[Nite_Owl]'s diary

1005171  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2008-01-16
Written: (4520 days ago)
Next in thread: 1005284

I exploded in Spanish today. For no reason. Danny (a guy that I secrety hate and wish to hurt, but I woudn't tell his best friend that) ran into me during a stupid pointless activity, probably actually by accident, but the way he didn't care anooyed me, so I threw the chalk down, slammed my hand on the chalkboard to erase what I wrote and smacked him hard in the back of the head shoting "Stop being a fucking asshole!"....literally, in front of the class. So we started yelling for a short bit, and after thinking about it for a few minutes, I realized I had no idea why I was yelling at him. At all. It just sort of came out, and I went for it.

This anger thing is getting worse. And it bothers me. It didn't use to much, when my anger was generally logical, but to burst out swearing and shouting for a little bump is not logical. I'm losing it. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, aching. I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew if someone could help me.

I need help.

994334  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-11-23
Written: (4573 days ago)
Next in thread: 994340

Things I'm Thankful For:

1. My perfect girlfriend that makes me feel very patient sometimes XP
2. My amazing friends who are just too complicated and quirky to describe
3. The people I've met on here, expecially people like Squee, Shining Light, Akayume, Cat-chan, and eveyone else. Love (and extreme rape where applicable) for you all! >:D
4. Elftown, for being the most amazing site ever, and for bringing out my best writing skills which inspired me to now become an English Lit Major/Professor :D
5. Stephen King for being alive and as crazy as he is--don't die before I meet you, you bastard!
6. Great Britan as a whole for multiple reasons, but especially Ireland, land of me fathers :D -- and Owlie <3 Wales (which is a country, btw).........(the irony of this particular number cracks me up a few minutes after writing it XD)
7. Canada for being Canadian and ignored entirely by everyone else, and for spelling correctly by ignoring Americans.
8. Nighttime, and sleep, which I'm off to do, so...

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans, be bloody grateful! XD

987138  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-10-27
Written: (4600 days ago)
Next in thread: 987256

I guess I'm being punished. For what, I'm not certain, but I can't think of a better explanation.

I feel empty now. I've never felt such a true apathy before, and it hurts. I can't smile or lie or cry or anything at all really. I don't know what to think or what to say. It seems I just wasn't meant to trust people.

Funny. Just a couple days after I finally believed, here comes mistrust to ruin it all over again. And all I can feel is the self-loathing. Because it's always me that's in the wrong.

Because my own blame and hate are the only things I can control anymore.

986087  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-24
Written: (4603 days ago)
Next in thread: 986100, 986185

So I guess nobody cares enough to even possibly glance at the two entries below this? I realized that no one ever really talks to me of their own will any more. Kinda of depressing, really, and disappointing.

I'd say I'm sorry but I'm feeling too much like wenting at the moment about absolutely nothing right now, not to mention it'd feel like lying. Seriously, it'd be nice to have a comment every now and then, just on anything at all, even a simple "How are you?" would suffice. Just a few little words to reassure me that I'm not a complete fuck-up loner in life that no one cares about and stop me from thinking these thoughts.

Nevermind. Forget what I said.

It's not like you'll read this anyways.

985459  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-22
Written: (4605 days ago)

"Los Angeles County fire officials announced that several Malibu neighborhoods were being evacuated today, and local school district leaders canceled Monday classes at five public schools near the fire.

Elsewhere, fire officials said that the Agua Dulce fire has exploded in the Canyon Country area. They have ordered evacuations of 800 homes and say that evacuation centers have been set up at Quartz Hill High School and Saugus High School."

That means that we might not have school tomorrow :D Which would be awesome, since it's also me and my girlfriend's anniversary tomorrow. Though I do feel bad for the people being evacuated. We've been lucky enough to not have to (yet) but we almost have before, and it's not fun. Damn our severe winds and low humidity >:(

985220  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-10-21
Written: (4606 days ago)

This is an excerpt of what may possibly be in my "novel" I'm writing this November. It was a prompt ("muddy boots") on one of the boards on the site. Came out rather nice, methinks, and longer than I thought at about 680 words. Comments please!! (I don't think anyone will, but it'd be awfully nice...please...? At least read it!)

   I can rarely recall any memory with such vividness with which I used to, when I could remember every detail of every dream and every memory that quivered by on even the most evasive and frail of wings. My brother’s face escapes me often when I try to think of home, but I do hark back to one lucid memory.
   He had just returned from the war. His hair was slick with oil and rainwater from the storm raging outside, and when he entered it was impossible to miss, not only because of his normal cinematic entry but for the wind attempting to siege our house as the door banged open with its force. Matthew grinned with a concise little chuckle, mocking sheepishness, as he shoved the door close on the desperate wind, his muscles, fruits of the many years of hard labor and toil and training and pain, straining in perfect unison. The reality stood clear and harsh as he stepped into the light, revealing an unshaven sharp jaw-line and hardened eyes of steely gray: the little Matty that left all ambitious and excited to do some good and have some fun was no more. In his place stood a man, a bold and brusque man with morals and ideals and a want to change the world in any way he could manage (and not necessarily to do good). Still that familiar smile shone through his rock of a visage and we crowded around him once the image settled in, eager to embrace him with us once more.
   He talked of his many travels, through snow and sand and clouds and mud and rain and blood. He talked of our letters to him and apologized for the ones he never answered. He talked of his sergeant and his officer, men as hardened as he was now no doubt, and of his companions of the war. He talked of wounds and scars, even showed us a few, and of how he lost his finger a year ago (an anomaly overlooked by yours truly, but certainly not by our mother, who always did have a rather compulsory attention to detail). Most of all, however, Matthew talked of the blood. Of it covering his hands, covering his gun and clothes. Of it splattered on the walls of the buildings they infiltrated. Of it on the bullets he shot. Of it flooding his dreams on darker, lonelier nights. And the unspoken: of the blood that filled more pleasant dreams and filled is very waking thoughts without ever provoking disgust, without ever causing a flinch of even minimal surprise.
   When the lights were dimmed and the family began to head towards their respected habitats for sleep, I followed my brother to converse alone with him on the things he hadn’t said. I guessed a few simpler ones, which he laughed at casually, like the good innocent brothers we once were. But when I questioned his true dreams, his true thoughts, he retreated subtly, those gray-ice eyes shifting away towards the hardwood floor beneath his feet. I provoked him, asked again; I wanted an answer. Finally he gave in, not from weakness but from his ties and unspoken allegiances to me.
   “Every day I see them. Their blood just...surrounds everything. It never goes away once you’ve fired that first shot. You’re always thirsty, always needing more of it, always searching for it. It never goes away.”
   I nodded solemnly, trying to understand as I rested my elbows on my knees to save my energy for thinking. As I looked for words to break the foreboding silence, I noticed he hadn’t taken off his boots yet; in fact, he hadn’t take off anything yet. Perhaps he had grown used to the feeling of a load on his back and on his heart. I commented lightly on the battered muddy state of his footwear, and we once more began small-talk, forgetting the question.
   Somehow, though, I think I knew that beneath the caked dirt and silence of his tales that stains of deepest scarlet threatened to reveal themselves. Perhaps he wanted it that way. Perhaps it was best to just forget.
979383  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-09-27
Written: (4630 days ago)
Next in thread: 979921

They talk about the simple things: plants growing, babies smiling and waving, the weather and the dirtying of the pool out back. Nobody even attempts to mention it, except her. "I wonder why she has to go back to the doctor? I mean, anything they find is small potatoes compared to..." So close, yet she doesn't say it. The rest ignore the mentioning, or at least ignore it enough to not be noticed by others and therefore compelling them to acknowledge the thoughts. That train of thought runs rampant and out of control through each of our minds, destroying everything that gets in its way yet still the words come empty. We sit on the patio, discussing golf and swimming and the new bike, about driving lessons and physical therapy, about the baby to be expected in the following months.

But no one, not even she, mentions the cancer.

972608  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-09-02
Written: (4655 days ago)
Next in thread: 972642

Guess whaaaaaaaaaat?

Tis almost Owlie's birthday!! (^,^)

Owlie's turning 16 this year, on Tuesday actually (the 4th). Quite a few of you are probably surprised at my age, since most of me buddies here apparently thought I was at least 17-20 :P Flattering, if rather incorrect.

Things have been rather busy around here lately, not to mention aggravating and angsty, but it seems that the storm clouds blew over and things are alright mostly now.

Also, I may be going to England and Scotland this summer! :D So anyone who lives around there should come hang out with us, cause we're awesome lulz. Not really...but seriously, come chillax with us peeps in London XD omg craziness

So anyways, those are the biggest things going on mostly. I'll be on very little tomorrow, and maybe Monday, and Tuesday......well, you'll see me eventually :P


967390  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-08-16
Written: (4672 days ago)

Well, school has started once again, and already I'm getting plenty of homework. I have about three chapters of reading plus an outline for at least one of them, an essay to write, daily math hw (no surprise there though), and random other silly things. Fun fun. I have a very full schedulre this year, so I'll be plenty busy.

My classes (in order):
- Psychology
- Biology HL/1
- AP US History (a LOT of reading here)
- Mathematics HL/1 (aka Calculus)
- AP English Lang. and Comp.
- Spanish HL/1 (aka Spanish 3 IB)

No breaks in between those really as far as an "easy" class goes. Psych. and Bio. aren't that bad, but the rest are a bit stressful.

I'll still be on fairly often, but don't expect to see me 24/7.

Homework time :) Catch ya later, y'all!

966462  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-08-13
Written: (4675 days ago)

Why must endings in all the stories be happy, and all the endings to life be so sad? Why are there two such extremes, and never something to divide them? Endings can never be eaither happy or sad. Endings are determined by the choices we make--not the little choices, but the big ones in life. Endings can be changed; all life can be changed if one wills it to differ from it's original directions.

The only endings there truly are are the right and the wrong. Fate will not extend her arms toward any single person to change her plans. Only we can set things straight to set up for things to be right in the end. It is our duty as humans to push the plans aside in favor of all others.

This is what defines us.

959392  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-07-20
Written: (4699 days ago)

Just to let everyone know (and sory for the short notice) but I won't be on much if at all for the next two weeks. We're going for a drive up the coast all the way to Oregon to visit my grandparents. I might have some internet access for the first week, but probably not for the second week. To my RP: go on ahead without me if you'd like, though not too far. To Moira: I'll try to beta as much as I can while I'm up there :) To everyone else: Love you all and hope I talk to y'all soon.

Love and peace, mates!

(~,^) Owlie--out! (^,~)

951990  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-06-25
Written: (4724 days ago)
Next in thread: 952364

I write this diary in memory of Eddie, my computer. He died this morning on June 24 when I came home. He will be sorely missed. We had some good times and frustrating times, but he always pulled through.

A song in prayer:

"Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes--here he lies, no one knew his worth, the late provider of my network--on these nights when we celebrate his birth...in that company called E-Machines, the day he crashed, when his screen flashed: Controooool Alt. Deleeeeete."

XP Ah, I have no life. If you don't know what that little song is from, it's my own version of the intro to RENT's popular "La Vie Boheme" song (^,^) I thought of it randomly.

Eddie, I'll love you always. No one stored my por--*ahem*--innocent photos and music like you did XD

<3 R.I.P. <3

930154  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-04-14
Written: (4796 days ago)
Next in thread: 930156

Well this week has been somewhat interesting, I think.

Since I've actually been writing in this diary on a semi-regular basis (by no means whoring though of course) most of you probably missed the note I made about a week ago about selecting a good poem to read at the first annual poetry reading for my school. Despite my terrible stage fright, I ended up reading four of them--"Sing Me a Song", "Amid the Falling Snow", "For What It's Worth", and "Th King"--which everyone seemed to like a lot :D So that was nice. I'll be sure to go again next year :)

In other news it seems my depression is finally lifting officially. I know I've been saying that for months, but a little secret--I lied before :\ The last months have been absolute crap in it's worst form in my opinion, and just generally hopeless. But I'm feeling a lot better lately, I suppose, with many thanks to friends, not just here at school and such but all you guys on ET too :) I'll try not to be so depressed-sounding anymore.

I just hope that the hope and faith I've gotten back now isn't in vain. Please don't let it be...

928248  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-04-09
Written: (4802 days ago)

I was reading one of my old poems, titled "My Journey" (you can find it at Nite Owl's Poetry), and I've realized something.

People are always comparing life to a path with a series of forks, driving you closer or farther to your true destination. But really, what path is there to follow? Paths give no room to choose, just a bunch of twists and turns imagined by others. When I picture life now, I see a barren wasteland all around--no trees, no life, no path to guide. Somewhere far in the distance, in any and all directions, is perhaps only an illusion of life and fulfillment that we all strive for. We see it and head for it, hopeful, but after a few miles our hope dwindles and dies slowly, and we stop to make a new judgement--choose another random direction. We keep heading for this illusion at the edges of a wasteland, thinking them to be real all that time, until we are starved for love and life and die. It is then we finally see...the green oasis far off evaporates and flitters behind instead--all this time wasted, chasing something that didn't exsist so tirelessly and thoughtlessly that we miss the only real one.

It's so hard to focus on the things we need to find rather than the things we desperately want to find when all of what we see is the same, the same trials and decisions and comprimises over and over. Few find a place where they can stop running and looking and simply rest. Sometimes, that place is still only an illusion, but even so it is restful, peacful.

Nothing is truly hopeless. You need only see that where you are going is just an illusion, a false happiness that crumles with each step. Footsteps will lead you back to where you start, and sometimes that is the only real way, the only true way.

Everyone in this wasteland deserves a chance to go back and choose another way, to take a second chance. Everyone deserves at least that much, if only they make the journey back.

927879  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-04-08
Written: (4803 days ago)
Next in thread: 928011

Hey, who wants to beat this guy into the ground with me? >:(

From: [Skylar J.S.]
To: [Nite_Owl] (New RP needs chars! Visit The Legion (^,^)
Sent mail 2007-04-07 22:46:21
Comment in 68277328

I like to fuck my dog. Just kidding. I like experimenting but that is too much for me. Your hot and think we should talk more. Blow me. Bye

Yeah, I had a few things to say to that one. Maybe he'll take the good acvice and not dare message me again (>,<)
926499  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-04-04
Written: (4806 days ago)

I finally found the song that was stuck in my head for a moneth :D I heard it in our school's production of "The Fantasticks" but couldn't find it anywhere. It's called "It Depends on What You Pay"....aka "The Rape Song" XD *roflroflrofl!*


A pretty rape!
A literary rape!

We've the obvious open schoolboy rape,
With little mandolins and perhaps a cape.
The rape by coach; it's little in request.
The rape by day, but the rape by night is best.

Just try to see it.
And you will soon agree, señors,
Invite regret,
When you can get the sort of rape
You'll never ever forget.

You can get the rape emphatic.
You can get the rape polite.
You can get the rape with Indians:
A very charming sight.
You can get the rape on horseback;
They'll all say it's new and gay.
So you see the sort of rape
Depends on what you pay.
It depends on what you

The kids will love it.
It depends on what you pay!
So why be stingy?
It depends on what you --

The spectacular rape,
With costumes ordered from the East.
Requires rehearsal
And takes a dozen men at least.
A couple of singers,
And a string quartet.
A major production.
Requires a set.

Sounds expensive!

Just try to see it.
And you will soon si,si señors,
Invite regret,
When you can get the sort of rape
You'll never ever forget.

(Chorus x1)

So why be stingy?
It depends on what you pay!
The kids will love it.
It depends on what you --

The comic rape.
Perhaps it's just a trifle too unique.
Romantic rape:
Done while canoeing on a moonlit creek.
The gothic rape!
I play "Valkyrie" on a bass bassoon!
The drunken rape.
It's done completely in a cheap saloon.

The rape Venetian
Needs a blue lagoon.
The rape with moonlight
Or without a moon.
Moonlight is expensive but it's in demand.
The military rape:
It's done with drummer and a band.

You understand?
I understand.
It's very grand.
It's very grand.
It's done with drums and a great big brass band!

Just try to see it.
I see it!
I see it!
And you will soon si,si señors,
Invite regret,
When you can get the sort of rape
You'll never ever forget.

(Chorus x3)

So why be stingy?
It depends on what you pay!
The kids will love it.
It depends on what you


926461  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-04-04
Written: (4807 days ago)

I'm thinking about speaking at a poetry reading this next Thursday (the 12th), but I can't decide on what poem I'd like best to read, or if I should go at all even. I'd like people's opinions on this one, if you can :) I might get a video of this reading, so if I do I might share it with you--but then again, I film terribly haha At least you'll know how I sound like then :P

923425  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-03-25
Written: (4816 days ago)

Last night I had such a beautiful and amazing dream. Not amazing in the way one would usually think...but for once it made me happy. Happier than I've been in months.

I was simply laying beside someone, holding her, a girl with long hair, but I never saw her face. I could feel her hands and her hair and the wind. It was quiet but for the very subtle breeze--neither of us spoke. It all seemed so real...so much so that when I woke I only felt a continuance of the dream and a hope that it was true....and then soon after that ugly sickening blackness that always comes back to haunt me.

My mind loves to trick me, to betray me. Whenever I sense hope it shows me there is nothing to hope for. Whenever I lose hope and will and happiness, it shows me so much that could be right in this life...and then just as quickly kick me to the ground and spit at me, mocking me for ever believing it to be true. I feel like I have already died somehow, yet still struggling to pull myself out of a pit of blackness, but once I finally see the light all I hear are vultures and rats at the top, waiting to peck me into submission once more. Still I try to muster strength to keep going alone in the dark; still I try to hold on to hope.

Maybe this time my dreams have given in to show me what may happen if only I wait for the vultures to loose their appetite and retreat. Maybe the light isn't as far away as it seems, nor the climb so steep. Then again, perhaps I hope for too much. But what else can I do if not have faith in something...someone? I simply hope not to fall back into the pit. Just hold on a little longer...just a little longer...

Just hold on.

919602  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-03-14
Written: (4828 days ago)

The following is a speech of sorts written by [Panda-monium]. I really appreciate what she has to say, and decided that other's should see this as well. Thank you, Panda, for giving me a little more courage to be myself and stand up for what is right.

I was watching a collection of videos called 10 couples. It's about gay relationships, families in which the parents are gay, same-sex marriage, and equal rights. And as I watched it, I really connected with a lot of the couples, including the male couples. There was one in which, the man had prostrate cancer, and he said "My gosh, who could ask for anything more than what I have? I'm not excited about the cancer but if I have to have cancer to be able to enjoy the relationship we have I'd take it in a heart beat. I just wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this, under any circumstance." It reminds me of the words from City Of Angels "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One." If that's not love, I don't what is. And yet, as you can see, it seems to be the same love, in both quotes, the same devotion, the same feeling. But one is accepted and one's not. One couple would be allowed to marry, and the other wouldn't be. They say love between a man and a woman is sacred. But to look at those two quotes, I bet out of context you couldn't tell which was from a heterosexual couple and which was from a gay couple. So how is it different? How can one be more sacred than the other, when they're the same? The only difference between the two is ostensible. It's the same ostensible difference between black people and white people, between men and women, and between humans and animals. If you believe in equal rights for any of these, how can you deny equal rights to homosexuals? If you do not allow ostensible differences to blind you into ignorance in any other part of your life, how can you possibly allow it to blind you into ignorance in any part of your life? Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, transsexual, how are they are not human? How is their love not the same? You wouldn't hate someone for being black, so why would you hate someone for being gay? How can you let superficial difference have such an impact on what you believe? Don't tell me it's against god, there is as much if not more in the bible telling you to accept and love everyone than there is about condemning homosexuality. How can you say you don't care if people are gay so long as you don't see it? Can a black person hide the colour of their skin? And why should they have to hide? What is the difference between a man and a woman kissing each other good bye at the airport, and two men or two women doing the same thing?

People are condemned everyday because of their beliefs, because of their race, and because of their gender. Women are raped and murdered in the name of honour, children are sold as slaves, dictators reign supremely over their people with tyranny, and genocide is happening in places through out the world. We live in world where fear and hatred are given the status of nobility. We live in a world where innocent people die, and guilty people are set free. We live in a world where innocence is lost, and cynics are the most commonly heard voices in our media. Where the things that are seen as good and beautiful in this world are destroyed daily in the name of commerce and progress. And we live in a world, where all of this takes a back burner in the free nations of the world, to the debate of same-sex marriage. What is more important, making sure two happy people in love are not allowed to have the right to marry, or making sure that this world is a free and just place for everyone? In the words of a man we all know, and most of us respect, Martin Luther King Jr., "justice denied anywhere diminishes justice everywhere". How can we deny justice to anyone? How can we deny equality to everyone? There was a time when the world needed to hear the words "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character". Now the world needs to hear that many of us, have a dream that everyone be judged not by superficial differences, such as race, gender or sexuality, but by the "content of their character". To end I would like to take another quote from the '10 couples' "It doesn't matter who you love, what matters is that you can love and that you do love someone".
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