so fucking lonely....and tis is my own damn fault. But remember no one cares.

226724  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2004-05-19
Written: (5923 days ago)
Next in thread: 226838, 227563

Well here i am again writing in this fucking journal...diary...or what the fuck ever it is...i don't fucking care anymore. Im fucking tired......I'm tired of people fucking hating me...im tired of my dad and his fucking problems...I'm tired of people that say there my friends and then go around and call me an asshole for being nice.....I'm tired of my head hurting, heartbreaking, and Life. Ah yes Life... FUCK IT! I FUCKING HATE WHAT THIS SO CALLED GOD DID THIS TO ME. FUCK EVERYONE THAT BELIEVES IN THAT PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK ELFTOWN AND THERE "COPYRIGHT" BULLSHIT! FUCK EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT FUCKING MOVES THERE JUST A FUCKING WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE! JUST FUCK IT ALL! ALL.....

222860  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-05-15
Written: (5927 days ago)

Once again another day i woke up and i'm still alive....damn god why me.....well anyway....Later to day i almost got jumped by a bunch of fucking niggers!!! YAY!! me and trent [GradeZero] and don't start with the races mail....theres a difference.....Nigger - someone that picks on someone for who they want to be. Black Person- Someone that accept me for who the fuck i am!

 The logged in version 

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